Well, it’s my 210th post, and it’s just that time of night that I really wish I was asleep because I don’t want to feel or think about everything that happened today, and if i’m not asleep i’ll just feel really lonely. It’s so hard for me to face the social stigma of having a past history of car accident, especially one that was as bad is that was. My whole body hurts and I feel so exhausted and weak. But the moment I lie down I can’t seem to fall asleep. I feel like crying. I’m not used to my own house anymore. And sitting here alone just makes me think about all those painful times where I had to hide behind or underneath furniture in my feeble attempts to avoid the scrutiny. People are much happier now that they don’t need to come upstairs. They seldom do these days. And as fate would have it the only place left for me is here. I’m hungry all the time, and I just feel so humiliated and frustrated. The other day I just turned around and started bitching about everything in the whole world to Yue Keen. He was so nice to just listen to me, and I all those times I saw him I should have learned a lesson from how he handles things. I can’t believe I resorted to such drastic measures. I don’t know if it was out of desperation or loneliness. Everyone talked about how when I was reaching to pick up an object and it looked like I was trying to hug Kelvin. He was so nice to me too, but now that I accidentally humiliated us both, I guess I shouldn’t expect him not to avoid me. I posted up a whole wish list, but honestly I don’t want anything for my birthday. I don’t want anyone to wish me happy birthday, I don’t want any cake, I don’t want any presents of any sort. I just want to sleep. And if I never wake up, then that’s okay.
When I heard that Rania was back with Just Go, I was more concerned about Jooyi’s lines than where Riko went. I just feel like after you’ve lived long enough, everything in your life can never match up to how happy you used to be. For some people, they say it’s cause you’ve peaked. For me, I just feel like i’m destined to be disappointed for the rest of my life. I can’t take living in fear everyday of my life, wondering what’s going to go wrong next. Hoping and praying so hard everytime I get in the car to go anywhere. It’s just too exhausting trying to keep up appearances and tell everyone that everything’s fine. People see me everyday and just say hey, and i’m more surprised than anyone that I actually got out of bed, got ready for my day somewhat and then appeared in front of unsuspecting people let alone was able to say hey back. Or maybe you only see what you want to see. I just feel so stressed, like I don’t know how people manage their lives and take care of themselves. I don’t understand, how i’m supposed to be on top of everything if i’m so vulnerable to everything right now. I just look at that picture and feel like, omg, she’s the most beautiful person in the whole world. Even when everything got really bad and it was all my fault, she knew that everyone blamed and me and didn’t want to let me feel bad. But the truth is even someone with the utmost compassion and the kindest heart wouldn’t want to be around me. Wouldn’t want to talk to me. Wouldn’t be wasting their time.
Eventually people see what I really am and then obviously don’t want me anymore. Ying Tian gave me a lot of advice and wanted me to be more confident, she couldn’t have possibly eyed me in such a hateful way, right? She couldn’t have possibly wanted to humiliate me in front of everyone, right? I don’t know why I keep being so desperate for people to show kindness for me, and I can’t seem to stop it. I watched Shumaine’s parents send her back from KL, with her dad and brother carrying her things and then unpacking for her, then her mom reverses her car out of the house for her while her dad holds the gate open, then he locks up the house and Shumaine gets into her car to go to work while her parents and brother endure the jam back to KL. I just looked on longingly. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe that there hasn’t been one person that i’ve seen of whom I don’t want their life. I feel so lonely everyday, I wonder why i would want to wait to die. At the same time, I don’t want to see anyone cause I don’t want them to see me like this. Cause if I take anyone’s help, there’s nothing I can give in return. And there’s always a catch. There’s always something I have to be aware of, something I need to guard myself from, always disappointment waiting to happen. It’s safer here by myself. We are born alone and die alone. My story isn’t something people like to hear. It’s hard to watch. It’s not news that would please anyone. I’m not news that would please anyone.
Below is my birthday wishlist for this year.
Things I’ve still wanted since last year
- To see %$@#es suffer for what they did to me
- The satisfaction of seeing popular girls get dumped
- My debts paid
- Classic Buckleberry at Paddington
- Catch of the Day at Dome
- Chicken Teriyaki Onsen Rice at Pasta Zanmai
- Auntie Anne’s chocolate pretzel stix
- Between 3 days to a week paid leave to go on a corporate-sponsored trip to visit Paige
- Laser hair removal
- External hard drive
- Photoshop CS6
Say what you want about what I want. Cause that’s probably more than i’ll ever get from my blogposts.
What a whirlwind the past month was. With every happy moment, there is always lonely one when it inevitably ends. What else do I have if not my siblings? I don’t know why I keep hearing Sistar19’s Gone Not Around Any Longer in my head. I knew what I was feeling inside was something that I couldn’t run away from for long. And I kept looking for opportunities to deceive myself into thinking I was fine. There was the Golden Globes, Chinese New Year, the Oscars. I was contemplating the possibility that the whole time I kept saying that I hate travelling, I actually was denying that I wanted to run away to Paige.