Last post of the year. I can’t believe that the year is ending, I wish I could stay here in 2012 where I already know how tragic and pathetic everything turns out, so I won’t be surprised and disappointed. I’m not ready to start a whole other year with so many decisions and consequences to deal with. I haven’t accomplished anything, and I never made any changes in myself, and I wasted all of my time. I hate this, I hate everything. I wish 2013 would be good to me, but just the thought of expecting something out of the new year is hurtful, and i’m disappointed already. I wanna be with my bestfriends and my family. I don’t want to be lonely all the time. This was never what I planned for myself, and I can’t believe things got this bad. Yet I still want to stay in this year rather than move onto the next and make a whole new set of humiliating mistakes.
So last night I got really upset and cried, and it served as amusement. Anyway, I came up with a list of girl names for your future daughter. Here it is — Erin, Eden, Parker, Winter (gotta have that in the list), Peyton, Blake, Lee, and Sydney. I think they’re great, and they go with absolutely any middle name. Just a short post today, i’m going to PappaRich with my mom and siblings.
Wow! I watched Horrible Bosses. Albeit at home, but I still liked it! It was hilarious! It really is something that most people feel and think about at least at some point in their lives. Jen Aniston didn’t look too fake either! Dale and his fiancé are so sweet.
Here’s what else I want to watch — an old movie I missed out on and was so upset about not watching, Monte Carlo!!! How could anyone not watch that movie right?
Anyway, my sister encouraged me to join the subang parade logo competition, and I figured, since we’re at subang parade every other day, we really might as well. I made 3 logos. My sister made 2. Hers were really good. I should’ve told her to do the whole thing for me from the beginning. But that should be besides the point. I really had no idea what kind of logo to make, and I was just so bound with trying to include all trademarks and keep within the theme. Typical me, always thinking inside the box. Why can’t I be creative? I thought that whenever given the limits and rules, I always ask for the exact things that go against them? Have I really lost my ability to think?
I was watching Fever Pitch on, would you believe it, Fox Movies Premium, and it turns out that it’s only the second romantic comedy to end with Drew Barrymore on baseball diamond. Jimmy Fallon portraying profound emotion, proclaiming his love for someone, being serious, Drew Barrymore looking gorgeous as the hurt girlfriend and accomplished career woman in every touching scene. It’s really insane how Lindsay wanted to take Ben back just because he was selling his tickets. And her race to Ben not only cost her 600 bucks, but also a possible back injury. It was so insane but so sweet I almost cried. I can’t believe I watched a movie about baseball, ew!! I hate that sport!
Hey guys, I just wanted to say that i’m really lucky to have Ashraf as my brother, and that he was always really kind to me even when I didn’t deserve it. He doesn’t judge me, and he always takes an interest in what happens to me, and I can’t imagine what life would be like if I didn’t have my brother. Nothing I could do can ever repay his kindness, and especially when I see cute videos of him I feel really sad that I didn’t do more for him. Having my brother trust me is an amazing gift, and I feel like my life is complete, even though there are some bad financial things that are gonna happen to me as a result of my carelessness this past year.
Most days I feel like walking alone on the main roads and seeing how long before I get run over by a bus.
Girl X and I were in the same group for some kind of class project. She seemed to think she knew me.
Whenever I go on hotmail and type my e-mail and password, it just goes back to the login page to trick me into filling it up over and over again. I don’t understand! It’s the same on firefox. Plus, everytime I want to upload using imgur, it just says pending. Pending pending for hours! What is wrong with the internet? What is wrong with my laptop? How am I supposed to get anything done?
190th post! Yesterday I finally got to see a movie — I haven’t got to go see one in ages, especially since no one wanted to take me to see breaking dawn. And there’s all the other movies that I missed like Something Borrowed, Burlesque, Horrible Bosses. And that’s just to name a few. I really should have been brought to see mirror mirror. Such a tragedy that I haven’t seen it until now. I saw Yana Samsudin and Pierre Andre! I was really near and I didn’t say or do anything cause I was so stunned. I had no idea about the premiere showing, nor did I notice the media there. I don’t think I was ever that close to a celebrity.
Anyway I was so lucky to get to see RoTG with my two sisters, and I was lucky that my younger sister asked me to come and join her group of friends for dinner.
Speaking of tickets, this other thing that I really wanted to go for was sold out and I couldn’t go, but I really want to go. I feel so lonely, and this status quo is really suffocating. To make it worse, I spent so much on car service, laptop repair, and a portion of piano fees that i’m scared to open my wallet now because I don’t want to know how little I have.
Every parent wants desperately to have the pride of saying that their daughter is studying overseas, and is getting engaged etc. They all want to talk to other parents about how their kids are friends with the other parents’ kids because they’re so popular. There’s still so much hanging over my head — fallouts with frenemies, car accident, constant arguing with my dad. The happy family show is such a tired act. I can’t cope with it. Whose convenience are we really staying together for? Will I still have my blog if i don’t have my sisters? Why is my mom so comfortable with the fact that i’m nothing without my sisters? Now that i’m using this smartphone, am i really able to go back to a regular phone anymore?
It’s really not that hard to understand, or see if someone is hurting. There’s always something there, or rather, right behind the facade, and often it’s transparent enough. It’s hard to look past the expensive electronics, the designer bag, the hair-do, the shoes, the excessive photo-ops for every public affair. When someone is doing so much to seem normal is that not when you know something is amiss? I will never understand why family problems seem to strike so randomly, and how people of that socioeconomic background do so much to cover it up, but I have been unfortunate enough to learn first hand that I should be careful of it’s unsuspecting nature, and it’s persistence in our society. I couldn’t stand being in the same group as S for that whole year, but when I think back to her photowall I realise there aren’t many pictures with her dad or extended family. She filtered out the good things about her life to show off. And she did it well. I couldn’t bear to think that I could ever be in the same category as her, but if my memory of how life treats me serves, it should fit the pattern.
Okay, so when I deal with the large amounts of spam that i get in my comments, it gets annoying but it also reminds me that i shouldn’t expect anything more than just spam in my comments.
Is this going to be another dinner that everyone is just going to ignore me? another event where i end up being asked to take a picture for you, or hold your things for you? Then I don’t wanna go. When you ask me to come does it mean that you’re going to put me in a seat next to someone I don’t know or have nothing in common and nothing to talk with? Then I don’t wanna go!! Why must I be the accessory? Every single time? What’s really insulting is if someone feels they are helping me to feel useful when they have me doing things for them. There are many people in this world who are so proud of themselves, and just keep flattering themselves for everything they do. Speaking to someone like me who apparently doesn’t deserve any greeting other than being called weird seems to merit them a charity award. They seriously think I like them so much that i thank god every time they do what’s “beneath them” and be seen with me. They think that they’ve done so much, and I should be so grateful. They’re so satisfied with themselves. And they ask things about me that they actually know the answer to because they don’t want to know anything more. They enjoy the influence that they have, and the attention they receive, and they make sure it continues to only go to them. They make sure that everyone else stays in their place. They don’t admit to being the most popular but they do everything possible to remain the most popular.
Who do I have to be myself around? It’s not fair, you never have to even stand the thought of being lonely, but it’s okay for me to be penned in when i’m not being made use of. Am I supposed to be thankful that being manipulated by people gets me the minimum required human interaction a person can get? I go to such great lengths to make my self feel important, to make myself feel some semblance of getting attention that I don’t even believe the things I do. Chelsea said that i’m a wannabe model. Popular girls will be popular whether I help them or not, whether I bad-mouth them or not. I wouldn’t know how caring they are, they never actually did anything for me specifically, it’s just that people tell me how kind they are. I’m not going to reward you just because you were polite to me — I certainly don’t get anything for being polite to you. So what if I judge you? Are you going to lose all your votes for prom queen? Are people going to flame you on your timeline? I’m just one person, and you made it very clear how insignificant I am compared to your posse. Clearly what I spread around about you isn’t going to affect your reputation. Don’t make me pity you for receiving a tiny bit of bad press on top of all the attention and publicity you get.