So apparently aethereality.net has closed down! So has blinding-light.com! My favourite is in-genesis.com, and it’s still running. I visited day dream graphics after so long. I used to submit my work to day dream graphics in hope that they’ll publish it. Of course, back then no one considered what I did as art. In fact, even now people still don’t recognize it, thinking of it as less than doodling. Anyway, everyone’s asking each other how many days off they get from their respective jobs, and whether or not they get a long weekend. I don’t mind people asking me how much I make, to which the answer is none. I don’t mind people asking me about still living with my parents. In fact, i kind of like to hear about their jobs. What I do mind is their opinion about my unemployment. It’s so much more complicated than something I can just explain to someone I just met. My life is complicated. I can’t make it more palatable for you. I don’t understand, they seem to think that they can read me and my circumstances instantly, but that’s not the truth, cause there’s so much more to it. I guess I let myself fall into the category of conversation based on the occassional dye-job compliment. After which is followed by a lull.
So yesterday night, I unexpectedly met Adrian Lee. He said hey, and I was so surprised. I still can’t believe he actually spoke first. Okay, it’s not like he referred to me by name, but he actually came up to me. I was so unglam that night and so not ready to run into anyone, let alone someone older than me. I was stuttering like an idiot and was really awkward and it quickly became uncomfortable, at which point I, as always, walked off. Hurriedly. I couldn’t even remember the last time he spoke to me. There should be more humble and gracious people in the world — seniors would never say hi first to a junior. And more to the point, he was probably the only guy among those seniors who didn’t bully me. Sigh, eighty eight and nine liners. I really felt like it was the first time I was talking to him ever. I was so embarrassed afterwards, but i’m never seeing him again, so there’re no consequences. Or the need to redeem myself, i think.
Olivia told me that I should be more confident, and it really hurts that it’s not the first time I heard that from someone, but ask any of my sisters and they’ll tell you i’m way too confident. To me, it isn’t that hard to see if someone is hurting, cause most of the time if you just guess you’ll strike gold anyway. Some people are really confident, and some people deceive themselves to be. A lot of people have a lot of insecurities to cover up. I don’t know what it’s going to take. I don’t know how much more miserable I have to be, how much worse my life has to be before my mom and sisters are finally satisfied. It’s just not fair. It’s always assumed that I’m so deliriously happy with my life, and they get to assume that because I didn’t say anything, didn’t tell them what happened. On the other hand, I can’t say anything about what I don’t like because it’s called complaining, and they say all I do is complain but never do anything about it. Anyone only ever asks me what i’m doing when they want to make use of me, because all my time is theirs to take freely. Even if I end up having to be in two places at once, it’s never as bad as what they have to go through. I guess I really have to explain that taking an interest in my life is something that you do because you sincerely are curious, not because you want me to do something for you that day. Don’t even ask if i’m free because i’m always available for you. I already told my mom and sisters about that girl who manipulates me into doing things for her by asking questions about my schedule that she already knows the answer to. Honestly, I think they aspire to be her. That girl was so good at it, I ended up doing multiple favours that takes up at least the whole afternoon at each time, and she delegated work so fast I couldn’t even call out to her to say wait a minute. Here’s another priceless point of lull in the conversation. People ask me where my girlfriend is. Like that’s the only thing in the world to talk about. And then we end up just looking at each other. Well, actually my eyes look away but we’re still facing each other. And it feels really uncomfortable. Am I of no value if I have no girlfriend? If you had referred to the previous paragraph you would know that I don’t have a job, so common sense dictates that I need to get my life together first. They seriously think that it means I don’t deserve to be loved or something. Like you’ve never been single? Don’t make me vomit on you.
I’m still having a lot of trouble with fonts — finding ones that I like, finding out if they’re available for free, making them appear clearly on images while working with them, adjusting the spacing. Anywyay, I got a pingback on post 150 dated 31 March 2012. It was about IPL. I feel sad that Ringer was cancelled. It was something that was my taste. The fact that it was cancelled made it seem like more and more things in the world that reflect my interests and culture sensibilities are being taken away from me, leaving me with less and less a representation of what niche I can fit into. Not that anyone should aim for that though.
But based on my previous posts, the obvious reason why i’m feeling more and more miserable is because it’s the end of the year, and I feel jealous that everyone else has so much to celebrate while i’m still exactly as clueless as I was before. I thought reading that Kevin Leman book changed me. It’s like the holiday season just reversed everything and then made me feel so much worse.
Why is everyone constantly testing how useful I am? I’m not here for you to evaluate! I so hate it! Everyone keeps telling me what my problem is, instead of waiting for me to tell them what’s wrong, not that they bothered to ask. I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to point out that my problems are just that and no one should ever have to endure taking an interest in them, let alone be involved in them. Even though when you need something everyone else is expected to give their everything and support you to the fullest.