Post 178

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 28-10-2012

21

Well, the country had a really great 3 day weekend; for school kids it was 4 days; and everyone was so looking forward to it and was gonna have so much fun. I on the other hand was really upset because my dad was around more than anyone else and that just ruined everything. My mom was asking when he’s going back to work cause my dad and I were fighting so much. And how do I know when to use ‘my dad and I’ instead of ‘me and my dad’ ? I don’t know if i’ll ever learn or understand english grammar. I feel really sad that I didn’t get to go shopping or at least experience the ambience of a shopping mall. I so wanted to go to Solaris Dutamas, or maybe even Paradigm. I had so many plans and places that I wanted to eat. But not enough faith in myself to follow through with it. I feel so bitter that people even had weddings and everyone went to their hometown and was so happy. I feel so lonely. As i’m typing this it just makes me feel even worse knowing that each sentence I type is that much more that no one is ever going to read. While everyone goes to their loved ones and celebrates their accomplishments this year, who do I really have to go to? I mean, my sisters have accomplished many things, both in their professional and romantic life, and they’re fine without having to share it with me. I try to blame it on being bashed by others, but the truth is even if they didn’t bash me they wouldn’t have anything good to say about me either. Now, the amazing 4 day weekend that school kids all over the country were staying up and sleeping in during is over. It’s over, I missed my chance to have fun, and so begins another dreary week. No amount of pop or dance is ever going to alleviate the pain or fill the emptiness, and it’s not because the neighbours have suffered more than enough loud music.

 

My mom was working on thursday and saturday, and the rest of the time I was just waiting for my sister to come back from her Kelantan trip under the delusion that anything can only get done if she’s around to lead us through it. I guess i’ve assumed a role whereby living vicariously through the everyday victories that i help others to achieve inevitably leads me incapacitated to decide what I want to do let alone do it. I’ve always just tagged along. As much as I and everyone else think it’s about attention and appreciation; it really is truly about direction. Everything i’ve done in my life was just filling time trying to get as much of a reprieve as I can before i’m told to do something. Just intervals between my dad being around, or intervals between one disastrous fight and another. I’ve never really experienced true meaning or even life. Even when i’m with my sisters or my friends i’m just tagging along adding in to whatever the conversation is. I’ve really never accomplished anything. And without that to give me substance as an individual, i have no value to anyone, which leaves me here. Alone as always. Do I want to be needed? Will I ever find fulfillment in my life? Will I ever be competent as a human being? Were the flaws pointed out to me by everyone not necessarily the things that kept me from discovering my strengths?

Post 177

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 23-10-2012

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azreen

Post 176

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted on 21-10-2012

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Post 175

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 11-10-2012

18

Comment if you wanna see the unedited photo

Post 174

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 09-10-2012

25

I’m glad that my sister’s back from melbourne+auckland. She even let me use her car, which I was really worried about because she had stuff in it that she might need to use. Like her CDs that she might need to listen to. Plus, whoever has to use my car is really unlucky to not be able to enjoy super cold air con, corner sensor, and CD player. For those of you who follow me on twitter (other than my youngest sister) you would know how I feel about corner sensors as a basic human right. They just are!

Anyway, I won’t bother posting pictures of my hallowed messianic sister’s transcendental return since my blog has no readers, plus people can refer to my youngest sister’s instagram, or facebook if anyone still uses that anymore. Speaking of facebook, I hope it dies out completely, and soon. Cyberstalkers by definition are people who can find any digital means necessary to gather information about a person, not just relying on facebook, so really, it shouldn’t be a problem for any party involved. I was disappointed that I didn’t get to go out with my older sister like I used to when I was 16 to 18. I really like experiencing the wonderful environment of a shopping mall under her leadership through the crowds. I really wish I could join the family to eat at somewhere unreasonably extravagant like delicious by miss read, even though I probably really don’t like the food or even the company. It’s always nice to tag along and not have to play any role. Then I just order a starter or just a dessert and everyone feigns concern for me, each time less convincing than the previous. What I really want is to eat at wip or alexis or marmalade. Or at least decanter. What I want more than that is for someone to take the time to talk to me about why I allow my compulsion to overspend at a restaurant that I don’t even order a main to cover up my real intentions of seeking attention from people whom I thought care about me the most in this world. I do realise that it’s wrong for me to keep hoping someone would come to my side and gently ask me out of genuine concern why I won’t order or eat as much as everyone else, whether the missing course of my meal represent what’s missing in my life. In the end it’s something you need as a human being. Anyone who notices anything about my life would realize i’m so obsessed with food because eating too many sweet desserts that taste good helps temporarily take me away from the bitter loneliness that I feel due to lack of friends, or just a person to talk to. Without conversation to distract me, i’m left without company, alone only facing walls that reverberate a deafening silence of truths about myself that I don’t want to confront yet still burns right through me.

azreen