October 2012

Post 178

Well, the country had a really great 3 day weekend; for school kids it was 4 days; and everyone was so looking forward to it and was gonna have so much fun. I on the other hand was really upset because my dad was around more than anyone else and that just ruined everything. My mom was asking when he's going back to work cause my dad and I were fighting so much. And how do I know when to use 'my dad and I' instead of 'me and my dad' ? I don't know if i'll ever learn or understand english grammar. I feel really sad that I didn't get to go shopping or at least experience the ambience of a shopping mall. I so wanted to go to Solaris Dutamas, or maybe even Paradigm. I had so many plans and places that I wanted to eat. But not enough faith in myself to follow through with it. I feel so bitter that people even had weddings and everyone went to their hometown and was so happy. I feel so lonely. As i'm typing this it just makes me feel even worse knowing that each sentence I type is that much more that no one is ever going to read. While everyone goes to their loved ones and celebrates their accomplishments this year, who do I really have to go to? I mean, my sisters have accomplished many things, both in their professional and romantic life, and they're fine without having to share it with me. I try to blame it on being bashed by others, but the truth is even if they didn't bash me they wouldn't have anything good to say about me either. Now, the amazing 4 day weekend that school kids all over the country were staying up and sleeping in during is over. It's over, I missed my chance to have fun, and so begins another dreary week. No amount of pop or dance is ever going to alleviate the pain or fill the emptiness, and it's not because the neighbours have suffered more than enough loud music.   My mom was working on thursday and saturday, and the rest of the time I was just waiting for my sister to come back from her Kelantan trip under the delusion that anything can only get done if she's around to lead us through it. I guess i've assumed a role whereby living vicariously through the everyday victories that i help others to achieve inevitably leads me incapacitated to decide what I want to do let alone do it. I've always just tagged along. As much as I and everyone else think it's about attention and appreciation; it really is truly about direction. Everything i've done in my life was just filling time trying to get as much of a reprieve as I can before i'm told to do something. Just intervals between my dad being around, or intervals between one disastrous fight and another. I've never really experienced true meaning or even life. Even when i'm with my sisters or my friends i'm just tagging along adding in to whatever the conversation is. I've really never accomplished anything. And without that to give me substance as an individual, i have no value to anyone, which leaves me here. Alone as always. Do I want to be needed? Will I ever find fulfillment in my life? Will I ever be competent as a human being? Were the flaws pointed out to me by everyone not necessarily the things that kept me from discovering my strengths?

Post 176

Post 175

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