June 2012

Post 159

 So i've been making very painful discoveries about myself, and having to come to terms with your personality is really hard. I need to go back to when I was able to be carefree and honest with everyone, instead of constantly ashamed, and even thinking that everyone is out to humiliate me. Amelia gave me Kevin Leman's Have a New You by Friday, and it helped me ask more questions about my life and make some progress in defining at least what I want. I've never had any trouble knowing what I don't want, I feel like i'm up to my ears in it every day. Primarily, no more roles. That's one of the biggest issues that I feel really determined a lot of things for me for a long time. I'm always taken as this part of society, or ethnic profile, and most of what i've been doing was; I realise now, an effort to relinquish the roles that seemed to be placed upon me. I feel like I really need to just be alone and just breathe. Have a reprieve. Not define myself by these circumstances. Looking back at all those opportunities that I had to make a difference in myself and truly develop my personality, having to build back myself from so many things slipped away at various points of my life. I don't feel I can ever get there. Let alone do it overnight. The reason i've never met someone who could read me completely, well it's because they bolted before they went through with the rest of the agony.