That person really really really upset me, and made me feel so much worse about myself than I already did — something that I can’t just erase or repair overnight. It really affected me, and that desperation to retaliate against that person made me go against my own beliefs, and I hated that. Now i’m confused and don’t know who I am. I was never a superficial person and this really puts me back several years — I might as well be in high school agian. My mom and sisters, do they even care? Did they even notice how I wasn’t as happy anymore? Who am I supposed to trust? Why bother telling me not to be so negative if you’re just going to tell me? They thought it was just usual me. Clearly anyone who knows me would know that I need actual help rather than someone just dismissing my feelings as plain insanity. It’s obvious that you don’t want to acknowledge my feelings because you are so focused only on my productivity and what convenience I provide to your life. They know I hate feeling used and they just make it worse. Nothing is ever severe if I go through it alone, but when it’s them everyone has to feel bad and be sorry and help out. When I help people it’s because I have no other choice — my own uncertainty about my self-worth leaves me no feeling of purpose and I can only seek fulfillment by carrying out someone’s instructions. It’s very hurtful to deceive myself into feeling so happy, and when that fades all that’s left is what’s underneath, and I can’t cope with going from one extreme to another. I keep being made to blame myself for thinking about it, or taking it personally. Like you can have feelings that are wrong. I never once went to someone and told them to stop feeling sad or angry. If anything, I would ask them why. When I depended on my mom and my sisters, I ended up watching them go the other way. I can’t just change my loyalties in my life, because there’s literally no one else out there who wants me. I can’t settle for having friends for the sake of having friends. Especially if I don’t like how they treat me. In fact, I feel alone all the time anyway. But I don’t have the chance to be truly alone either. I just don’t know what to do.
I really feel like there’s no one I can trust. When I feel something, you’ll definitely see it, i’m that transparent. It always shows when i’m upset. I get very emotional. I can’t just keep everything inside like everyone else. It’s too hard. I just don’t know what to do. I feel lonely all the time, i feel desperate for someone to talk to. But I don’t want just anyone to talk to, I need a friend who cares about me. I can’t keep tagging along with people who want to benefit what little they can out of me, or just trying to conform to what most people expect of me, it just doesn’t work, and I feel even more unhappy. I look around and everyone else has someone who cares about them, and they don’t throw their dissatisfaction in their face or blame them for everything. They actually appreciate their friends. When is someone going to actually want to know me?
I can’t believe all this time I didn’t know about Carly Rae Jepsen! The song is perfect, and it could be made into a romantic comedy. Speaking of which, i’m waiting for someone to take me to go see The Vow. Apparently The Killers was showing on astro but I missed it everytime. Gosh! I really wish I could have that yogurt from Jco, or the one from Coffee Bean, it’s nice too.
I wish my life could go back to normal, back to when I was using a regular nokia phone. The battery could last for 3 days! I could play snake all day! I don’t understand what is going on with the world today, like if I wanted to use twitter, I’ll just open my laptop. What is so hard? I’ll just press keys on a keyboard if I want to execute a command, or type a text message. And really, there’s nothing fun to do online! You can listen to music like on youtube, but that depends on your connection anyway. And if a smartphone doesn’t have 3G reception in that area or there’s no free wifi around, then it’s completely useless! Like, how many megabytes are you going to just keep using anyway? On my laptop I don’t need to be online and I can just have fun editing photos on photoshop. Last time, I would code my blog offline and only go online to upload the work that I finished. I really miss that. Basic HTML, using only a shoutbox for comments. And people actually used e-mail, and you don’t have to tell them to check their e-mail after you e-mailed them something.
Oh my gosh! 4minute has finally released the new Volume Up video! It looks amazing! They’re so gorgeous! If only they had informed us about the theme of this album earlier so that I would be more prepared. The whole thing seems to be happening so fast. Ironic, considering I was so impatient for it to be released.
A conflicted heart feeds off doubt and confusion. It will make you question your path, your tactics, your motives. When you stare ahead darkness is all you see. Only reason and determination can pull you back from the abyss. The greatest weapon anyone can use against us is our own mind. Always question where your loyalty lies. The people you trust will expect it, your greatest enemies will desire it and those you treasure the most will without fail, abuse it. Truth is a battle of perceptions. People only see what they’re prepared to confront. Its not what you look at that matters, but what you see. And when different perceptions battle against one another, the truth has a way of getting lost; and the monsters find a way of getting out.
But in reality our perception is often clouded; by expectations, by experiences. True loyalty takes years to build and only seconds to destroy. Some say that our lives are defined by the sum of our choices, but it’s not really our choices who distinguish who we are, it’s our commitment to them. Just as there are two sides to every story, there are two sides to every person. One that we reveal to the world and another we keep hidden inside. A duality governed by the balance of light and darkness. Within each of us is the capacity for both good and evil. But those of us who are able to blur the moral dividing line hold the true power.
I’m so excited for Volume Up! The only thing worse than being somewhere you don’t belong is knowing it. People keep telling me that I have to change seemingly out of their alleged concern for me, but they just want to inflict that awareness on me. Everything is always a review of someone’s usefulness. It’s always “She’s getting worse” or “She makes things so hard” instead of “She must be upset” followed by “I wonder what’s bothering her”. The truth is people don’t care about each other. I don’t know if it’s anymore, or if they never did. I live in the comfortable delusion that there’s always someone who will want to help me through anything, but what no one wants to admit is that they like to see me alone, at least rather than with them. In order to learn about true meaning in life, I have to find these lessons from people who look for it in life, but the reality is that i’m surrounded by wannabe-models, who mostly are coincidentally socialites. All I get from people is ‘I’m better than putting up with you’. I’m tired of begging people to come down to my level to speak to me. I need to find someone who actually wants to know about me. I need to find someone who would read my blog. I let myself settle for friends who feign interest in me. I let the world make me think that it was more than enough. If you are around people who want you to hate yourself, you eventually will. Will anyone put down their phone to talk to me?
Wow! She really thinks she’s a boss!?! She must be so immensely popular that she has the nerve to friend request someone that she’s not even close to! Like they will do anything other than just block her?!
I wish I could shower with hot water and then sleep in a very cold air-conditioned and peaceful hotel room by myself. Sounds so relaxing and enticing! Then I want to order room service. Then I wouldn’t even ask to go shopping in the city! Would I even want for anything else, since I could probably sleep for a week?
Anyway, since i’m hungry right now, I really want to eat chocolate pretzel stix from Auntie Anne’s, or chocolate danish from Loaf! Or maybe cinnamon rolls from Cinnabon! How I wish I could have one right now!
I miss that feeling of being rested, hydrated, and clean!
Things I want to do
Purchase and watch
Horrible Bosses Warner Bros. Pictures
Crazy Stupid Love Warner Bros. Pictures
I don’t know how she does it The Weinstein Company
Go to see