April 2012

Post 158

That person really really really upset me, and made me feel so much worse about myself than I already did -- something that I can't just erase or repair overnight. It really affected me, and that desperation to retaliate against that person made me go against my own beliefs, and I hated that. Now i'm confused and don't know who I am. I was never a superficial person and this really puts me back several years -- I might as well be in high school agian. My mom and sisters, do they even care? Did they even notice how I wasn't as happy anymore? Who am I supposed to trust? Why bother telling me not to be so negative if you're just going to tell me? They thought it was just usual me. Clearly anyone who knows me would know that I need actual help rather than someone just dismissing my feelings as plain insanity. It's obvious that you don't want to acknowledge my feelings because you are so focused only on my productivity and what convenience I provide to your life. They know I hate feeling used and they just make it worse. Nothing is ever severe if I go through it alone, but when it's them everyone has to feel bad and be sorry and help out. When I help people it's because I have no other choice -- my own uncertainty about my self-worth leaves me no feeling of purpose and I can only seek fulfillment by carrying out someone's instructions. It's very hurtful to deceive myself into feeling so happy, and when that fades all that's left is what's underneath, and I can't cope with going from one extreme to another. I keep being made to blame myself for thinking about it, or taking it personally. Like you can have feelings that are wrong. I never once went to someone and told them to stop feeling sad or angry. If anything, I would ask them why. When I depended on my mom and my sisters, I ended up watching them go the other way. I can't just change my loyalties in my life, because there's literally no one else out there who wants me. I can't settle for having friends for the sake of having friends. Especially if I don't like how they treat me. In fact, I feel alone all the time anyway. But I don't have the chance to be truly alone either. I just don't know what to do.

Post 157

I really feel like there's no one I can trust. When I feel something, you'll definitely see it, i'm that transparent. It always shows when i'm upset. I get very emotional. I can't just keep everything inside like everyone else. It's too hard. I just don't know what to do. I feel lonely all the time, i feel desperate for someone to talk to. But I don't want just anyone to talk to, I need a friend who cares about me. I can't keep tagging along with people who want to benefit what little they can out of me, or just trying to conform to what most people expect of me, it just doesn't work, and I feel even more unhappy. I look around and everyone else has someone who cares about them, and they don't throw their dissatisfaction in their face or blame them for everything. They actually appreciate their friends. When is someone going to actually want to know me?

Post 156

I can't believe all this time I didn't know about Carly Rae Jepsen! The song is perfect, and it could be made into a romantic comedy. Speaking of which, i'm waiting for someone to take me to go see The Vow. Apparently The Killers was showing on astro but I missed it everytime. Gosh! I really wish I could have that yogurt from Jco, or the one from Coffee Bean, it's nice too.

Post 155

I wish my life could go back to normal, back to when I was using a regular nokia phone. The battery could last for 3 days! I could play snake all day! I don't understand what is going on with the world today, like if I wanted to use twitter, I'll just open my laptop. What is so hard? I'll just press keys on a keyboard if I want to execute a command, or type a text message. And really, there's nothing fun to do online! You can listen to music like on youtube, but that depends on your connection anyway. And if a smartphone doesn't have 3G reception in that area or there's no free wifi around, then it's completely useless! Like, how many megabytes are you going to just keep using anyway? On my laptop I don't need to be online and I can just have fun editing photos on photoshop. Last time, I would code my blog offline and only go online to upload the work that I finished. I really miss that. Basic HTML, using only a shoutbox for comments. And people actually used e-mail, and you don't have to tell them to check their e-mail after you e-mailed them something.