My parents never let me forget how disposable I am. It's always about your productivity. Even if it wasn't i'm apparently still easily replaceable. They never let me forget that I have nothing to offer them. How incapable I am even to the point of letting myself down. Throughout my life, there have been people who said I was shy and there have been people who said that i'm very extroverted. No prizes for guessing which one I heard more. You would think that someone who has so many (again with the shock of how big my family is, people will never get over it) sisters to talk to would have talked himself to death already. How could I still have so much to say, everyday, all day? I have no idea. You would think that someone who has so many people to pay attention to him at home wouldn't be so desperate to have friends and get attention. Why does azreen constantly need to be heard? Maybe you wouldn't have to put up with him so much if he already had someone to always be there for him. And that's what people do -- put up with me, not like it, and get pissed. Honestly, when i'm gone it's such a relief for everyone. But is death my gift, or everyone elses? At least it all ends. Maybe that's why I think that it solves everything. Every person who has the kindness and generosity to talk to me and make friends with me is immediately labelled as an enabler. I want to live my life and figure out who I am, but unfortunately who i am was something that's forced on me ever since I can remember. All I am is the problem, and everything I do is just to rebel and has nothing to do with beliefs or helping anyone. I wish I could find someone who agrees with me.
I've been considering tumblr-ing as something that I want to start doing, I don't know why something that I don't understand seems to capture my interest. Also, speaking of tumblr, apparently there's all this judgement among users about usage of bright colours, lack of originality which was actually a result of availability of the reblogging function, and making people feel bad about themselves under the guise of speaking your mind. It all seems really complicated, but fitting with the hypersegregation of contemporary culture clearly evident in age-defined internet use, tumblr caters to a specific target demographic so I can see how the users would want to fit into a niche, defining themselves based largely on what everyone else is currently doing. There's all this throwing around of terms like mainstream, and originality. These were always big issues in my life, but until today, i'm still trying to figure out what it all means. Everyone has to have some kind of entertatinment-based identity, like taking sides before a war, except maybe there's one that's already begun. There's a whole other world out here. It's expected that in accordance with media influence, arising subcultures would each have a specific representation in some form of online community or another. However, with the recent move towards social networking, there's an arising culture of judging people based on their number of followers or friends, which is a manifestation of public identity many are affected by. Kids are being exposed to a lot because of this. We need to start asking ourselves why we are condemning people and things just because they are different and make us feel uncomfortable.