My parents never let me forget how disposable I am. It’s always about your productivity. Even if it wasn’t i’m apparently still easily replaceable. They never let me forget that I have nothing to offer them. How incapable I am even to the point of letting myself down.
Throughout my life, there have been people who said I was shy and there have been people who said that i’m very extroverted. No prizes for guessing which one I heard more. You would think that someone who has so many (again with the shock of how big my family is, people will never get over it) sisters to talk to would have talked himself to death already. How could I still have so much to say, everyday, all day? I have no idea. You would think that someone who has so many people to pay attention to him at home wouldn’t be so desperate to have friends and get attention. Why does azreen constantly need to be heard? Maybe you wouldn’t have to put up with him so much if he already had someone to always be there for him. And that’s what people do — put up with me, not like it, and get pissed. Honestly, when i’m gone it’s such a relief for everyone. But is death my gift, or everyone elses? At least it all ends. Maybe that’s why I think that it solves everything. Every person who has the kindness and generosity to talk to me and make friends with me is immediately labelled as an enabler. I want to live my life and figure out who I am, but unfortunately who i am was something that’s forced on me ever since I can remember. All I am is the problem, and everything I do is just to rebel and has nothing to do with beliefs or helping anyone.
I wish I could find someone who agrees with me.
I’ve been considering tumblr-ing as something that I want to start doing, I don’t know why something that I don’t understand seems to capture my interest. Also, speaking of tumblr, apparently there’s all this judgement among users about usage of bright colours, lack of originality which was actually a result of availability of the reblogging function, and making people feel bad about themselves under the guise of speaking your mind. It all seems really complicated, but fitting with the hypersegregation of contemporary culture clearly evident in age-defined internet use, tumblr caters to a specific target demographic so I can see how the users would want to fit into a niche, defining themselves based largely on what everyone else is currently doing. There’s all this throwing around of terms like mainstream, and originality. These were always big issues in my life, but until today, i’m still trying to figure out what it all means. Everyone has to have some kind of entertatinment-based identity, like taking sides before a war, except maybe there’s one that’s already begun. There’s a whole other world out here. It’s expected that in accordance with media influence, arising subcultures would each have a specific representation in some form of online community or another.
However, with the recent move towards social networking, there’s an arising culture of judging people based on their number of followers or friends, which is a manifestation of public identity many are affected by. Kids are being exposed to a lot because of this. We need to start asking ourselves why we are condemning people and things just because they are different and make us feel uncomfortable.
There’s always that girl, naturally skinny and with flawless complexion, she has a stay at home mom, a maid, is close to her sisters, has study groups with her best girlfriends, elected as head prefect, gets best student award every year, doesn’t need to work during school holidays. Don’t believe me, ask me who she is. People tell me that nobody’s perfect. Okay fine, actually my mom tells me nobody’s perfect. But seriously? Sure, maybe she’s not charitable, or she doesn’t recycle. But her parents are proud of her. My friends have told me really kind things like don’t compare yourself to other people, just do what makes you happy, and do the best you can for yourself. But seriously? In the school I went to, we were taught to compare ourselves in everything to everyone! Being the second oldest, how can I not compare myself to other people? I keep talking about all these bad influences in my life. Growing up in a superficial town, having parents who don’t speak BM and watch tv all the time, of being manipulated by girls who think they’re better than me because they’re popular. I know that if all this didn’t happen to me, I would have become a much better person than what I am today. My defeatist mentality, intolerance for physical activity, everything comes from those. I was ruined before I had the chance to know how to face anything, so please don’t tell me that I need to be more tough or resilient or determined or any of those things that I don’t see you demonstrate cause when something is inconvenient you either make me do stuff for you or you just vent to me! Okay, mostly that’s what my mom does, but I see other people do it too, like to other people if not me.
Everything I learnt, all those rules, I don’t think any of it applies anymore. The way you reach out to people is clearly one of the biggest things that’s changed. Who’s going to read my text messages or pick up my calls when all people are doing right now is whatsapping each other. I think the approach to achieving your goals are different now. As most people say it, the game has changed. You don’t go to work and then when you finish your work come home. You’re constantly receiving updates and you’re available all day, especially those people who work on facebook. It’s so strange to me, how people just get on to what’s happening and then it becomes natural to them.
Humans are social beings, as i’ve been told many times over. As much as I don’t want to believe it. I’ll discuss the irony of how the people who said this to me are the same people who ignored me; later. Also, I should discuss the irony of how those same people when asked why they didn’t invite me to their birthdays or showed up for mine, simply cited my lack of social initiative; when they were the ones who were peddling these reaching-out-teachings. Anyway, apparently, even though i’m stuck alone and am probably better off alone cause i actually care about more than things like reputation and status; we are all supposed to rely on each other for conversation as a boost for our psyche. So facebook made that easier for people, but then they ended up spending their day not only on games, but also enviously reading about people’s extravagant vacations, birthday celebrations, shopping sprees, makeovers, weddings, and job promotions. So that gives the opposite effect, especially for cyberstalkers, a population that facebook seemed to enable and contribute to. Another unfortunate side effect, people forgot how to have eye contact and just say goodday, and then other people feel even more left out.
What’s worse, it isn’t just the superficial town of Subang Jaya anymore. Thanks to everyone being connected online, you can see how perfect and flawless everyone looks not only on their profile pics, but constantly on your news feeed. Like anyone is going to consistently photoshop every single photo of themselves, get real. So obviously, everyone is going to obsess over how they look, leaving me the only one who didn’t get his eyebrows threaded and skin lasered.
Now, intellectual opinions about institutional propagation in culture to our generation and society, among other things, are only discussed with a few vague comments on a wall post, and then abandoned. People don’t think about things anymore. They just tell me i’m reading to much into it. Like I asked in my previous posts, when am I going to meet that vegetarian children’s rights activist who doesn’t watch tv and doesn’t buy from big corporations? The one who will show me how to live life with real meaning and purpose, to everyday fight against popular culture to defend society’s standards and morals. Consumerism and conventions have made people docile and complacent, and without someone with real intellectual and artistic value to lead me, I will just be swept away in the postmodern tide.
I hope everyone understands that I needed to be a little more strict with the comments. I used to have it open, but later I couldn’t cope with the spam so I had to make you all register an account. Sometimes the spam dies down, and I did switch it back to open-letter a few times last year, but sometimes even with the login-option I get spam accounts being registered. I personally preferred open comments, since that’s actually the point of my blog in the beginning. I wanted anyone to have a chance to give their opinion about things, and encourage sharing among people, like equally. Hmm, how hanging.
I got these pictures of Tia Hwang by watching Chocolat’s music video. I made my own screencaps and then picked these two cause I liked them. So please don’t sue me. Okay, for those of you who missed the explanation the first time, now you can learn why I have this constant obsession with having long or dyed hair. Also, I don’t even keep my hair that long, but you people keep yelling at me that it’s so super long and that it needs to chopped off urgently cause it’s cascading down my shoulders.
What an awful start to the year! My twitter was hacked, as well as my e-mail! I had to change my passwords so many times! Instead of being able to start over, i’m still cleaning up after the messes from last year! So behind in spring cleaning, but there’s so much stuff, I just can’t cope! The house is a complete mess! This is so frustrating. My mom couldn’t start my sister’s car, so she asked me to have it jump-started, and after the person came, he told me that it’s the key’s fault! All my mom had to do was use the spare key instead! If i told my sister, she would just tell me that my mom is doing her best, and that I should just be grateful for it. I don’t understand how everyone around me can be so happy, yet still be so unsatisfied that they always want me to shut up.
Why do I have to come from such a superficial town? Forget about everyone having a gym membership so that they can drive to the gym to exercise. Forget about wearing expensive clothes just to step out and buy more beauty products. Absolutely everyone I see has a fresh nail-job, dye-job, hair-removal, and threading! How am I supposed to react? How can you expect me not to be influenced?! Or at least pressured? Why does everyone have to be a model? Why is there an Overtime and a Library in SS15? I can’t achieve anything I have no one to look to for a good example. I need to see someone deal with all this in a graceful and rational way, so that I can learn from it. Don’t tell me I have to be the first person to form a movement against.