Post 122

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 31-08-2011

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My mom has bestfriends that she barely talks to anymore. It happens to most parents — with the stresses of work and daily life, who can go catch a movie with their school friends anymore? I don’t think I can survive without having my bestfriends by my side everyday. Especially because whenever I don’t talk to someone for a long time, i’ll feel awkward with them. I’ve always thought about the issue of being alone. I feel that a lot of people are friends and even more with others simply because they’re afraid to be alone, and while I always feel lonely, I only want to be around the right people.

This time of year really makes me reflect on the role that I have in either my family or society. And I don’t want any role, because I want to define myself by my personality. If you ask my siblings, you’d know that I can talk all day, but it’s not with everyone. I don’t like that i’m different with different people. I actually always look to someone else to speak first. Until now i’m still looking for that leader to look to cause I can’t take that role. After a lot of experiences I do however know what I expect in a leader, such as giving a voice to those who need it the most, but I still can’t accomplish those things that I expect of them. Either way, I don’t want to be put on a pedestal and at the same time I want to have some control over my own life. I like people who micromanage, but others say that it’s annoying. I don’t expect much from a person with position, but people always think that presence is a basic requirement for being a leader.
I always wondered how people are able to take charge of their life. One thing that was always told to me was that rather than dwell on things that make me unhappy, I should instead venture into things that will make me happy, leaving what probably can’t be solved anyway for later. But now I think that maybe everything should be taken into your hands and dealt with one by one before you can finally have a reprieve or rather, be happy. I don’t know. One idea is that being happy is doing what you love even when you have to deal with things that you hate, while the other idea is that being happy is simply the absence of misery.

Post 121

Posted by azreen | Posted in Birthday Presents | Posted on 29-08-2011

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Okay, so saturday night was Amelia’s birthday party at TGIF Pyramid. And then sunday night I went to Pasta Zanmai Empire with my family. The first picture is Chicken Onsen Rice, and the second picture was I think Cedar-Seared Salmon Pasta which I forgot to steal from the person who ordered it. So far we’ve got Vanessa’s present, Keesha’s present, and Kyra’s present. And also my auntie’s present. my mom said we’re giving them their presents during raya. While other people bring the rendang, ketupat, lemang etc.

Everything at Pasta Zanmai is so good, I couldn’t decide what to order. And they served everything within 20 minutes! When we were at Secret Recipe in Parade on wednesday night I already had a feeling it would go bad, but when the waiting time was reached the one-hour mark I already couldn’t handle it even though I already expected something. Anyway, initially I was pushing for Seoul Garden to my sister, and after that Madam Kwan’s to my mom. I still don’t know what I really like to eat. Nothing ever really pleases me that much. Today I went to look for Wario Smooth Moves at Summit, but almost everywhere is already closed or sold out. I didn’t think it would be this hard. I really want to treatment my dry hair today, but we all know there’re far bigger adversities that await me.

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Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 27-08-2011

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Post 119

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 26-08-2011

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Post 118

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos, Wish List | Posted on 25-08-2011

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There are many issues and causes that, when I was younger, I always hoped that I would eventually be able to help or contribute to in the future. For example, I always thought of the need for an establishment that serves as a centre for support for mothers, but I guess we already have organizations like women’s aid, though i’m not sure if it includes it. Anyway, something else that I won’t have any means to lend myself to anytime soon is the epidemic of peer group rejection, especially chronic peer exclusion. Being a victim of both passive and active aggression in school, you would think that i’d be very passionate about this subject. I honestly now think that this is something that will go on forever, I don’t know why in life I have just become more and more hopeless about it. I hope one day that that more people will bring more awareness to this matter, and that more people will be educated about how severe this can be and the steps that we need to take in order to overcome this.

There are a few dvds that I want to buy. Among them are, The Roommate, Black Swan, Life as We Know it, Burlesque, Something Borrowed, and Red Riding Hood. I feel that it’s so unfair that I missed all of these last time, so I want to watch them all as soon as I can.

Post 117

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 22-08-2011

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The beautiful T-aeYou can go to the rtv forum to find images like this one, and this image has a brush set from Kisuki.net. In my previous blog post I talked about social roles, and expectations of society. As most of you have probably realized, I ran away from the pressure of being butch like every other guy because it’s easier for me. Also, I don’t think it’s a fair expectation of me because there are many ways of being active and fit. There’s a strict perception of how every guy must be lifting weights but you can actually do like ice-skating, bowling, archery, and dancing, and these are for everyone. What’s great about ice-skating and dancing is that you can be creative. Not everything has to be a race, you can actually do things where you can appreciate people expressing themselves. This is what worries me about the world — less and less  people are finding healthy creative outlets for themselves, and effectively throw away the things that as individuals only they can offer artistically. It’s so clear that society has such rigid rules that we have to abide to, and it’s sad when i see children be stifled not realizing what’s actually happening to them. They have so much potential and are essentially the people who can save us from ourselves with their earnest and fresh perspective on things.

Post 116

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 19-08-2011

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I understand that the goal should be a healthy lifestyle. If you’re always looking to be more skinny you’re always going to have problems cause you’ll never see yourself as skinny enough. If you lost a lot of weight recently, it’s actually not that great compared to if you’re healthy and happy right now. There’s nothing different between when you were visibly fat and visibly thin. Both times you were focusing on how you looked and how your weight affected that. Any real difference that can occur can only take place if you changed to a healthy lifestyle, and then if you do lose weight and look thinner, then that’s just something that happened along the way.

I’m not discussing this because I want to lose weight, but it’s because i’ve been a victim of scrutiny about my body and/or weight. I really don’t care whether i’m fat or skinny. People have been talking bad about me since ever, so whether or not i gain or lose weight isn’t going to change that. Bethenny Frankel and Jennifer Hudson, although are happy and healthy, sadly failed to address this issue. What they do is for themselves, which is to choose a positive, healthy, and productive lifestyle, but instead seem to gloat about how thin they are, which wasn’t and shouldn’t have been the point of all their effort.

Another important thing that I wish to address and not just in this post, is about societies expectations, which could be one of the causes of people’s obsession with exercising solely to lose weight and be thin. I’d also like to point out that a lot of people who are obsessed with diets and exercise for this reason are already thin, but they want to look thin, which is so much more important to them than just being thin. Society has a lot of expectations for people, not just adults, and not to just be thin. I’m not sure about the grammar for any of this so feel free to correct me. Our culture and lifestyle conveniently does not provide the individual with any necessary reinforcement for being able to completely have identification of each persons’ true self and public persona, in order to face the paradoxes of, paradoxically, our culture and society. Everyone seem to have roles that they have to fill, especially when no one says it out loud. And that’s the most damaging part, especially to children. They already think that they have to be something as expected by society, without anyone having said it to them. It’s just implied by social interactions. Ah, wonderful healthy social interactions that take place. In conducive environments like school, work, recreational facilities, and those wonderful social events. So if someone is busy trying to fulfil the role that society expects of them, they’re replacing something much more valuable that they should’ve used their time for — identifying themselves as individuals. Then there’s the added complication of your public persona, which for some people seem to think is, like in an equation, the difference between your expectations and what you actually are. Public persona never adds up perfectly like that. It’s completely random and doesn’t make sense at all.

So sure, there’re rehab centers and treatment facilities people can appropriate. But I don’t think there’re enough support groups for people who don’t actually have medical disorders. Maybe we should have a halfway house for women who just got out of a bad divorce. Things that you go through even though only in a certain period, can have a very life-consuming effect on you.

So I have some very vivid, rather inelegant, visuals for the eager few who wish to satisfy their inquisitive minds and eyes. Questionable, sketchy stuff i know, but that’s why you only click on this link if you really want to.

Post 115

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 16-08-2011

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T-ae is so beautiful!

Okay, today I tried to help my younger sister with her rehab-ing her elbow, but I didn’t do a good job. As it turns out, Miranda Cosgrove also had an orthopaedic emergency when her tour bus was in an accident recently. I guess when it happens close to home then I notice it more in the world.

The only thing that i’m really able to do properly is shopping. And even then i’m not that great at it either. I’m not good at anything else, i can’t believe how pathetic i am. I think that I can go shopping even though i’m tired or hungry or don’t have enough sleep. I really like the ambiance in a mall, and it makes me believe myself to be normal. I try not to spend so much money, but when I don’t go shopping for too long I just feel very sad. The past year, i’ve spent money primarily on food. I didn’t want to buy outfits for myself like I used to anymore. Although even if I did, I wouldn’t have any occasion to wear them since I don’t go out much anymore. This is not the kind of personality I expected of myself. I always wanted to be better, to be someone who isn’t superficial and materialistic. However, you must understand that I didn’t have many opportunities to develop a lot of skills or talents. My dad wasn’t particularly supportive of me learning piano, and there conveniently isn’t a book club for me to cultivate my interest in reading or like literary stuff. No one likes my drawings, in fact, quite the contrary, so I was always ashamed of my drawing habit. I still do it, but I don’t like that I still do.

I don’t like being treated as a commodity, because even if I were to be, I would have nothing to offer. I always refrain from engaging with people because i’m too proud to hear what my mistakes are. That’s why when I run into people that I haven’t met for a long time, my eyes can’t really stay put and I tend to flinch, while haphazardly changing  the subject. I don’t like that they can see that I clearly haven’t changed. I don’t like confronting how I can be so set in my ways. I don’t think I had the chance to even have my own ways because my life always seemed so errant with so many sudden and strange conflicts. Like with that girl at school who wanted to manipulate me and when I retaliated wanted to ostracize me. Which she accomplished very well. And hence I stopped being used to talking to people and my social skills declined steadily. Please be aware that for me to have social anxiety disorder is very unlikely because people suffering from this experience very severe symptoms and it has an impact on their daily life in that they are unable to perform their duties or activities to a normal or complete extent. That’s why I don’t have it, because I simply am lazy to fulfill any responsibilities and refuse to mingle with anyone who isn’t completely sincere (aren’t many of them this kind of town). Read the rest of this entry »

Post 114

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 13-08-2011

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Post 113

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 07-08-2011

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When I think about last time I feel like crying, I can’t decide between the many low moments of high school. I was miserable in high school, but a there were a few times in lower secondary I was happy. In form 2, I was able to cope. Somehow. I have no idea what happened. I somehow was just not confident anymore. People just came up to me and asked me why I didn’t keep it up anymore. Why I lost it. There were so many big parts of my life that I felt I lost. Ultimately, I can never feel that young again. I’m always tired everyday now. When I look back at Charmed and Buffy, I really wonder if there was anything real or meaningful in my life then. Maybe it was my ignorance that made me so blissfully unaware. I think that happiness is just a perfect storm of luck. A constellation of coincidences that fall in your favour. Now, everywhere I turn there’s a mishap. There’s more of my unpreparedness that I have to make up for. I’m skating on such thin ice everyday. There’s always something that doesn’t even have to give that big of a nudge to tip the scale, and then my whole week takes a bad turn. I always said I liked peaceful and boring. I thought that maybe when i’m older and my life inevitably gets more complicated, I would learn something and somehow improve from it. But everyday it’s just one overwhelming thing after another and I don’t know how I can survive. Ironically enough, it’s the same old issues since I was young. I guess I just didn’t really have to confront it then.

 

Post 112

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 05-08-2011

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The real reason that you want me to have facebook account is simply because you want it to be easier to keep in touch with me. I’m supposed to be so flattered that you want it to be as easy as possible to contact me. In fact, it amazes me how you want to do as little as you can for another person. This is exactly what i’ve been trying to tell you and everyone else — this it’s what’s wrong with the world! My blog has been around for ages, but no, it has to be facebook. I don’t ask for much. If you think about me, simply pick up the phone and call me. For goodness sake i’m not asking you to come visit my house. I don’t care, don’t remember my birthday. Forget my birthday, I really don’t mind. It’s better than a wallpost, which I really don’t want. I’m not going to thank anyone for a wallpost! If that’s the only time you want to remember me, then don’t bother, please. I understand people are busy. I only call them pretentious when they manipulate me in their quest for attention. If they ignore me I have nothing to say about them. Even better for me, actually.

Post 111

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 02-08-2011

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For the millionth time i’m going to blog about how sad, lonely, and disappointed i am. I don’t want to keep having to peddle myself so hard. I shouldn’t have to convince someone how upset I am, because i’m not like a sales rep or something. It’s always a sales meeting or something. Unless I really hustle and sell it, no one, not even my mom is going to take a second glance at the idea. It’s just not worth anyone’s time. No one would want to even invest any perspective on it. Innocent children, their future development, and their need for encouragement at difficult times in their school life. Not a worthy enough cause. Especially if it doesn’t involve anything exciting like travelling or some kind of gala. Or someone famous backing it up. I feel like i’m always being instructed how to feel and react towards things, and that i’m not allowed to be upset unless it’s as serious as everyone else. Or unless it’s about someone else.

I’ve made it very clear that i’d rather die alone than be someone else’s posse. Both are actually equally miserable, but I don’t think anyone would understand why it’s come to this extent. I don’t know if anyone would even want to understand. No one wants to hear me. The reason i’ve always been afraid of confrontations is actually because i know exactly how bad it’ll turn out. I always know that my sisters and mom won’t believe me. Everything that I said hurts me is actually in my head, and that way no one should have to hear about it because it’s not real. I just make up feelings to make myself miserable. Because i’m so desperate for attention. Because I want to be those attention-seekers. That’s why I jump on every opportunity for socialites to manipulate me because at least they talk to me, and I feel important. Their approval of me means everything to me. I shouldn’t waste my time looking for friends who actually want me to be happy. Knowing lots of people is being happy. Not caring about someone because they care about you. Just reputation and status. That’s always so much more important than how anyone feels. There’s always something to be prioritized than how someone feels about something. Like arbitrary milestones in life, and dating. No one should ever have to go through the trouble of sticking around to see if i’m okay. Even if they’re related to me. They should just follow where the party goes. If i’m alone, that’s because i’m stupid, not because I see something more important than being seen at the scene.

I don’t want to be valued by how much I earn, who I know, what I can do for you. Why can’t I just be a person? Why do I have to be worth something to anyone? Why can’t you just want to know what i’m thinking about? Even just for the hell of it? I have no one to look to for guidance. I can’t do it all by myself. No one will believe me. There’s no one left to try to convince i’m not insane. For wanting what’s really important in life. It’s always just shut up, and carry on with the same disappointment. The problem goes away cause there was nothing worth talking about anyway. But everyday it’s still on my shoulders, I still look away from every conversation, it’s still there.