Post 72

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 14-02-2011

1

These are some of the things I hate about myself.

I like going to places like bv, ou, and curve. The funny thing is, it’s not like i maniacally run out and raid boutiques and come home with countless paper bags full of clothes. I actually don’t like shopping for clothes anymore. And I don’t think I ever liked shopping for shoes. Accessories, well it kind of gets itself done, i’m sure you all would know what I mean. All I actually really really want to do is feel the suasana of the mall, and sit down at various places and eat and eat and eat. Expensive food. Mostly desserts.

I look back at what I was like and I feel so surprised. How could I have possibly liked shopping for clothes? It has to be because I was delusional enough to think that

  • There actually exists an item of apparel that can fit me perfectly and look flattering on me
  • Out there somewhere there is actually an outfit that looks really chic (I can’t believe I used that term, it feels so elitist)
  • I actually have the skill to mix and match pieces to accomplish some semblance of style

How morbidly embarrassing. I can’t believe what the industry has come to. What I absolutely dislike is how every piece that ever exists has to be haphazardly seized, brutally ripped from the runway, and watered down so much that everything people are flipping through in boutique racks make me feel kind of embarrassed for humanity. I especially hate how trends that don’t even make sense rampantly take over the media, terrorizing consumers into thinking that if they don’t wear it, they won’t look cool. Then there are these people who are so apathetic that they’re deceived into wearing high-waisted pants for the sake of wearing high-waisted pants. Forget about whether the silhouette is good, or whether the fabric even makes any sense. If everyone’s doing nudes, you just throw on simply whatever nude you can find. Take a completely hideous top, and wear it with a skinny belt, because since skinny belts are in right now, you’ll look fashion forward in it no matter what you pair it with. Sheer! Everyone’s wearing that right now! Just throw on this black Nina Ricci even though the slit is too high and has a sheer train to boot. My god, black and sheer are two separate concepts, you can’t stuff them both into one outfit! Everyone knows sheer looks better in colours, like blue.

You could’ve just made the choice to be yourself. Express yourself and your personal style. Which is essentially the whole point in the first place. Save yourself the stylists fee. You don’t need to subscribe to elle, marie claire, vanity fair, or W. Just let your opinions and beliefs, you know, your principles, guide your choices.

Please, can there just be something original for once. Why is everything just a repetition of a previous era? I thought the whole point was to be innovative. To give people something new to wear.

Post 71

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 13-02-2011

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There are some vehement haters out there that really really loathe you. And it’s actually entertaining. Just that I find it scary instead.

I found this comment when I was reading some Lindsay news.

Even if she wasn’t “raised” to lie, cheat, or steal, she certainly was never punished for those behaviors by her parents (or the justice system for that matter).

And people, stop making the excuse of “she never had a chance with having parents like those”. There are many people in the world who pretty much have the devil as their parents, and they turn out to be kind, caring, law-abiding citizens who understand morals and the value of right or wrong.

Those people also realize that they’re parents are toxic to them, and even though it’s hard to do, they know they have to cut off all ties to them. And they do it, because they want to live a good life, and not be constantly dragged down by their parents

source:celebitchy

It’s hard for me to differentiate between the things I do and don’t deserve. Was my dad suppose to call me all those names that he did? I grew up always feeling like running into my room and hiding from confronting the truths about myself and the world. Putting up with my dad, whenever I look at him, all I can feel is regret, sadness, and a deep desire to watch him suffer immense pain. How he treated me made me bitter about my life, but it’s my fault I stayed that way.

Post 70

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 12-02-2011

2

After my older sister left for JB, I had to take over her tutoring duties. I felt honored for the opportunity. I’m scared too, cause I myself need tutoring. I don’t actually know what’s really supposed to happen in a tuition class. Anyway, i’m teaching my 11 year-old cousin secondary 1 maths. I myself find it hard. She’s been getting along with me. But she can get along with anyone. A really good thing about tuition is, by enrolling your child, you get to share with the tutor the nerve-racking anxiety of wondering how well your child will perform in exams. I tried to cover ratios, rates, and speed. I’m doing one-and-a-half hour sessions three times a week with her. She really is such a joy, I wish I could shine as brightly as she does. Kids these days are under an enormous amount of pressure and expectations. If I was as young as they were I don’t know how i’d keep up. All anyone ever wants for their kids is a happy and carefree childhood that they can fondly look back on, but the world today is just so fast-paced.

There were three loads of laundry yesterday, and I haven’t ironed or folded any of it. How efficient of me. I can’t believe it’s the weekend already. One good way to savour weekends is by waking up early. But most people will sleep their weekends away cause they’re too tired from working during the week. I’m sure the rest of the neighbourhood is mopping their whole house down now. I on the other hand, will probably die before I actually accomplish anything in my life.

I would rather say myself how tragic and pitiful my life is, than have someone throw it in my face. I know there are lots of things wrong with me, but for some reason I absolutely hate when people point out to me how pathetic I really am. Which is usually done in front of everyone. My dad just goes up to me and just says really loud, ‘Why is one eye smaller than the other?” “Why do you look swollen?”

Here’s something the judges can tell the Idol contestants during the auditions. They can just say that there’s no point taking them to Hollywood if they’re still going to be eliminated later. Forget about false hopes, if they clearly don’t stand a chance at becoming the next idol, then why suffer through the idol challenges? That way, they’re actually doing them a favor by saving them the heartache and disappointment. Of course, the best thing is if there’s no idol. Since voters keep voting for the same person over and over again. Different versions, sure but still of the same person.

Yesterday I found out that it’s common in Korea for sixteen-year-olds to get plastic surgery as a birthday gift from their parents. Oh, the things I could do. Heidi Montag was actually pretty, and she’s a nice person, it’s just that people get influenced, and it can get to the point where it drastically affects their whole life. I thought about how in high school I didn’t have to be so witchy. Neither did everyone else. They’re really smart people. They could have had a completely different life. Everyone could actually have been friends. Why do people want to try and be cool? It just gets in the way of friendship. The real kind.

Woohoo! I haven’t said that since I was nine, and even then I was just being ironic.

I never thought I would say this, but why do people always leave? Everything else in life doesn’t have to be constant, but loved ones should always be there until the end. You’re born, you love your parents, they divorce, then the stepchildren come first, you basically lose the people who you were supposed to be able to rely on for anything, and then you have to struggle to balance your mess of a family with friends at school, who’ll eventually tire  of someone with so much emotional baggage, and then you just have to struggle on your own the rest of the way. I suppose when your parents are old, you’ll take care of them and finally be with them again cause the stepchildren feel like it’s too menial. Why can’t there be someone who is there with you, from the beginning, going through everything that you go through, standing by you through thick and thin, until the end of your life? I know that some people are lucky enough to have had good friends like that. Had I been a nicer person, maybe I would’ve been deserving of something just as good.

I always get jealous when I see couples with a baby stroller. I know it’s stupid, but sometimes when I meet really nice older people, like when i’m facing a paediatrician, I kindof imagine what it’d be like if he was my dad. Is there anyone out there who is right for my mom? Is she doomed to be alone in the world?

I watched Bride Wars, and I thought about something that the character Marion St. Claire said.

Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you will find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding. But there’s also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who’s been standing beside you all along.

Post 69

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 07-02-2011

2

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. I should’ve done a lot of things different. There’re a lot of people that I have to apologize to. But most importantly I have to learn and grow from what’s happened and do better. I’ve been told to improve myself my whole life and I still haven’t got around to doing it. At this rate, I don’t know what’s going to happen to me.

Bullies can be relentless. No matter how much you give them, it’s never going to be enough. The only way is to stand up to them. But it takes a lot of courage. It could turn out very badly. Maybe if I tried I would find out whether or not it’s worth it.

Why do I even blog anyway? I have to be willing to change. Anyone who knows me would know that all I ever do is make excuses. What would I write about if I don’t actually want to confront my fears, insecurities, mistakes, and weaknesses? I can’t even accept who I am, let alone defend myself.

Post 68

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 02-02-2011

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Oh great. My dad is home all day today and I have nowhere to go. I don’t know what i’m going to do. My older sister even has to send the car to the service centre. And even pay for it.

I think my whole life I was looking for conviction. Everything always seems so confusing and scary, it’s always amazed me how some people can hold so strongly to their beliefs no matter what happens. Environmentalists, animal lovers, every0ne seems to be championing a cause. Me, I’m causing everything.

I can’t believe this is really it. Adult life. I tried my whole life up to now to be like my sister, and I completely failed. In fact, we’re polar opposites. She can adapt to any situation and lead others no matter what kind of conflict arises, I, on the other hand, let it affect me in the worst way. We were supposed to be close and have matching everything just like normal sibling do. How am I so different from her? Is there anything that I didn’t fail at? Son, brother, employee, driver, friend. Everything completely gone to hell. I don’t know how i’m supposed to have it all like everyone else. How can they have so much on their plate? It’s insane, I can’t even work on one. Taking care of their parents and family, success in their professional life, finding love. I’ll never reach any of that.

I remember when I was in highschool, being miserable, and at home I would hide in my wardrobe from my dad. He didn’t like us locking the door, and he didn’t like having to knock before entering as he pleases. To take out any frustration on anyone. He’d just come into my room and not see anyone there, and then leave. I think that’s the only time I ever felt I accomplished something. For myself anyway. If I had just stayed in the wardrobe. If I had just kept with my instinct to hide. I wouldn’t have caused so many car accidents. I don’t think I would’ve.

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Post 67

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 01-02-2011

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I hope everyone had a great Federal Territory day!

My sis has to pack for her trip back to JB. Packing is such a nightmare for me, I can never decide what not to bring, cause I always want to bring everything. I wish that clinical didn’t have to be in a separate campus, it’s so unfair! It doesn’t make sense to make students have to shift house. There’s talks of building a teaching hospital in the Klang Valley in the distant future, but it should’ve been there in the first place. I had such big dreams of tertiary education, and being just like my sister. I was even conceited enough to think that I was meant for higher learning. It’s sad really.

So my dad is arriving home tonight, i’m really not looking forward to it. So yeah, that’s what ruined my holiday today. There’s always something. Even if her regrets not having a (real) relationship with his children, it will only be when he’s at the end of his life. Then, it won’t be any use. He should’ve just chosen a path in life that would make him happy, then he wouldn’t have to be moaning so much about me making his life so hard. Everyone deserves to be happy, he should’ve just knew what he needed and went after it, instead of falling into comfortable routines and blaming others. I think that the whole world thinks i’m trapping my parents in a tragic treacherous life, when the truth is they’re the ones who don’t want to go find happiness. Everyone’s always telling me to follow my dreams and not hold on to grudges and resentment for the people I don’t like. But the truth is, i’m also afraid to go after what I want and change my life.

I don’t know how I can bear the thought of my dad being my dad. Until now I still can’t accept it. That’s not what I want to put up with for the rest of my life. What on earth am I going to do? I don’t even like looking at him, let alone talking to him. This is not what I wanted my life to be like. But if I was rational and mature enough I would be able to take responsibility for what goes wrong in my own family.