January 2011

Post 66

I always get hesitant whenever someone greets me and asks me "how are you?," Okay, i know, i don't have a whole lot of friends let alone people asking me how i'm doing. I try to be honest, but it's hard. I want my life to seem normal, perfect even. But it never works. I'm so transparent and people always see through me. I want to pretend that everything about me is normal, but my life is in such a huge mess, especially right now. How can I even begin to say that i'm doing alright? I'm unemployed, living with my parents, my reckless driving has landed me in so many car accidents, my mom has been depressed for years, my dad even said himself that he resents my attitude, the house is a complete mess, i always get headaches, i sleep too much, i'm not eating right, i haven't did any form of exercise in years, i'm a bad older brother to my siblings. I know that pretending to be okay when i'm not isn't going to help me, but i want to help myself in small, manageable steps that I can take without feeling overwhelmed. What I really need is people who really sincerely care about me. Fake superficial insincere people have been a problem to me my whole life. You'd think that being shut-in, I wouldn't be around anyone, and even i myself am surprised. Fake smiles, feigning concern, and worse, fake apologies. I guess I should know, i'm actually like that too. I know, that I have to face the real world, this isn't some island paradise escape where i'm the only person in the world and I don't have to care about other people cause we all know we were all put on this earth together to love and help each other. I don't know, it's just so hard for me to have to face people because I don't want to be around people I can't trust. I feel like everyone was pulled away from me. By social stigma, pretentiousness, being status-conscious. I don't want to be someone who wrecks everything I touch. I need to find the courage and strength to prove it.

Post 65

I don't know the correct term, but I often hear it referred to as Lunar New Year. It's that time of year again! Let's enjoy the sales, festive music, and see if this is finally your year of luck, prosperity and good fortune. Unfortunately, I don't look good in red, but if there's one person who does, it must be my adorable cousin. Vanessa was amazing in her performance! She's so pretty, just lights up the stage, and overall so captivating, I was so lucky to get to watch. It's what magnificent reunion dinners are made of. I'd have uploaded a video, but my connection is slow. It's been almost a week since I last drove. A car. It's nice. I'm so free, no obligation to have to be somewhere, to send or fetch anyone. I feel so relaxed. I don't even have to see the car sitting there anymore. I think I don't have nightmares about the car accidents that I had anymore. I don't know when I'll ever try to drive again, not really looking forward to it. Being a bad driver is so not nice. I've been struggling with the issue of driving, I don't know how do I live with myself after having caused so many car accidents. To think that they were all stationary objects. And those were the ones I know of. Like, imagine later, when I have to drive again, and then I have moving objects to deal with. All this time I was lucky enough that they have the good sense to avoid me, but I think it's only a matter of time. I try not to do anything dangerous that other drivers have to swerve away to avoid. I even get mixed up referring to other people on the road as cars instead of drivers. But drivers are the employed ones, so should I say road users? Or motorists? When I finished Overnight Socialite I was a bit disappointed. Eloise dumped Trip, and although Lucy seemingly forgave Wyatt, their last moment was him leaving her show. There're a lot of vague things, like how Lucy was able to get to know anyone other than Max, Parker, and Theo, since after all, all she ever does was stick to Eloise, which kind of irritated me. Maybe I should write more about this next time? I don't know, I was really pleased with most chapters, but i'm still left with this feeling of why did I buy that book?

Post 64

The reason I ask all users to register with my blog before you can comment is because of spam. There's a lot of spam out here in cyberspace, and I hate having to sift through all that rubbish! So if you registered, and I accidentally deleted your registration because I somehow thought the e-mail was a bogus e-mail, then i'm sorry. But feel free to contact me at azreen@myself.com. My younger sister's laptop is finally fixed. It's super quiet now! The fan and heatsync was repaired, and she got a new charger. The Dell guy said that every year you have to clean your laptop, so I guess mine must have a whole lot of dust in it, since it's gonna be a year old soon. God, I don't want to think about me also being another year older. So I was thinking about how sometimes in your life, there are people who tend to make their every miniscule problem your personal responsibility. I'm not just talking about how incompetent someone can be. I'm talking about that feeling that you get when you feel like you're having ten things dumped on you at once by not necessarily as many people. I'm not referring to anything specifically, i'm just more or less recalling one incident where a teacher wanted the class seating arrangement to be changed on the same day, holding me responsible. It was just really interesting to me that everyone seemed to have their own qualms and preferences while I had to get something done, and they seemed oblivious to how serious it was even though they knew I had to get it done that same period or else that teacher was going to, well, I don't know. Everyone always gets thrown into the role of having to mother everyone into doing what they have to do. I myself think that it's easy for you to be either one; with outcome-based focus, or discussing excruciating minutiae ignoring pressing matters at hand. I know I don't sound terribly smart with all of this. It just really got me thinking. I look at my sisters who are very driven and show good leadership, always cutting through unnecessary details getting things done quickly. I always had my older sister to look to, and even think for me. It's true that I hid away from chances and opportunities, preventing myself from gaining new experiences and growing more as an individual. It's my own fault for being too scared. My sisters weren't without fear, but they just knew what was worth the toil, and became better because of it. It saddens me to think of how kids can end up having to grow up a lot more or sooner than they have to. I know this all sounds like me feigning any semblance of public concern or compassion, but it just happens to be something that i've thought about my whole life, and i think encompasses a lot of things. Who's to say I don't have a heart? Judge all you want, but only god knows whether or not i'm truly a good person. I have to try to be a person who derives joy from simple things, since most people lose their sense of wonder as they grow older. Dad, you have three astro boxes, a big comfy sofa just for your bedroom, next to your king size bed for only yourself to sleep on, and a big empty house to store it all in! Good for you! Read More »Post 64

Post 63

So I finally went out and bought Overnight Socialite by Bridie Clark, and so far I really love it. It's so amazing how all-encompassing an anthropological perspective can be. Since Aniza's piano lesson was at Yamaha Parade this morning, my sister took me to MPH during to look for my book, and while I was there I considered LA Candy which I always said that I wanted so much, but I was disappointed at how spaced out the print was! Also, it's very expensive so I thought I would wait till next time. I'm so behind, I haven't read LA Candy and I still have Sweet Little Lies to read. On another note, I really want to watch Pretty Little Liars. I wasn't that impressed with one episode that I wasn't fully able to understand/follow, but it seemed juicy. Time for another wish list! I can't believe how indulgent i'm being.
  • Fallen Lauren Kate
  • Torment A Fallen Novel Lauren Kate
Yes, the same series, what a list, i know. I don't know when i'll ever get started on those but I hope I get the chance to one day. I shouldn't be doing this. Being indulgent is one of the main things I (and we all) hate about my dad. All the lounging about, excessive sleeping, decadent food. It all screams elitist and hedonistic. I can't believe i'm an equally vapid and ostentatious brat who is desperate for any kind of unnecessary luxury. I never imagined I would end up this bad. Me, sinking as low as my dad, into further depths of depravity. I hate that I succumb so much to things like tv, music, expensive food. I have absolutely no self-control and it's really humiliating. Today, my sister made chocolate tart, and I had one slice after lunch and two slices after dinner. Besides how overly forbearing i am with my cravings, I clearly have to curb my addiction to caffeine! I asked my mom something that I never even thought of talking about with her -- her first date. She herself was surprised that a) i'm only asking her now and b) she never felt the need to tell anyone herself. Well, she was sixteen, and she wore  a short-sleeved top with a l0ng skirt, and it was dinner at a steakhouse and a movie. Okay, I have to think of more questions to ask my mom about her life omfg! I mean, I know a lot of people who have a lot of stuff to say about their lives but are no longer as lucid as they used to be. Actually, i'm no longer as lucid as i used to (or am supposed to) be.    Read More »Post 63