I always get hesitant whenever someone greets me and asks me “how are you?,”
Okay, i know, i don’t have a whole lot of friends let alone people asking me how i’m doing. I try to be honest, but it’s hard. I want my life to seem normal, perfect even. But it never works. I’m so transparent and people always see through me. I want to pretend that everything about me is normal, but my life is in such a huge mess, especially right now. How can I even begin to say that i’m doing alright? I’m unemployed, living with my parents, my reckless driving has landed me in so many car accidents, my mom has been depressed for years, my dad even said himself that he resents my attitude, the house is a complete mess, i always get headaches, i sleep too much, i’m not eating right, i haven’t did any form of exercise in years, i’m a bad older brother to my siblings.
I know that pretending to be okay when i’m not isn’t going to help me, but i want to help myself in small, manageable steps that I can take without feeling overwhelmed.
What I really need is people who really sincerely care about me. Fake superficial insincere people have been a problem to me my whole life. You’d think that being shut-in, I wouldn’t be around anyone, and even i myself am surprised. Fake smiles, feigning concern, and worse, fake apologies. I guess I should know, i’m actually like that too. I know, that I have to face the real world, this isn’t some island paradise escape where i’m the only person in the world and I don’t have to care about other people cause we all know we were all put on this earth together to love and help each other. I don’t know, it’s just so hard for me to have to face people because I don’t want to be around people I can’t trust. I feel like everyone was pulled away from me. By social stigma, pretentiousness, being status-conscious.
I don’t want to be someone who wrecks everything I touch. I need to find the courage and strength to prove it.