Post 34

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 28-07-2010

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Yay! I remembered to take out the garbage! Just now I asked aloud to my brother what he’ll have at school today, and I even asked again if he really is only coming home at 6:00 pm, and on top of that I asked him if he’ll be able to make the full day since it seemed really heavy. I made sure to ask right in front of my dad, but still he didn’t get it. He just assumes that my brother’s lunch will just buy itself. That’s just cold. There is no parent on earth who’d deliberately get out of giving his own 12 year old son some lunch money for one day. And then if he doesn’t get to eat we never hear the end of it.

On Sunday, my mom asked my what was my honest take on the whole abolishment of major school exams in our country. After my mom pushed aside my ambiguous front answers, she got me to tell the truth, and I said that I think everything’s perfectly fine the way it is. And my mom said that i’m old-thinking and not progressive. Does anyone see any role-reversals here? I was quite adamant in stating that parents shouldn’t complain about how school kids are exam oriented, they should raise their kids to be however they should be. Welcome to the third world, parents. I said to my mom, that having so many schools provided for the many many school kids in the country is something so precious. It’s something we’re so lucky to have, and it really is a privilege to be able to go school-shopping especially if you live in USJ. Still, that’s not enough for the parents. They want everything to be like this or like that. Cause it’s so easy to restructure the whole education system to the way you want it. It’s funny to me that all these parents knew what was going on in school sin our country — they attended them themselves. Yet, only now that they’re parents do they realise that they want to speak out about it.

Where were they all those years before they had kids, or before their kids went to school? I certainly hope you had a plan for your life, you and your spouse must have talked about what you want the future of your family to be; how you want to raise your kids, and which school you want them to go to. And only now you’re so worried about schools supposedly making kids exam-oriented?

Those kids go home from school every day, I certainly don’t think that learning stops once you leave the classroom. Every parent has a chance to talk to their kid, and impart whatever wisdom they wish to their kids. Your kids are living with you after all, don’t tell me you don’t have time to tell your kid anything. Work can drag on for hours and there’s the commute, everyone knows that, but you know that you have to manage your life and your time. What little you have left you can still use it for parenting. Your kids may come home from school saying that there’s so much emphasis on exams and it’s so life-or-death, but you can raise them to rise to the challenge and more. Is it really any wonder that kids feel that they should just exam-prep exam-prep when their parents are just work-work-work?

No one is forcing you to send your kids to these schools! If you want to whine and moan so much about teachers and teaching take it to someone who listens! There are plenty of options for you, but instead you want the education system to do your parenting for you. Oh boo hoo, it’s all school’s fault that my kids are not well-rounded. You can raise them to be well-rounded! Oh yes, that would require you to raise them, wouldn’t you?

How do you know what goes into the whole teaching-learning process? Teachers don’t just sit around writing lesson plans, they’re marking homework and coursework, and that’s not just for one class, or one form. Every teacher takes at least 3 forms or 3 standard. And that’s just for one subject! Then there’s the administrative work. There’s extra curriculars. And after school there’s those meetings that the principal insists on dragging out really long to scream at them. Then the students already have coursework to do, even though there’re major exams. PEKA, oral, and history paper. One big one is Add Maths project for which most kids have to download a whole software to generate the complex equations required. All of this coursework keep a lot of kids on the computer for hours on end. Definitely not something you can pull a one-nighter on. Moral there’s kerja amal, agama there’s PAFA and maybe something else I can’t remember. See? Kids still do other stuff than just study to the exam. But are the parents even aware of this? They don’t know, they don’t care how hard it is to complete all that. And if the teacher says it’s not accurate, you have to do the whole thing again until it’s correct, since there’s only pass or fail for coursework. Wrong or right.

Post 33

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 27-07-2010

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Yesterday I sent my younger sister to Holiday Villa for her music exam. I thought that i’d be quick enough to get home by 1:15 after picking up my brother from school but I was clearly wrong. Interestingly enough, I was still able to get a good waiting spot even though I left the house as late as 12:35, and then after waiting until 1:10pm I somehow impulsively got out of the car and tried to look for my brother, but he actually just got to the car and had to tell me that I just missed him. Anyway, luckily I was still near the car.

By the time I got home it was 1:30, and I didn’t even bring any water for my sister. The reason we were supposed to leave the house at 1:15 was because she needed to be at the exam venue at least 30 minutes before the time of her exam. So, I was in a mad rush, her performance was clearly affected, but we had to go on, so she just sucked it up and tried to stay positive. We arrived at Holiday Villa at 1:45 and by the time we took the lift up it was about 1:50, but thankfully she was still able to register. I didn’t like that there were so many mosquitoes in the waiting room — clearly it wasn’t meant to be a waiting room for candidates, but my sister was totally calm, trying to concentrate and focus her energy. How can there be mosquitoes inside the hotel anyway? No wonder the other candidate didn’t really sit down and the next one that came sat in a different part of the hotel. As far as I know, it’s an honour if your hotel was asked to host an ABRSM music exam. Management must think there’re more important things. Read the rest of this entry »

Post 32

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 25-07-2010

0

Today I woke up aching and my face felt so swollen. None of us woke up early enough to follow Aniza to parade for her piano lesson. I made everyone have lunch at Coffee Bean, but I forgot to bring Adila’s camera, so no pictures. Aniza was stuck with my Dad for lunch at Delifrance. When my dad got home from Delifrance he was all so excited that my youngest sister got a distinction for ABRSM grade 2 theory. I made a sarcastic comment about he helped her with intervals, rests, note groupings, and all the theory drills. And I even said that my younger sister is already grade 7 but never once got a distinction. He still didn’t get it! My mom even said that of course she has, and that even I have some. Clearly, she’s the one playing the pieces, not you, so that means its not your music career — it’s hers! It has nothing to do with you!

After that, we set off for grandpa’s house, and then later went to Melissa’s house! Omg it was raining so heavily, and I couldn’t believe I had the chance to see Melissa Kyra Keesha and Adam again — they were so beautiful, even more beautiful than I remembered omg. Then, my sister had to go back to JB, on the way to the bus station we ate at a highway McD. I’m still not pleased that :

a) My Dad didn’t give my sister any money, yet expected her to come back to KL more often.
b) My sister still has to go back and forth by bus, which isn’t ideal enough for me.

Also, my Dad hugged my sister. Because he’s such a wonderful caring parent, always so concerned about her health and well-being; having been there for every doctor’s appoiontment, orthodontists’ appointment, driving lesson, report-card. I made so many sarcastic comments but he still didn’t get it. I suppose he honestly thinks that i’m nothing to her cause i’m just her brother. Why would she want to hug me goodbye, right? We don’t have a relationship, oh no. He does with her simply because he happens to be biologically related to her. Nevermind all those times he shouted at her and sweared at her.

I feel really sick, my whole body is still aching, and i don’t have a temperature but I think I have chills.

Post 31

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 24-07-2010

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My dad said that his company wants to post him in Jakarta. He told me that he doesn’t want to go cause he won’t be able to see us often. The man who considers parenting his oldest daughter as just a hug every time she comes into town and just saying take care. Sending kids to ballet or piano is such a chore to him. And he’s telling me that he doesn’t want to ‘not see us often’. I wish he’d go. That way I can continue to live at home and I can be happy. Actually for a long time, I knew that if I got a job and moved out of the house everything would be solved. But I don’t want to be the one who leaves. I’m selfish. But one day, I will move out, so that’s a compromise. Read the rest of this entry »

Post 30

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 23-07-2010

14

So yesterday I was going through my dad’s eMac to take out all of my psds, and i spent more than an hour going back and forth between my laptop and his computer cause my thumbdrive is only 125MB. Yea, I bought it about 6 years ago, ancient I know. Anyway, on the eMac the file icons have the preview of what the image content looks like, so it’s easy for me to pick and choose what to open, but on this Dell, everything has the some photoshop logo. Why is windows like that? I thought that when I was on my sister’s windows-vista I didn’t have this problem. Now I have to open every file one by one until I get the one I want, since that’s the only way to know what’s inside. I could name the files, but that would be so many names — I still won’t remember what’s inside or how it corresponds to what’s inside. Gawd. So anyway, that eMac has like 20.3 GB available space but it’s still really slow. There’s so much more of my stuff on that computer that I need to delete but they’re all actually just text files, word documents, spreadsheets, and powerpoints. There’s an iPhoto Library under my account but it’s just the same pictures as in my dad’s account so I can just delete that whole album straight away. But still, I don’t think my files are the bulk of what’s taking up so much space on his computer. He keeps downloading like divx player and stuff like that, I mean I don’t add in unnecessary applications like that. I had transmit for ftp, and I deleted that since it was a trial anyway. I deleted acquisition since my sister got a laptop, and photoshop of course you have to leave it there since it’s so useful. My account on that computer takes up about 4.5GB, and I don’t think it’s that bad. I’ve deleted all my music and all my wallpapers.

My dad called the house yesterday and since I was unfortunate enough to pick up, he decided to make me the one to have to tell everyone the bad news — they’re coming to spray the house! And it’s today. Omg how will I ever clean up everything?! I made sure there’s no food out, and that clothes are in cupboards and drawers, and I put away any out-in-the-open pharmaceuticals, but still I have to pull the furniture away from the walls. I hate this so much. Everything is going to reek of insecticide. I hate this I hate this I hate this!!!

Post 29

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 22-07-2010

15

I played games on disneychannel.com almost the whole day yesterday. I really like them cause everything looks so bright cheerful and pretty, and it’s fun! It’s just so great that you can play a game just by entering a URL, no downloading needed. I’ve particularly been playing Emperor’s Mad Dash. I also really like Rufus Snow Ride. I keep losing at both but I keep clicking ‘play again’ ! I really don’t want to play Solitaire or Minesweeper anymore — so muak already.

Yesterday evening I realised that there was a cut on my foot, and I couldn’t really figure out what I could’ve possibly stepped on. Later it was time to send Adila to music class, so I just completely forgot to band-aid it and just walked around parade in a weird way. I guess it was worth the pain since I love parade so much. Not like I went shopping anyway — I just went to buy correction tape cause Adila ran out, and that took up a lot of time cause I was wandering around not knowing where to look for what I want. It’s funny that I go to parade so much and I still don’t know where everything is.

And I finally fixed the dates on my blog — took me long enough to get around to doing it! I don’t think there’s anything else that’s wrong here.

Post 28

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 21-07-2010

15

Sunday night Aniza had piano class at 7pm, so the whole family went to parade, and then after dropping off Aniza, we stood outside The Chicken Rice Shop to wait for a table. Adila needed to buka puasa and it was already getting late, and, without realising it, I was wasting time standing there when I could’ve gone to the watch shop right across to replace batteries for my Nike watch that my mom bought for me three years ago. So anyway, after Aniza comes downstairs and we all finish eating and everything, we passed by Love It which inspired some wardrobe ideas, went to Parkson to look for a birthday present for Adila’s friend, and then went to Cold Storage. We were about to leave when I finally realised that the person at Time2Time said pick it up after 20 minutes — it’s already been over 2 hours! I rushed there, made a hissy fit about not being able to charge it to my mom’s card, and then met everyone at the car. Yay! I think I much prefer wearing this watch even though the canvas isn’t really that breathable I don’t know why.

So, here’s a look at my workspace from a few days ago. I just like to be excessively proud of the things I make.

Post 27

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 19-07-2010

16

I can’t watch How I Met Your Mother because my mom changed the channel to watch Parkinson.

I just want to say, that I feel really bad that you are with an ugly hag. You’re a good person, and you should be happy. I wish she wasn’t holding you captive and just dragging you around as an accessory. I’m sure you’d know that ripe, fresh meat tastes so much better. She’s just trash.

Please go to Superior Pics, Brusheezy, and KisukiNet for brushes and screen captures.

Post 26

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 15-07-2010

8

I don’t care if it’s your 1 year or 10 year anniversary with him. He doesn’t love you! You just represent the idea of a fairytale romance that breaks all boundaries. There’s plenty of gorgeous fresh young meat to go around. And they’re not witches. In fact, I’ll wait 50 years if I have to, but eventually he’ll realize that there’s more for him in life, and you’ll get what you deserve.

I think eventually pretending to like people at parties will just wear me out. I don’t know why I risk going anywhere near people that I really hate. I know that i’m allowed to live my own life, and even if I don’t associate myself with people who’re friends with people I hate, I can still be surrounded by lots of people. It may be a small world, but it’s not so small that I have to settle for fake friends who don’t care about me. Even if I do end up alone, who cares? I’d rather be by myself than pretend to like people just for the sake of having company. Is this some kind of school field trip or something? We don’t just follow people around wherever they go.

Post 25

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 13-07-2010

12

Azreen : Mom, I don’t want to tell Dad that i’m following everyone to Kuantan.

Mom: Then don’t.

Azreen: He keeps coming up to me asking me if i’m going. I mean, I really wanna go with everyone else but not if he’s coming too.

Mom: Just say you don’t know.

Okay the thing is that my younger sister, Adila, told me that I have a chance to be friends with my mom. And well, if you think about it, she’s my mom, so it shouldn’t be a problem. Well, everything was fine and then suddenly we got torn apart. I don’t mean to sound so dramatic about it, it’s just that since I’m not my older sister, Alina, i’m inadequate as a living being, so my mom would naturally prefer someone else my age to believe what they say / call her own. I don’t blame her for dismissing everything I say as overreacting, there is a huge difference between me and my sister. But then when someone comes into my home life and tries to turn everything their way, i’m left helpless. Especially when my siblings conveniently all have reasons to not be able to be on my side. I’m not trying to win a popularity contest — I just wish people would go chase their superficial goals and climbs their social ladders without implicating me.

Anyway, my Dad called just now and asked me (for the millionth time) whether or not I’m going to Kuantan. I told him that I don’t know. Then he pitied himself for having to leave for I don’t know where for a business trip without anyone at home to see him off into the cab, complaining that he didn’t bring the remote control and that he hopes he has the correct key for the gate. Then he badgered me again about whether or not I’m going to Kuantan. I just said I don’t know, if [my mom] forces me to go, then I have to go. And then he said that he heard the Hyatt there is really nice, and then I just said okay, but I didn’t think to tell him that no one’s going to be able to afford to stay there. He’s so annoying. He said that if i’m not going then he won’t either, but if i’m going then he’ll go on saturday morning. Who invited him, right? He even told me to tell everyone not to go in the water at the beach because of the strong undercurrents and people always drown there. As if he cares!

Well, this image was supposed to be for post 20, but I only made it so much later. Please visit So Selena for more Selena photoshoots. You know she told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show that Logan Lerman is the next big thing? And then Bonnie Hunt told Logan Lerman to ask her out. These people have got talk show hosts setting them up for dates. Anyway, I think that I shouldn’t go to Kuantan cause my dad will be there anyway, and I can’t stay home for the weekend cause my dad’ll stay with me if I do. So I’ll have to go to Thailand like Miranda did. Does anyone watch that show?

Post 24

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 10-07-2010

17

I took another try at making something for the ancient orchids contest even though the contest is closed, I just thought that I should do something to show myself what I can do.  Indeed the colour scheme and overall look is kind of tacky and not-in-a-good-way-retro. Well, I don’t know why I was so pleased with it anyway. Hopefully I will be able to build upon this in the future, but i’m actually looking for a technique I can call my own.

Post 23

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 10-07-2010

19

I really wonder if I go through life just blissfully unaware. People more recondite always fascinated me, I look up to their strong beliefs about humanity and modern society, how they mourn the tragic fall of mankind, how we had so much promise and potential but, in the end, sabotaged ourselves and became victims of our own natures. When I contemplate my fate, I think about whether or not I would end up being cut off from the rest of the world, from the rest of humanity, in darkness, having suffered fighting, bloodshed, and pain, but, through faith maybe mankind could steal the chance for new lives, for redemption to become a promising race once again. When I was in school and teachers told me that death is not the answer, that just really interested me because death is the only certain thing about life. I always thought about how everyone seems to be so happy coincidentally only during the times when i’m not there. If I say that I have no place in this world, could it be that instead I just haven’t found it yet? I really doubt that there are people like me in this world. Except my dad. I’ve been trying to be a better person my whole life. After all of these years, and still no progress, the idea of me being a person worth getting to know is seeming more and more narcissistic every second.

Yesterday I entered a header contest at Ancient Orchids. Here’s my entry. As you can see, it’s not something one would submit with the expectation of winning, but I thought I’d just give it a try since I used to enjoy making banners and stuff. Now, it just feels like a lot of work, plus it ended up completely not what I was aiming for. I’m just pleased that I finished something.

Post 21

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 05-07-2010

1

It’s like hearing gurgling babies at a funeral. There’s nothing like the uplifting sound of an innocent child being happy, but when something so awful has happened, it just suddenly doesn’t seem right to enjoy the brightness and joy of the world. I feel like I just live in intervals of ups and downs, and it’s so humiliating because i’m supposed to be in control and have control over what goes on in my life, but somehow when I least expect it I turn around and something falls completely apart. What’s the use of enjoying happy moments when you know that it’s just an interval before more turmoil. I’m sick of living my life from one conflict to another.

It’s not like I purposely like the things that I like — that’s just how I feel about them. I never wanted to not be able to like travelling and going on holidays like everyone else, but that’s just not me. Party after party, my life just feels out of perspective after that. I don’t know. I’m looking for something else, but I don’t exactly know what it is. I just don’t want to always feel humiliated trying to chase after something that people think is a waste of time.

Post 20

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 04-07-2010

8

You make yourself look perfect in every way

So when this goes down i’m the one who will be blamed

Your plan is working so you can just walk away

I never realised how two-faced I was until I experienced someone doing the exact same thing to me. It’s ironic how some people can complain about someone and yet still be sycophant to them. Obviously I have nothing, and even the friends I do have wouldn’t be able to help me when i’m up against someone of higher rank and stature.

I can tell what’s going on this time

There’s a stranger in my life

If they always like to behave a certain way only to me while seeming so nice to everyone else, i’m clearly not the reason their reputation is at stake — you don’t have to come near me if you don’t want to, you don’t have to hang out nearby me if you don’t want to, someone can hear you saying something callous to me, it’s your own fault.

You walk and talk like your some new sensation
You move in circles you don’t need an invitation
You spend your money you can’t get no satisfaction
You play it right so you can get the right reaction

I know who I am, and I don’t see any point in climbing the social ladder if I clearly don’t fit at any point on it. I don’t see why I would need so much attention from people, or why I need to be liked about by others or seen as acceptable to everyone. It’s just not possible to please everyone, and everyone has their right to choose their own friends anyway. I don’t need to do the same thing that everyone else is doing, I don’t need to go to the places everyone else goes. I have to make my own decisions about my own life, it shouldn’t be based on the critical reception I receive. If you think I’m wasting my life doing something lame, then don’t waste your memory space knowing about it. Don’t waste your time pitying me for not being popular, you don’t care about my life anyway.

I don’t want to be friends with someone if they just want me to be their posse. I don’t want to pretend to like other people just so that I can perpetuate some kind of idea about me being a well-liked socially acceptable person. I don’t really care about my reputation because I decide what kind of person I should be — it’s up to me. You can go around saying that I’m weird for having a different opinion about things or ‘saying what I think’ — really, I wouldn’t be surprised, millions of other people have said bad things about me and I’m sure you’re all in the same club doing all those cool things that i’m too pathetic to know how to do.

What’s out of place when you look into the mirror
The truth is blurry but the lies are getting clearer
Your eyes are fixed, your smile is so elastic
he gave me roses but they’re all just made of plastic

I just don’t feel that I have to exhibit everything about my life to everyone. I don’t need affirmation from other people about anything in my life. Everyday I wake up and put on an outfit that I don’t really like, and I just toss my hair in whatever way seems somewhat amusing and that’s enough for me. I know that I don’t look cute or now but I don’t really care. There are bad things in my life, I have problems, but there are also happy moments, all of which are mine to experience. I don’t need to make my life a display for everyone to acknowledge whether or not i’m ‘keeping up’. Approve of me, don’t approve of me, it’s still my life and i’m the one who’ll have to live it. Even if I don’t show off everything about me to the world, people will still say what they want, people talk, and i’m used to it, I expect that much, cause I know those people are not my friends and they don’t know me. And it’s probably not worth it for me to know them either.

Smile for the camera everybody’s looking at you
Smile for the camera ’cause there all about to trash you
Smile for the camera, camera, camera
Smile for the camera, who’s gonna catch ya

I smile perfectly for the camera as if i’m so happy, as if there’s nothing wrong in my life. Small talk and eager conversation as if there isn’t something weighing on me, or that there’s something I should have done but haven’t. I makes no sense for me to pretend like everything’s going so great.


Post 19

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 03-07-2010

10

I guess it’s better to keep your opinions to yourself, but I don’t think I do or necessarily should regret speaking my opinion because when someone asks I don’t want to be like “umm I don’t know,” because it’s as if i’m trying to please everyone and you can’t please everyone and i’m sure what i’m saying now will not please everyone but everyone feels a certain way about something and people shouldn’t apologize for feeling a certain way about something or believing in the things you believe in because that makes you who you are. As long as you’re not forcing your opinions on someone else, it’s not wrong to speak your opinion.

I just think that I know who I am, and if you don’t know who you are then people will try to make you into the person that they want you to be and you end up not becoming the person you are supposed to be or the person you want to be.

There are people everywhere and each one is different, so it’s unrealistic for you to think that everyone would like you. If you want to meet new people or make a connection with people you have to be able to individually reach out to them and try to experience what they experience. If you say that you want to meet new people and try new things, it wouldn’t necessarily be correct for you to selectively talk to people who do things that you’re interested in only. If you say you want to have fun, then it’s a different story.

Post 18

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 02-07-2010

11

11:30 am

1:00 pm

I was trying to tidy up, but actually i made it worse.