07 Aug 2008
People have better things to do than to be so concerned about every single thing I do. I made a mistake. But I guess sorry doesn't cut it.
Why do you care so much, Azreen? It's all in your head -- paranoia. You keep pitying yourself, always so full of self-loathing and bitterness. You can't expect someone to come comfort you all the time. Get some guts and stop being so insecure. You're only making your own life harder and more complicated. You always had the freedom to do what you want. You're the one who's too scared to go out and get it.
Person 1 : I thought that you moved on, are a different person, all changed and mature and grown-up and all that. Yet, here you are. Still. Turning up here like you never said all those disrespectful things about this place. You think we don't remember how you acted like you were too good for this place, for it's people, for us? What happened to your little dream?
Person 2 : Oh, I guess I failed.
Person 1 : It must feel terrible to always be so self-conscious and left out. Just admit that you're wrong, and not better than us. Let us dictate your style, perception, and choices. You feel bad about yourself already, so what's the difference if you just come back to us?
Person 2 : But, I can still live my life without being confined to what society deems appropriate. I know that if I believe in myself, I can be independent.
Person 1 : Sure, sure. You keep on saying all that, but I'm still waiting to see you make something of yourself. You're still as weak as you always were.
Person 2 : (doesn't know what to say)
I always said that you don't have to be smart to be brave, yet I was always the one shying away from taking chances. I claimed so much to be open to news ideas, but I didn't want to try any of those new things. I didn't think I would get myself into so much trouble. People would forgive me if I was a whore, but I certainly can't expect them to forgive me if I lie about it afterwards. I can't run away from everything I did. But I'm too scared to go back. I wish I didn't say all the mean things I did, only because I'm too scared to own up to it.
12 Jul 2008
If I keep telling myself that I am a good person, if I keep convincing myself that I am capable of being a good friend, then that makes it true. If I am persistent in convincing myself that I am a delight to be around, then other people will believe it too. If I believe in myself; whereby every morning when I wake up I repeatedly say aloud to myself that I can go out into the world and meet people, tell them about myself, share my thoughts and have a conversation; then I won't be alienated, ostracized, and critisized. If I have opinions on things, I do not have to be ashamed because people will still accept me as long as my opinions are somewhat decent. I don't have to care what other people think (as long as I'm doing whatever they're telling me to).
"Azreen, you're so self-involved, self-absorbed, and self-pitying. That's all just rubbish that you made up. No one is going to critisize you for anything because they don't even care what you do or how you live your life. And that's if they at all notice. The world does not revolve around you,"
"Who do you think you are? You're not better than any of us. You think you're too good to even talk to any of us, but the truth is none of us are even interested in you. We just pity you, that's all. Poor, pitiful Azreen. It's sad and pathetic how you live in your own little imaginary world, oblivious to everyone and everything else, the only place where you're so innocent and perfect. As if you've never done anything wrong. You've wronged every one of us and the most obnoxious way possible, and you're so desperate to erase the guilt out of your mind. You're all alone there, cause that's the only place you belong, and only you belong in that place,"
"You haven't moved forward in your life at all. You're still the same failure you always were, too spoilt to make something of yourself. Why do you think someone is going to come comfort you and take care of you? Look at you Azreen, acting so insecure like he doesn't have confidence to do anything. The reason you don't believe in yourself is because you just don't want to make the effort to do anything with your life. That's why it's non-existant,"
I haven't deleted the spam yet. Or made my commenting rounds.
18 Jun 2008
Is it really true that there are different sides to everyone? Or do you just suddenly change in certain situations?
When someone is friendly, uplifting and rambunctious one minute, and then closed, morose and solemn the next, is it really just mood swings? Cause it seems pretty drastic. I guess someone would just say bipolar.
I never really understood how people can be so indirect about their feelings and intentions. Body language is absolutely impossible to read. Except in my case, you can definitely know how I'm feeling or even what I'm thinking simply from the way I move. That's why i'm always so nervously hoping against hope that I can pass off each one of my pathetic lies. Oh god, I still have a long way to go in terms of working on how often I do that.
I'm sure there are plenty of good people who made mistakes. And sometimes you're just in a bad situation. Things just happen, and not everyone can know exactly what to do right away. Though I think it never really is anyone's fault. People, especially those pious ones who say that all bad is ultimately caused by humans, would definitely disagree. I should be able to act on my own judgement, but just knowing that i'll be scrutinized and critisized later, I panic about what is seen right by society. I thought I don't want to please everyone, but I don't know.
11 Jun 2008
Doesn't everyone have some kind of obsession or addiction? Isn't everyone killing themselves slowly in one way or another? If it isn't eating too much, it's eating none at all. Some people drink dangerous amounts, some smoke. There's all sorts of risks in anything you do, and knowing what could happen, sometimes you take higher risks than anyone usually would. People just do things to themselves, for some of them, it actually makes them feel better, and for others, they do it anyway knowing they'll feel awful afterwards.
It really is pointless to be such exhibitionists. It's so much work acting like you're happy and fine with everything. That you've been behaving. Why don't you just admit loudly what kind of problem you've been getting yourself into? It's much easier for people to relate. There should be something wrong with everyone. Couch potato, caffeine addict, adrenaline junkie, reckless driver. Don't tell me it's being a perfectionist or a workaholic cause aren't those kind of fake?
Wait, what? There's nothing wrong with you? Let's see : active, eat well, sleep well, you do volunteer work every now and again, your friends always come to your dinner parties not just because of your superior culinary prowess, play one or more instruments, never beat the light, sort your grabage and recycle, and even grow your very own organic source of which a portion is often made a gift to neighbours. This actually only proves i'm right -- some people are perfect and society invidiously compares everyone to this standard.
You have problems alright. People are fighting over you cause everyone wants to be your friend. Oh, what a pinch. Poor you. Don't mind me, i'm struggling so much just to get somewhere remotely close.
08 Jun 2008
Why are you always so bitter, Azreen?
I feel like I've said this a billion times : There are so many things about me that just are the way they are. I just am like this. I don't like being the person that everyone hates and feels disgusted by, but I just don't know how to be like everyone else, as much as I would want to. I look at those girls with envy -- pretty, demure, graceful, top-scorers, giggling about inside jokes with their friends, look impeccably dollish in just MNG-basics or similar elementary wardrobe staples, flawless (heavy on the flawless, seriously it's absolutely perfect and they don't even wear make up) skin, and most importantly, well-liked and accepted/approved by society. Those girls probably don't even need to be pretty anyway. Society (and mainly their parents) will still love them cause they're so polite (and don't have boyfriends, cause they want to concentrate on school and their future), and are not loud and talkative like me. There are more of those girls in the world than you think, you know.
I didn't choose to be this bitter and sardonic. I just have a great tendency to stay at home, sit in my room, stewing in my own hatred for :
a) myself. okay, no it's not like i'm that bad. just a little bit myself. and only sometimes. mostly it's b)
b) the whole world
I know i'm not supposed to compare myself to people like that. I know that nobody's perfect and everyone is different. I know that anything is possible, especially if you put your mind to something. I know that if I try hard enough, and be persistent enough, one day I can be like those people. I know that everyone is unique in their own way. I know that I have my strengths and weaknesses (wait, really? cause I still haven't found any strengths. I certainly can't lift a lot of things. I like my nails though.)
I just still hate people for no reason. I just still say things that are completely influenced by jealousy. In fact, i'm not even that cynical. I'm so sick of hearing all that about believing in yourself, and not giving up on your dreams, and. Okay, there's just too many to mention. I've always wondered if it's for real. It's just so hard to believe.
01 Jun 2008
It was really funny watching Jason Kennedy hosting the Daily Ten with Catt Sadler. Usually when he's on E news Weekend I'd find him annoying or something but he did quite well that day.
I really can't drag myself out of bed. It just feels so hard, sometimes I start to think it may be impossible for me. I've never remembered feeling this tired in the middle of the day.
It's really slow opening a browser, then somehow, it won't let me type in the address I want (my homepage is a blank page) until like a few minutes later, and then after an eternity of loading, to even open a drop-down menu seems to take ages.
23 May 2008
Headache - painful -persistent - going on and on
I have no idea what happened to all the comments. I don't know why the commenting script isn't working. But it's not like anyone ever drops by to comment anyway.
Can't be bothered with the rest of my entry? Feel free to miss out by not clicking Read More.
16 Apr 2008
I don't know where all those comments could've possibly gone. I still don't understand how they could suddenly all disappear. I guess I can't retrieve them.
It's been hard to get time on the computer, and I've been quite sick. For instance, right now I have a headache. But my sore throat's gone.
I guess I feel excited about Gossip Girl's premiere on Malaysian tv next week.
Feel free to miss out by not clicking on Read More.
16 Mar 2008
EDIT 21/3/2008 : Omg! Michelle Trachtenberg is gonna be on Gossip Girl!!
I'm going to mention again that I actually don't get to use the computer whenever I want to. This is shared/household. In fact, I'm probably only going to be using the computer occasionally.
Predictable, recurring themes, similiar colour scheme. The same old techniques. Plain, boring, and unoriginal. Lack of creativity, but most of all, lack of effort. I may not be blogging as much or as often because sometimes I just don't feel up to it. However, when I rotate between the same few outfits, it's not just because I'm not trying to mix and match. It's all I have. I'd like to say "for now" but I doubt I'm going to go and get anything new for myself.
Not going to the Celine Dion concert. I just like to stay home and not do anything. I like to be by myself. I don't really feel like elaborating about the carbon emissions involved in her flight to Malaysia, or any of her other tour locations. Yes, I know, I may never get the chance to see her perform live ever.
Thank you for visiting, thank you for reading this. Thank you for enduring all of this. I'm just talking to no one.
I still can't figure out what happened to all those comments.
14 Mar 2008
Dear Diary,
It's 4:03 PM and Ashraf is watching me type. He's giggling and I feel really annoyed. I wish he would just leave me alone. He really is insulting me by condescendingly hovering over me, as if every single thing I do is supposed to be reported to him. He really does think he can do whatever he wants to me. He thinks that when he comes near me, I don't feel disgusted. He thinks that when he speaks, I don't wish in my heart that he'll just be quiet. He still wouldn't go away. Rather than play with his nintendo DS, he prefers to waste his time disturbing me. All he has to do is go downstairs. He has his fish to take care of, but no, he wants to disturb me instead. He'd much rather spend all of this time disturbing me. He just kicked the keyboard.
12 Mar 2008
It's not easy taking a screenshot, saving it, and uploading it. That's my excuse for being so bad at it. Getting a browser open doesn't happen in a jiffy. Sometimes, getting some parts of my blog together is quite a feat. Okay, there's barely anything to my blog anymore. This platform isn't always helping with things. I feel irritated.
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Every single piece that I put on was a disaster. There are times where I feel it's still fun. Sometimes I realize it's stupid cause it seems pointless. I stick to a number for so long because I can't get something better done.
Every one of my failed attempts could be attributed to being closed and lack of effort. I still have a few templates that I made like a year ago. I still haven''t decided whether or not to put them on.
Why are all the comments gone?
06 Feb 2008
It's clear that I've run out of ideas. Usually I'd like to blame lack of inspiration, but that's just the usual excuse. Due to running out of ideas on what excuses to make. So, I'm going to open the usual boring way : My thirtieth entry on this blog.
I'm happy that MTV decided to make Paramore their buzzworthy artist this month. They also added UK Top 10 to their show schedule. And now instead of Pop20, it's Chart Attack, where Denise Keller hosts, and videos are cut short. I only found out about all of this online, though. Kepp missing what i want. It's probably advisable that I abstain awhile. I've watched way too much tv in my lifetime.
Chinese new year didn't turn out as happy as I thought it would be. I was hoping that I could sit in my room and reflect while the rest of my family was out since they would probably have plans. Most people would scold me if I say that I'm stupid to think that some things would turn out well. I agree however, that if I want to make something happen, I have to put in a little, if not a lot of, work. There are lots of people who realise how important it is to unrelentlessly fight all opposition to make your life what you want, cause there's always going to some obstacle. Actually, that's what this counsellor back in school told me. I can't believe I just mentioned school. What a horrible place.
01 Feb 2008
I think while I was busy deleting spam comments, I might've accidentally deleted some non-spam comments. I hope that's not what happened. But I just think I may have done it.
So anyway, there's just a whole lot of spam. I had to delete more than 500. I really hate it. I wish these people or spambots would just leave me alone.
I want to say the past month has been eventful, but now that I look back on it, nothing really changed me. I'm still the same person I was and I still feel the same way I felt. In fact, nothing in the past year has changed me at all. I really feel like I'm still the same person as when I was sixteen. At least I'm not in school anymore. With so many people who live nearby. And know things about me.
It's really sad that the icebergs in Greenland are falling apart. All those big water pools from the glaciers melting. We're in such a mess, and getting ourseleves out seems almost impossible. Sometimes, you're in so much trouble you just don't know what to do. Even if you're not panicking.
09 Jan 2008
Its' my brother's birthday party tomorrow. with the extended family. I just have to mention that Jessica said that I'm deep. Like I have profound thoughts. She said that 2 weeks ago. I opened the January issue of Malaysian Seventeen, and to my horror, discovered that some people that I hate have occupied some pages. New Year's Fashion Resolution. Actually I'm not sure exactly how much it bothers me. Since they're not around, of course I feel fine. But if I saw them like at a mall or something I'd be so consumed with jealousy I'd. I'd. God, I don't know what I'd do. They must've worked hard to get cast for the spread, feature, or photoshoot they wanted. She probably chose not to use the connections and influences she has to get into that issue at all. It's so irrational of me to hate them in the first place. Or be jealous. I just am.
31 Dec 2007
This is my 27th entry. From the dead giveaway that is the manner in which I start my blog entries, you can probably tell that I've run out of ideas. You would also know how long ago that happened.
Thank you Nelson, Ashley, Nicole, and Ellie May for the wonderful comments to my previous entry.
Thank you so much, Misty for the e-mail. Everyone is reviewing their past year. They're talking about everything that's happened this past year, and how they feel about it collectively. They're all ushering in 2008. They seem pretty positive about it, and it's not just because they made lots of good, sweet memories this year.
This wraps up my first year with this blog. I still remember my first post on this blog, which was on new year's day this year. I still do feel envious of other people's enthusiasm and passion for life. All their new year's resolutions. The previous ones they achieved as a result of their hard work, determination, and perseverance. I really feel that nothing about me has changed throughout this year. I'm still the same person I was at the beginning of this year. Now it's coming to an end. I feel like I wasted a whole lot of time. In the past, I was always one of those people who'd go " so another year goes by -- big deal,". I think I'm still like that. I just blindly participate in that countdown, but I don't think it ever really meant anything to me.
19 Dec 2007
My sister saved me by coming home early. Me, at home to handle things for those people. That just never turns out well.
16 Dec 2007
I despise spam. This is my 25th entry. I feel healthy today. I can't even remember what the weather was like. I remember when I used to read a lot. It was fun, then I fell out of it, and when I wanted to start again, do it as often as I used to, it just didn't feel as good as it used to.
I guess I just don't go out much - I like just living in my own world not knowing what's going on out there. I found this old entry I wrote on a piece of paper that I barely even understand, not because of my handwriting, but because I didn't know what I was thinking of at the time. I may have been in a bad mood. I can go from one mood to another pretty quickly and pretty often. I think that's another sign of bad health -- I'm taking such horrible care of myself. This could very well be the kind of blog post that makes me feel very stupid when I look back on it.
06 Dec 2007
I hate spam I hate spam I hate spam. It's such a chore having to delete all of it. I don't even know if they're people, or those robots/programmes.
Spam shouldn't stop me from changing the layout on my blog. It's tempting to use that stress as an excuse, but the fact is, the amount of spam I get doesn't and shouldn't have anything to do with whether or not I can come up with another layout for my blog. It's something I used to love doing all the time. I actually have some I already made from last year, but I really wanted to try and make something completely original and different, especially compared to my past creations. When I go through my psds, everything seems to have the same theme and motif. Which is bad. I've blamed it on a design block for too long. I can't just pass it off as being uninspired. I may have to accept the fact that I can no longer do this designing thing. Or maybe using these terms for this small hobby is just dramatic and exaggerating.
I've gotten so bad at this, I can't even take a screenshot properly. As you would be able to see, my workspace is horrible cause I'm such a slob. I didn't even put in a decent screenshot thumbnail for this post. I don't know what to do with myself. These past few days I've just been staring into space when I'm not eating or sleeping. Something that I've blamed on being out-of-touch for too long.
So that's what this post is all about.
28 Nov 2007
The most popular first-line-for-recent-blog-post with people my school right now. Exams are over. I even blogged when I had exams, so there's no difference. I haven't started work on my new bloglayout yet cause, yes you guessed it, I'm lazy. Yet another post filled with nonsense and typing errors. I'll try to keep it sane, and try to type right.
Plugs to Nicole, Els, Lyn, Ellie May and Pauline not just because they're gorgeous. Thank you also to my fabulous sister for being so fabulous. See, it didn't even bother me that she complained that my blog is unattractive to read and that I should have a searchbar so she can filter through my junk and get to the juicier stuff about her.
I miss Ashley. She's always so open and sweet and friendly.
They were singing along to Helpless When She Smiles, and then I stupidly went "you're helpless when she smells?,"
My cousins are here. And they're having fun. I wanted to find out why they didn't go home when we had that power outage almost all day yesterday. I just forgot. I guess I'm just never clear on any details cause I never really bother that much to find out. Yay! they turned on Hot!
No pictures, unless I get a turn on my sister's computer later since it's her camera so obviously all the pictures go to her computer.
I think to myself about the number of people who take 10 subjects only. It surprises me that I'm not the only lazy one. I woke up super late this morning and my eyes still feel like they can't open wide.
21 Nov 2007
First of all, I despise spam.
Pauline commented. I'm really happy. It's been long since she visited - after all, she is my generous, gracious host and I miss seeing her around here on cyberspace. I forgot to put up a notice about my exams. My last paper finishes at 3.30 p.m. on the 26th of November.
Oh yes, a sister mention. She sends me to and from papers, cooks me lunch, and helps me with topics I don't understand. She lets me use her laptop. Like right now, I'm blogging with her laptop. The microwave isn't working properly. Yesterday, I lost my charger. I found a few bookmarks in my room thrown in my rubbish bin.
24 Oct 2007
I tried to comment a few people who're on blogspot, but it just wouldn't work. I tried a few times, and still error occured.
I spent much of last week just relaxing. I went out to dinner with my cousins on saturday night, and went shopping yesterday with my sister. But nothing that interesting though, didn't take photos or anything like that.
Comment Plugs
This morning it felt really hard to drag myself out of bed. People in this house would attribute that to my nonexistent exercise regime. And bad eating habits.
I hate spam, there's so much of it to delete. It's such a hassle.
No photos or wallpapers in this post.
11 Oct 2007
Eilidith, Ashley, Nicole, and Mei Zhu. What do these very different people have in common? They're all mind-blowingly gorgeous. Not to mention smart, kind, and lovable. Simply exquisite. Some might even say recherchι. You should meet them, they're amazing. They even commented my last entry!
Notice the new layout everyone! What? there's no difference? Because I'm like the most unfashionable outfit repeater who has the creative adeptness of a too commonly-worn pair of polka-dot peek-toe slingback wedges?
So early on in the blog post, and the drama already begins. Don't tell me that you still can't view the new one after hitting refresh a million times?
Anyways, I've got another that I made. Though I doubt anyone would want to see it. But read further anyway cause I say so. No, actually it's because I like the attention.
Tuesday at school, I butt into Kioku and Haru talking about prom ...
21 Sep 2007
Just a short entry, not that there's anyone to dissapoint - I love this freedom. Anyway, I woke up feeling horrible. There was this photo that I was going to upload and post, but after getting some advice against it, I realised that it's far too disgusting to post. The other people in it were beautiful, just that I had a realy stupid pose.
Thank you so much Angela for commenting! See, there are people in this world who are truly amazing.
14 Sep 2007
Plugs to Kit, Angie, Sue, and Munin because they really are fantastic people. And that's not just because they visited/commented. I guess some people are just born with greatness. So please go visit them - they have very nice sites.
A big thanks to Gwen for always being so patient with me, as well a always messaging me very useful, helpful, expensive text messages. So there's another fantastic person, go comment her blog or something. Oh yea! I'm sitting behind Zati!
19 Aug 2007
My cousin told me that everyone's a rebel, because everyone's different. I just love it when she says stuff like that, she's so smart and never fails to amuse me. I really think she's more mature than I am. Gosh, I'm awfully positive, lively, and cheerful today. What could have possibly caused this delightful mood I'm experiencing?
Plugs to Nicole, Ellie, and Ana for visiting. They also happened to be kind enough to comment.
Gosh, I really would love to be able to shop online. If only I could have an extra parent or two - one who'd be willing to let me spend every bit of what they earn. The joy of purchasing off of someone else's credit card is so exquisite. We really should be supplied with at least one cool parent to balance out the one or ones that we don't like. Okay, I just brought up my ungratefulness issue. I don't want to get into that right now. Actually, I'd never want to get into that. I've been avoiding it all my life and I still am.
I really should move towards a more serious discussion. Wait, that was serious, actually. In fact, this brings up my issue of impulsively spilling out loads of fluff. Once upon a time I called it word vomit. But the difference is, it just doesn't stop. Well, not unless someone interrupts me. I think. If I keep on yapping about nothing in particular, it really does say a whole lot about my personality. I'm going out of my mind obviously.
Wait wait, I really should talk about this new design. However, I don't have many details because the whole process really was quite a blur. I was just experimenting with a few things and it just came out like that. It was very unintentional, actually, I didn't quite expect to come up with that. at all. Ohno, now I'm reconsidering it. There wasn't even a specific theme. I didn't even think when I decided on those colours. This isn't even something original - it definitely resembles my previous work. I might as well have not changed layouts then. What a disastrous design. I shouldn't be suprised because I didn't even work that hard on it. Now I just brought up the issue of me being extremely spoilt, incapable of hard work and perseverance.
02 Aug 2007
I get really scared and it bothers me when I study. I'm really scared. The first day of SPM trials is 11th September. It's so hard to balance studying and homework, because for me they're two very different things. Gosh, I really have to prepare for my exams.
I really hope that Riette forgives me for being such a slob and not putting her link up yet. I'm really horrible.
I made a few designs last month, but I just really didn't like any of them. I don't know if I'll ever even be able to come up with anymore at all. My latest design.
19 Jul 2007
I really hate eating my feelings. It doesn't work at all. I mean, maybe at first it's kind of comforting, but later I just feel horrible.
I'm having a really bad design block. I think it's because I'm in a rut. I don't know how to get out of it. I feel so out of touch. I've been sick again, actually, but I think right now I'm all better, and hopefully it stays that way. I had my sleeping pattern all mixed up badly the past few days. I couldn't believe I let it happen, because it was just really bad.
There's this assignment that's really tough, and I'm trying to struggle through it, but I often feel like just giving up. I have to pass it up on Monday, but I haven't even printed it out yet. Hopefully there's enough ink in the printer.
01 Jul 2007
I had this cough that lasted a little over two weeks, but I've finally recovered. I've been feeling really tired though, like I could sleep at absolutely any time. It's my own fault for choosing to be so unfit. No exercise at all, so there goes my immune system and energy levels. But I can be perky when I want to. No, that's a lie. I'm perky even when I don't want to be cause I'm always so talky.
01 Jun 2007
It's been really long since i've designed anything. Actually, the real point of this entry is Gwen's new myspace. I really hate social networking. But whatever, it's acceptable in this case because I'm sure I'm not the only person who'd want more ways to keep in touch with Gwen.
My balance in my phone expired 3 days ago, so I lost like 40 ringgit. And then Hotlink had the nerve to message me today saying that they credited me 3 ringgit. and that I really should top up at least 10 ringgit by 4 June to keep what they gave me. My service cancellation date is 26 July, so why don't you just give it a rest cause i've got a lot more time. Gosh, Hotlink, if i didn't go out to buy a top-up it obviously means that I'm too busy being a hermit. Don't i just love getting that thrown in my face.
Urgh, enough of all this negativity. I almost deleted all of that, but this is a place for my thoughts, so I'm keeping it here. It's good for future reference anyway. Oh god, I must be going nuts.
28 May 2007
School holidays are from 26 May to 10 June. I'm having second thoughts about the class trip. I really don't feel like going. My daily visits are Haru's blog and Gwen's blog. Kioku's blog is not accessible to me because it's private. Her livejournal is private too. Lucky for me though, she's kind enough to tell me anything if i ask her at school. She hasn't been going online that often, so I should follow her example and study more. I do know where Haru's deviant art is, though.
