“it’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love, and then don’t have it? can you survive that type of pain?”
— Alexis Medel (@LEXmarieMEDEL) 20 January 2017
It’s hard to know if everything just seems bad, or it actually is. They say it’s darkest before the dawn. But even if dawn does come, everything that happened remains.
I wish i could recognise that person i used to be. Eager, open, fervent. I wish i could say that everything that I went through made me stronger. They definitely changed things. I’m definitely different. Just not in the way that would help me.
i don’t even know why i’m always tired. probably from holding on to too many things that i should’ve let go a long time ago
— 🌹 (@itsheynuuuh) December 27, 2016
Well, what better time is there to blog? Probably plenty, but i don’t know if any of them will fall into my lap. My blog is here for when the better times escape my reach. Every so often, you declare that you just can’t take it and then desperately try to temporarily not think about the bad things that you did and put everything that’s wrong with you to the side just for a minute. In that calm before the storm, when you’re holding on irrationally to that hope that it would last, you fend off the dread of the next argument. The next fight, the next fallout. Finding out the end of the short interval. Just coil up and shut my eyes tight, as if it would help me brace myself when it inevitably approaches.
Yesterday, my sister took me to brunch at The Coffee Barun and today she took me to Nest Bistro. Everyone fights over her, and wants her attention for themselves, and it makes me wonder what will happen one day when i inevitably won’t get as much quality time with her anymore. What sort of intervals will my life consist of then?
Tomorrow morning will be the Golden Globes. There are already countdowns that have stared. Some people will have things to be excited about. Twitter is gonna blow up with red carpet arrival photos and acceptance speeches. Everyone’s timeline is gonna be so lit. In so much haste, forgetting the underlying question of representation despite being driven in the first place by the hope we attach to it. Another event, and like the others, it’ll pass. And then i realise, it’s just another day after all.
Maybe it’s too early to tell?
I feel like there was never any use believing everyone about everyday being a new day with new possibilities and hope and another chance for things to be better. It’s nothing more than room for more mistakes. New ones in ways i didn’t think possible. And with new mistakes, new ways of feeling humiliated.
Right and wrong, good and bad, calories and kilograms. So many years, and still so uncertain about it all.
A new year doesn’t help you leave everything bad behind. I’m still going to live every day paying for what I did in all the years past. A new year isn’t going to free me from that.
We’re always going to be held to standards, there’s always going to be judgement. I’m still me. I’m always going to be less than. Why would I think that anything would ever change?
I don’t know if there’s anything for me to look back fondly on this past year. I don’t know if i could say that 2016 was a year that I had any instance of being happy. Nonetheless, every year that i bid goodbye to is a loss to mourn. It’s strange. It’s not like there’s nothing I have to look forward to in 2017. There are so many things i’m dreading in 2017. There’s nothing to want. There’s just everything to fear, cowering under the inevitable. Just another year that passes, just another year that i’m that much older, another year my age becomes that much more unforgiving. So many times over, every year, there’s just no answer. No possible way for things to be okay again unless a miracle happens. I’m still a slave to circumstance, just stuck.
I don’t know how much more of it i’m supposed to take. Once again, expected to make the coming year better somehow, without any real way to. Another year draws to a close where nothing panned out for me and it’s all my fault. Another new year’s eve where i feel helpless, but i shouldn’t because it’s irrational and not trying hard enough. There’s nothing left to do but hope that i can at least appear to face it with grace, feign a calm reaction, remain reasonably upright.
I want to wish everyone a happy new year. If i could hold back my jealousy.
I don’t know what will happen, and i believe my doubts are valid. So, no guarantees. We’ll just have to see how i come out of this. And whether it’s gonna be this time around, or the last time ever.
@LiaMarieJohnson sorry that you don’t get discriminated 🙃hurt, bullied, judged by, fake friends! You are truly flawless omfg 2016 MY year 😍
— Zej 🌹 (@FlawlessJackJ) December 30, 2016
Sometimes, everything in your life could look really good, especially on paper. You’re where you want to be, and you’ve found that predictability and normalcy that fulfils your body’s desperate need for healthy routines. But life is funny, in that you could somehow just feel that you’re sitting next to the wrong person, that you feel their smile just isn’t wide enough, your hands never felt quite right together, or their name always sat odd on your tongue when saying it. Sometimes there’s just no exact reason or explanation for what your heart wants, and you find yourself attempting to smile about things the way your friends expect a person who’s so close with their family would.
There’s this thing that i had in the past. This habit, where i would put certain people on a pedestal. Everyone seems to think i have such impossible standards. But the truth is, i really don’t think it takes much to get on my good side. I’m so easily impressed, and if you’ve seen me gush about colleagues or bosses you would even think i’m really naive, easily influenced, and so trusting of people who so much as give one polite commendation. You really could just say you’re a vegetarian, you recycle, support neopronouns, have awareness about marginalised groups, or just know how to use the influence you have for those not as privileged as you; and you’d be on my shortlist. Everyone sometimes does things that are driven by the qualities they wish they had. My motivations just happen to be the things that i don’t like about myself. It’s a complicated thing, when how you feel about yourself affects so much your interactions with people around you.
So anyway, here i am again. Another new year’s eve, desperately trying to cling to this ending year because i’m so afraid of what’s to come. Everyone around me has their plans with important people for ringing in the new year. For me, regardless what the date is, it’s just another day waiting for something that’s never gonna happen. I’ll always just be me. It’s something that I always thought I wanted, but i’m transparent enough that people are able to see right through that, before I even realised it myself.
Not everyone feels that looking at life from different perspectives, being liberal, creative, & unconventional are things to celebrate.
— Azreen💋 (@azreen1234) December 31, 2016
I feel lost a lot, and i often wonder how a person can fathom going the rest of their lives feeling the way they do. I look back at those times when I was younger, I never used to be able to tell if it was harder back then. I know that it was really difficult for me to think of the future, because at that point i really couldn’t imagine what would happen to me next. I was always dreading how much worse things would get. People always tell me, “you’ve come this far, look at where you are now”. But i don’t even know what i came far from. Is it simply the fact that i lived through what I did? Sure, I suppose I “kept going”. But I didn’t make it through anything. I never overcame any of it. Sometimes in life, you can’t know if you’re trying enough or getting there, because sometimes there’s just no way of knowing. Sometimes you’re just stuck.
do you miss the person or the memories?
— kaitlyn 👑 (@KaitlynCollins4) 8 September 2016
I only have this body to rely on, and i guess i took for granted that it would continue to serve me how it always did. I was careless, and thought nothing of leaving myself like this, like it wouldn’t cause me pain later. Like I could somehow avoid the question, and that my physical faults wouldn’t eventually catch up to me. And every second i get older, everything only gets that much worse, and doing things only become much harder. It’s strange, I often surprise myself at how upright i’m able to be when it’s called for.
It’s a difficult existence to have to adapt to. The many warm expressions of kind people, drinking in the sights of immaculate landscapes, – wonders of creation that constitute enticing fleeting moments, adding fascination to the experience of being corporeal. But with it, comes the weight of physical affliction, among other limitations. It isn’t difficult to be overwhelmed, even by emotion. A person, their words, or even lack thereof – it can throw you anywhere between fury and sorrow; and the rest of the time in a resting state with that subtle background anguish of longing.
Picking myself up, dusting myself off, in a feeble attempt to trudge onward, it inevitably takes a lot more than it used to.
So i’ve been working on cleaning up all the spam that’s been accumulating in my comments. Believe me, i really do miss the times when my comments were open and you didn’t have to register with my site. I don’t know how everything got so complicated. Truth is, if not for spam, who else is going to comment on my blog?
Time and time again, everything that happens in my life shows me that no one reads my blog. I mean, had they read it, they would certainly have some answers to the questions they have about what i might be upset about.
When I think about the car accidents I’ve been in, I really have to wonder what I actually avoided. It was never raining, and it was always during the day. Coming out of the other end unscathed with everyone else taking the fall and helping me out of it, what were they really trying to accomplish? I’m here now, but that doesn’t really help anyone either.
Growing up, my mom told me to be thankful for my siblings, that i’m lucky to have been born into such a big family. There was nothing that I brought to the table that someone else couldn’t. No one else would ever care about me as much as my family does. This is as good as it would ever get for me. And if I didn’t like it, there wouldn’t be any point looking for anything else cause there would be nothing better. No one else would feel i’m worth anything. Except maybe a menial task. Or two. Because that’s how easily people can replace me.
So it’s the finale week of Neighbours. Everyone is wrapping up their year. In neat, brightly-coloured bows. Everyone i know has their storylines for the year coming to a close, with things to celebrate, and accomplishments to talk about. And things to look forward to next year. It doesn’t take much for me to be reminded of my dread for holiday season – it doesn’t even have to be that close, or in my face. It’s strange; when I was younger I loved the decorations at the all malls, and was eager to take photos with christmas trees. I don’t think it’s necessarily that things changed, rather they just went downhill. Just add another item to the list of things I hate. Good things just don’t last. People don’t run out of kindness to you, they just move on to better things.
I’ve spent years trying to avoid the question of what i have to offer. Some people are too difficult to have around. What they say, the things they do, it can get exhausting. When people shift in their seat across from me, the lull in the conversation makes it clear that i’m just time they’ll never get back.
If the seatbelt alarm goes off it’s always me. Someone to criticise, someone to blame, sure, but that’s pretty much it. There’s not much i’m good for.
I don’t think i could even call myself human. That i could even come close to being a real person. It’s something I wish i could have. I want that feeling of being like them, people with places to be, people that deserve respect and dignity. It was long ago, but I remember being around people. Birthday parties, collecting exam results, prize-giving ceremonies. That instance when someone considers how you feel when they choose what to say to you, I remember it clear as day and i want to keep it with me forever. I felt younger than I really was, among people who were so generous, I didn’t realise it wouldn’t last. I really thought I could mean something to someone, and now i’m here, recognising my false hopes for what they really were. They have important things in their lives now. There’s just no reason for them to want me especially now. Without anything left for me to hide behind, you can see i’m not worth anything.
Sometimes in life, things happen, it can consume you, and you can lose sight of yourself. I didn’t even know who I was. And now here i am a decade later, still unable to drag myself out from underneath it all.
Be true to yourself, follow your heart, live each day to the fullest, and it will lead you to your happiness. You deserve it. But it’s not for everyone. And I just don’t think it’s for me.
This, like most others, is an uncategorised post, because if you want to know me, you wouldn’t categorise my feelings.
I’m exactly the same as when i started writing in this blog 6 years ago. In fact, everything in my previous blog even, it’s all the same stories. I’m still the same person. The same fears and insecurities, the same issues that i never seem to be done dealing with my whole life. But if you see me you wouldn’t recognise me. Youth is a useful facade to hide what’s really going on in your life and with the people close to you. For everyone else, it fades to reveal a stronger self that they’ve grown to become. But living the way I have, not changing the way I am certainly takes it’s toll, and my years inevitably show on my face, all the problems that i ran from now in plain sight to everyone.
Everything didn’t end up the way i hoped or even thought it would. I’m not a person that i’m proud to be. I don’t know if I can ever be anything more than that. And no one wants to be around that. My friends should just drop me because you can never get anywhere carrying so much dead weight.
In the end, I can mean something to someone, but what we all really need is someone who can make us happy. I may be a part of someone’s life, but I don’t have to be, certainly when they have much better things in the centre of theirs.
Bad memories can eventually be replaced with good ones. Wounds can heal given enough time. Pain you can endure until you find it bearable. A bad breakup, get under someone else to get over your ex. But there are just some obstacles that you can’t overcome, because not everything in life has an answer. Most things in life are tough, and with the right people by your side you can pull through it. Sometimes you have problems, and you have to figure a way out.
I just don’t think there’s anyway through for me. Not everyone can be good at things, and it’s just your luck if you have me in your life.
Believe it or not, everyone is different. Some people are too accustomed to the privileges that they had, and some people just aren’t able to do everything regardless of whether they always had everything handed to them or not. We always plan, but the truth is life gets in the way and things don’t always work out the way we want. Life is full of unexpected things, and yes a lot of it will be inconvenient to you, such as a person who is busy with their own problems and not always available for you to make use of.
I just don’t understand why I have to listen to anyone who has never taken the time or effort to get to know me. Or accept me. Let go, forgive, forget, move on. I feel like i’ve heard everything and it’s especially from people who aren’t even involved with me or are truly on my side. I don’t understand why i’m simply a constellation of circumstances and not an actual whole individual who shouldn’t be simplified so brusquely. I just don’t understand why I would want to put my trust in anyone especially when they like to blame me so much. If you enjoy referring to people’s feelings as over-reacting, then go do that and don’t feel the need to force it down my throat.
Before I get to it, those of you who paid attention to my tweets, thank you for recognising what songs I like to listen to lately.
If i didn’t say anything, does it automatically mean that i was okay with it?
When i’m being blamed for things that aren’t my fault, what it means to me is that my worth as an individual is being redefined to me on someone else’s terms. The truth is I am less than other people. It’s not just a feeling I get when i’m being spoken to a certain way. I just have to decide whether or not I want to be constantly reminded of it. I can know myself and not seek validation for it from someone else. Or I could expect someone else to appreciate the good things about me. It’s a choice, and if someone doesn’t think i’m worth talking to nicely it’s not their fault. That’s just who they are.
Having someone in your life is actually very complicated, and most people won’t cut out someone from their life because interpersonal relationships develop and change, and their value comes from that. I never knew that. The fact of just having a human connection with another person at all. That by itself is already valuable to a person. I was never trying to be black and white about everything in my life. Maybe i had hatred that was difficult for me to let go of. My defense was that my feelings were valid, and that if you didn’t care how what you said or did would affect how I feel, then I shouldn’t care about you. I was so into myself. I figured if I wasn’t going to be, then who will. I wanted to be a priority to someone, but I didn’t think I was taking anything out on other people. I don’t want anyone to make me crawl to them. I don’t want them to want that from me. I thought I was being very take-it-or-leave it with who I am. And well, leave it they did.
No one seems to want to believe that i actually deserve anything from anyone. Or that a person could talk to me and care about me even though they didn’t have to. I’m not here to compare everyone to a perfect ideal. I’m not putting anyone on a pedestal. I just have nothing to say to someone who doesn’t feel like I have anything to say.
Throughout the years I always asked myself about my actual audience here. When I first started my blog I thought I was so clear about why i’m doing this. I was so sure of myself, and that I loved what I was doing and that I didn’t need anything more than just being able to express myself.
I mean, sure, people could read my blog if they wanted to know about me. The fact that it’s a very big if aside, I don’t know anymore what anyone could gain from that. If they’re in front of me but had never read my blog or tweets or viewed my stories, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want to know about me. And in person, i’m really not that difficult to read. It’s just difficult for me to read people.
When it approaches the end of the year, well, it’s never a good thing for me. And i’m realising now that it affects a lot of people.
I wrote the rest of this blog post in a different link (http://pastebin.com/hthjdwEt) , which I will later delete. Either way, i’m definitely going to edit this blogpost. I don’t belong to anyone. I don’t want you to use my feelings and weaknesses as leverage to get what you want, or to make things more convenient for you.
I think i’m quite unwell today, i’ve had a headache since last night.
It’s been raining all day since yesterday and I feel so cold.
I’m glad I still have my entries dating back to 2010. In fact, that’s around the time I got this laptop. Towards the end of the year, things around you make you realize that time really flies, and it’s sad.
I’m finally caught up with the Met Gala, the VMAs and the Emmys. I finally get to indulge in long-awaited Scream Queens and How to Get Away with Murder while awaiting new Younger and taking an interest in new offerings like ABCs Notorious and Speechless, as well as NBC’s The Good Place.
I’m really mulling over my instagram, and the more I hear about people who clean house, the more tempted I am to start over with a blank feed. It used to be a place where people post random quirky photos to express themselves, now it’s just a beauty competition. Sometimes I feel like all roads lead back to twitter.
Three weeks ago, it was that persons birthday and of course they had to wish her. There’s so much for me to re-evaluate.
Well, tomorrow i’m sending my sisters to the airport, and then I suppose i’ll be going 2 weeks without posting any stories. I’ll just be checking what snaps I receive and viewing stories that you alert me to, and that’s probably it.
Okay, so I was watching the online broadcast of the NCL Summer Congregations 2016 which took place in the Banqueting Hall of Newcastle Civic Centre. It was a really beautiful ceremony, and it really made me wonder why I didn’t appreciate my own. Like, I kind of hated mine. It’s such a huge deal for most people, and I feel so fortunate to be able to see Melissa go on stage. Wow, there are even NCL students who bought graduation jewellery.
I wish I could visit Kyra in Brisbane. I’m so bad at planning stuff, especially when it comes to finances. Like i’m just blowing through my earnings every single day.
Another tuesday night, another episode of bachelorette, another round of aimlessly scrolling through twitter before bed.
I don’t have to triage people’s interactions with me. No, I don’t have so many people trying to get in touch with me that I have to prioritize some and put others on hold. I just know who I am, who I can trust, and who I don’t want in my life, that’s all.
If someone who has been insincere to me in the past tries to get in touch with me, then I just won’t bother. It’s not because i’m so important that I have to only urgently attend people who are worth the publicity. I don’t have people waiting on my next travel update or profile photo. I don’t have any pressure to fulfill any expectations of being a socialite. I don’t talk to people based on whether or not it gets me good press. I don’t want to be those people who only to talks to someone if they can boost their image.
I don’t need to go somewhere just to have a photo of me being there. I already know what I want, and although I often am not able to do it, I have always known that people won’t be that interested. They never have and never will change their mind about me. They’re all very certain about how relevant I am. Nothing I do is ever gonna be something that people like to follow.
All I have ever wanted my whole life was just space to be who I am. And I have been as real as I could, considering that constant judgement from everyone. I know who I am and I know what I like. You can condemn reality shows and entertainment news all you want, but I will always like it. That’s just me!
I know you want me to think that you’re concerned. Like, if I don’t have interests that are the same as everyone else, then no one will ever like talking to me and then my life is gonna suck. But it already does!
You think you can tell me that I have to worry about behaving in a certain way in order to take care of my reputation (and thus your image) because I don’t want people hating me. The thing is, I don’t want people being my friend if they don’t know the real me! If you deign to talk to me because your evaluation of my social media and reputation deems me harmless to your image and that’s it, then I don’t want you in my life.
You want me to think that no one can ever appreciate any of my real messy personality. You might be right. But i’d rather be alone than have fake people in my life. I don’t want people in my life who don’t appreciate me.
So, Adila turns 20 today, so Happy Birthday Adila!
I’m so sad that I won’t be able to make it for Rabi‘s big day next week! I haven’t seen her for so long and miss her so much.
Well, Aniza had an emergency and needed me to get her math book to her. We coordinated it so that I pass it to her while she excuses herself from class for the bathroom. I was on school grounds without having to report to teachers or security, and she came right back to class with her math book without her teacher suspecting a thing! I feel like an undercover agent or something, like that was good, right?
“Why can’t I have a normal life?”
It’s a strange expression to hear. Especially when so many people I see in the world actually lead extraordinary lives and have extraordinary accomplishments. I feel like that perception of a normal life is antiquated.
It’s also a polarising statement. Happiness is not and shouldn’t be, exclusive to “normal” people with “normal” lives. Referring to any particular lifestyle or culture as normal appropriates exclusivity of so-called normal people. We live in a world with many different people, and thus we’re supposed to embrace diversity, and encourage equal opportunity for all. Everyone should have the chance to feel respected, appreciated, and celebrated. Not just the people that you think matter. Not just your squad.
So, it’s raya eve, and every year I have that awful feeling because of how other kids have their dads cooking rendang while my dad does absolutely nothing. Raya has the ability to show me how strongly I feel about my dad. I have to have his name in my name. For the rest of my life. You know, if you don’t have a relationship with your dad, it’s okay. Not everyone’s dad is the same. And I already know who really is there for me, and who really raised me.
I don’t think I necessarily rely on snapchat as an outlet, especially compared to twitter. I just feel like people are more authentic on snapchat. They’re just open about themselves, and their stories are spontaneous moments. You get a no-holds-barred look into their everyday lives. Even I feel more free to be myself on snapchat than instagram. But i’m so glad and thankful that I still have this blog today.
Actually, I just like to say whatever I can to throw shade at facebook users. Mean, I know. There are many of them who’re harmless. I mostly side-eye people who are so obsessed with their reputation. “Why did u tag me in that photo? I look so unglam, delete it!” Sometimes when I say stuff about other social networks, I feel like mentioning “Yes, looking at you”. Some people are so obsessed with maintaining their precious perfect image. It’s so important to them, and the way they’re so devoted to their profile page, it’s like a shrine. To themselves. You can’t control how people perceive you. If people only like you because they believe you are exactly the way you are represented on your facebook profile, then how can that be real? And why would you settle for that? Live your life and be who you are. Do it for yourself, not to impress others.
Okay, so i’ve reached that part of the year where i’m like feeling that raya nostalgia. I don’t know why it keeps happening to me every year, like somehow for some reason I want to be at home during puasa month. Last year, even though I hardly spent time with my family, it wasn’t even that tough because I was hardly eating anyway. Like by the time I get off work it would be way past buka puasa and everyone else had already cleared out and gone home and I can eat anything and wherever I wanted without having to queue or wait for a table. It’s always exhausting though.
I think this time of the year has that effect on a lot of people. It makes me think of my late grandmother, and how we always gathered at her house for raya eve. And there was that really fun raya in 2010 when I got to watch The Hills reruns at her house on raya morning. When I was younger I was too busy stressing about what to wear, and how i’d look in raya photos. Which I still have a hard time with.
I’m glad that I managed to cut certain people out of my raya last year. I worked through raya last year, and because of that I didn’t have to spend it with my dad.
Coincidentally there’s that really sad emptiness as well when i’m between seasons of How to Get Away with Murder, Scandal, and Younger. It’s especially sad when stuff happens like Nashville getting cancelled. Good Wife ended. So that just leaves me with OITNB which I would probably only be able to watch after raya or something. And I also have to figure out what to do while waiting for new The Catch next year.
Who are the people that I should have in my life?
Who are the people that are worth trusting?
I already know who I am. I was there, I know what was said to me. I don’t need someone to tell me what she said to me, or what not to feel offended by. I don’t need someone to teach me what happened to me cause I was the one who actually experienced it. I know who was kind to me and who wasn’t.
She’s just that important to you.
Be yourself, say what you want. Don’t feel like you owe anyone anything. People are gonna say what they want to you. Hear them out, take it with a grain of salt, and use it as an incitement to learn something about life. You don’t have to follow what they say or accept what they say as the right way of thinking. When you learn more, then you can make an informed choice. Then you’ll have a new outlook on what you want to say.
“I want us all to be together”
That’s just to cover up that you don’t want to see any of us unless your favourite is there. Everyone has seen how differently you behave when she’s here. How good you want her to think you are.
It all comes back to what’s most convenient for her. To watch it unfold like that, to see her condemn one of her own without even blinking. No matter her intentions, she cannot see things as NOT being about “Poor Little Me”. There’s no time to be appalled because it’s painful to hear.
You love your acronym-named exclusive clique. You love tennis. Use that same enthusiasm for the problems that you feel you’re too good for. You can put so much effort into being a devout consumer of ikea products, but when someone needs you, you just want to call them stupid?
You say that you can’t believe that this is happening to you? that it’s exhausting? Let me tell you what’s exhausting. Hosting and entertaining your fake friend that I don’t even know, and having them walk all over me and push me into catering to their every whim and fancy. Why should I have to accompany them at lunch if she didn’t even have the decency to invite her own friend to her own house? especially when she hasn’t seen her for so long? especially when she won’t get to see her for long after this? especially when they have so much to talk about and I have to just sit through it?
Could it be that there’s really nothing left to do but mourn Sincerity was a truly wonderful thing. Ignorance is bliss until you see someone’s true colours.
You’re always so kind to me, but to see you treat someone like that. If you’re capable of hatred towards someone who needs you, then am I supposed to just wait around for my turn to get kicked out the door? What does that say about my choices in whom to trust?
I start to think that if the person I thought I trusted is so concerned with their convenience, then what does that say about my choices and who I put my trust in?
I feel like I just live for people’s amusement, so they can look at my life and laugh at me. Look at what I went through and shake their heads at me. So they can know what I am and feel better about themselves. Maybe I was never alone. People were always around, always there to judge. People who have so much to say, who have their opinions and have so much time to share. People like to put in all this effort when it comes their turn to chide me for what i’ve made with my life. And that has always been the extent of their involvement.
This pervading issue in my life is something that i’ve discussed before. For instance, when my family dynamics affected me in closely similar ways in 2012.
It was always made very clear to me whether or not I was normal. And if I deserved any of the perks normal people had. There was so much uncertainty, especially considering there was no real father figure in my life for a long time, and seeing someone’s behaviour to you in that circumstance can teach you a lot. Seeing someone act on their priorities teaches you how much you matter to them.
There will always be people in your life who will tell you that they care a lot about you, that you should care about them in return, and that there won’t be anyone else who cares about you as much.
It’s hurtful having people in my life who always tell me their opinion about me without worrying about how i’ll feel. Cause if you’re saying it like that, you obviously don’t care how i feel. People are always pushing their opinions on me. People are always criticising me and expect me to still look up to them.
When there’s something going on with me, it’s just an inconvenience to you. Another thing you have to hear about at length, and have to feign interest in.
I think it’s easy to tell if someone cares about you, especially when they only have a big reaction when something affects their convenience. And they talk about it way more than they would ever talk to you about how you feel about something. They’re furious whenever something inconveniences them, but they don’t think you should be angry if they inconvenience you.
There will always be people in your life that expect you to constantly listen to them talk about their lives and then they don’t take an active interest in your own. If it’s just anyone who does that to me, i wouldn’t be surprised, it wouldn’t be an issue. It’s convenient for you if i feel bad about myself, that way it’s easier for you to control me. And you’ve always made it very clear what my weaknesses are, and how much of them there are.
Okay, awkweeird had already told you in person that I was picking her up after the movie. So why did you go and take my car? You just tell people to assemble things and then you laugh at them and criticize them.
It’s easy to see whether or not people around you care about you. So, you shouldn’t apologise for expecting someone to ask you how you feel about what they say to you.
I blocked you from my twitter and instagram because I don’t need your opinion on anything that I do especially when people who aren’t even my immediate family are capable of being more concerned, empathizing, and involved than you are. I know what you did, and it’s not something that everyone can just ignore. I know what your real endgame is, which isn’t difficult because you’ve always been insincere about everything you claim you want to do for me. You’ve always been there when you need me. And you’ve always made it clear when you found me useless.
I have a sister, and she’s sincere in everything that she does for me. She was there for me and didn’t expect anything in return. I have already seen who comments on my blog and who doesn’t. And she wants me in her life not because i’m biologically related to her, or because I can run a random errand for her when she needs me. I already have a family. They don’t view me as a liability. So stop trying to divide us for your own selfish needs.
Like other people whom you once had, you missed the chance to appreciate the people who should matter to you.
Even if I forgave you, it doesn’t exonerate you. You caused so many people so many years of suffering and it’s going to take many more years before we can ever build our lives back up.
I won’t waste my time on someone who’s just going to be detrimental to me all the time.
I wish you would leave me alone because you’re always asking me for something, or taking something from me.
Okay, so it’s my 271st post. I’d just like to mention again how grateful I am to Pauline for letting me continue blogging here for as long as I have – ten years. Lately, i’ve been obsessing unhealthily with instagram, but on the upside, it was a place where I got to talk and continue to keep in touch with the gracious, endearing and kindhearted Rabi. It seems that all i’m good for nowadays is just playing with snapchat filters. Feel free to view my stories, find me by my handle @azreen1234 cause i’ve somehow been inspired to update regularly. I really want to watch How to Be Single. I can’t wait to go watch it.
Tomorrow night, there’s this dinner thing that I have to go to with my family. My younger sister is really upset because she’s constantly being dragged to things that she doesn’t like, while other people get exempted. I like to meet people outside, because I have this rule about visiting someone at their home. I don’t like it. And if someone wants to come to my house, i’ll try to meet them outside as well. Or maybe it’s that thing I have with always keeping people at arms length.
I never thought that how I sleep at night would be a big deal for me. Getting sleep has always been such an issue for me throughout my life. When I was 17, I would try to sleep inside my wardrobe so that I can be sealed safe and alone in the dark even during the day, but it didn’t work because it was so narrow and uncomfortable. I had experiences with a few mattresses, and I never thought that I would have difficulties with certain types. The worst is when it’s really hot, like if i’m in a room that has a concrete floor outside. Then it would be so difficult for me to sleep in the heat and I would get so exhausted. I hated that period in my life, and I hope I never have to go through something like that again. I found it very difficult and painful to go through. Like I was in physical pain and exhaustion. And I became one of those divas who can’t sleep without control over the temperature in the bedroom.
I have this bad habit of putting people on a pedestal. I think when you’re confident, it’s easier for you to talk to people. I remember when I was 14 and didn’t care so much, and wasn’t really thinking until I caused trouble. No one likes to constantly be questioning people’s intentions, and being self-conscious all the time. I decided to become really closed-off to people because I felt that it would be easier for me. At the same time, I always had this thing in me about comparing myself to other people. I also compare people to others, and keep talking about a certain person who I constantly recount how kind, intelligent and selfless they were, that it drives other people away. Because i’m always expecting so much from other people. And add that to my entitled, spoiled attitude and you have a perfect recipe for alienating people.
My sister took me to East Terrace Continental today, for our own verison of the long weekend’s festivities. There’s a festival that I refuse to go to, and going out for a meal was the only thing I agreed to. I still had to buy sushi after that, because i’m so out of control and steadily blowing through my salary until I have none left. Tomorrow i’m going out again, and will likely end up doing more damage. Anyway, if there’s anyone reading my blog, thank you, and if you don’t feel comfortable commenting here, feel free to direct message me on twitter or instagram. Or even e-mail me at email@example.com.
I’m very much looking forward to the premiere of the new season of Sailor Moon Crystal, which feels like a birthday treat because of it’s release date.
I hope I never have to see even a photo of her ever again. I really hate her. She’ still in touch with the people she met during that year. No one is going to block her on instagram just for me.
Seeing all the interactions between people I trusted with people i hated really shocked me. Talking to someone that you told me was going to be gone and out of our lives forever is one thing. Being super BFFs with them is another. And I, only being able to watch, completely helpless, unable to stop it, without anyone listening to me, that’s the worst part. I’m forced to watch this go on and on. She totally knew that I had no choice but to trust her with everything. And she still went behind my back and did that as if it was so direly necessary. A person comes around, ruins your life, leaves, and then allows you to think that it’s gonna be over, but actually they’re still making you miserable from thousands of miles away. At first, you think, oh I guess they just talk from time to time. And then, they just contact each other more often, in more ways, and become so much closer? And then I start to think that if the person I thought I trusted is so willing to be such close friends with my nemesis, then what does that say about my choices and who I put my trust in?
I feel like I just live for people’s amusement, so they can look at my life and laugh at me. Look at what I went through and shake their heads at me. So they can know what I am and feel better about themselves. Maybe I was never alone. Everyone was always around, always there to judge. Everyone has so much to say, everyone has their opinions and has so much time to share. Everyone likes to put in all this effort when it comes their turn to chide me for what i’ve made with my life. And that has always been the extent of their involvement.
I have never seen any evidence disproving that people find it fun to look at my situation and tell me how bad they think it is. I can’t even expect pity anymore. Just amusement. They do! They like finding out what’s going on with me so they can laugh about how pathetic I am. No one’s given me any reason to believe otherwise. Suffice to say people who have gone on to better things and had great things happen to them have forgotten about me.
Happy Chap Goh Mei!
There are a lot of things that changed, and there are also things that stayed the same. Like, nowadays, I find myself avidly interacting with Teacher Yvonne, though I never actually took any lessons from her. Ever. Unexpected, I know. I met a lot of people, like this one really great friend and I have a lot of experiences to be thankful for. Being in a really big place, you meet lots of different people, you get really inspired by the great example they set on their way up the ranks, and it’s so fulfilling to be able to learn so much from people like that. In the greater scheme of things, each person has different weaknesses, and bad things can still happen regardless of what type of person you are. Life is unpredictable, so there’s really no harm appreciating your colleagues. You’ll have to find me on my new instagram handle @azre.en because having numbers in my handle wasn’t polling well. I haven’t changed my handle on Twitter, Line, and Snapchat though, so on those i’m still azreen1234, and if you really want to go the extra mile then look for me with same numbered handle on VSCO. Feel free to hit me up at firstname.lastname@example.org if you like e-mail.
A lot of you know that I don’t have facebook, and it’s not just because I hate it. There are a lot of people from high school that I don’t want to see again because I don’t want to be reminded of that difficult time. It really sucked for me. Over a decade later, i’m still that same person with all those insecurities and jealousy and doesn’t like to admit that he’s wrong. I know that there are things from the past that i’m supposed to let go of, yet I still blame all those experiences for making me this person who always compares himself to people who are better off. You see a lot of photos of me with my sisters on instagram but even after all this time it’s still hard for me to talk about my family. I don’t know, maybe everything in my life isn’t as complicated as I think but somehow I let it define me.
So Hanna had a lot of character development on PLL when she left her prestigious position, instantly got replaced, cried on the shoulder of the most supportive fiancee in the world while trying to come to terms with her ex’s newfound relationship with her bestfriend. Meanwhile, I was so in awe of Lucy Hale’s gorgeousness as she plays Aria, breaking into Sara Harvey’s hotel room and coming clean to Liam about writing chapters of a book she’s only supposed to be editing. Then I was so swooning over Lucy’s new pics of her makeover by Kristin Ess.
It was so disappointing to see Amanda get sent home on #TheBachelor especially when her family was so much more welcoming to Ben than Joelle’s. It turns out, meeting the families isn’t for the contestant’s benefit. In fact, quite the contrary. They actually had to advertise themselves and be perfect so that Ben will be happy and reciprocate with a rose. I couldn’t help but feel like he was making a mistake cause he was crying so much. I mean, sure, Lauren’s tour of Portland was a success, as well as the sister interview afterwards. But it doesn’t seem fair to me that you have to be totally smiley, normal, blonde, all-around-happy-all-the-time-always in order to get a rose. Amanda was right about deserving to be told earlier on if there were any doubts or uncertainties. What’s the point of all those dates if you can’t see how you really feel? When the season began, Ben was so open-minded, and now I learn that in the end everyone has a “type” and they won’t give that up.
Okay so yesterday, I went to IKEA with my mom. We got a BRIMNES chest of drawers, a KNAPPER mirror, and a PORTIS rack. Now I know why I have the problems I have. If i have more storage space, obviously i’m going to feel comfortable enough about buying stuff to fill it with. Then I end up going back for more storage solutions. And even though I only want one thing, they still make us look at everything before going to the warehouse, so no wonder I end up getting more than I originally planned, which just makes my problem worse. So why didn’t I just live in IKEA in the first place cause that’s the only way I can truly have everything, and have it looking as perfect as they display it to be. Yeah, so I hate it.
Anyway, later the guy came to fix the garage door to which we don’t have a remote. Then I went shopping again 2 hours later, this time with my sister and we got her a bag from Factorie, which looks a lot like a bag from Sportsgirl (so it’s a compromise). And then I went out again, like less than an hour later, this time with my mom. And to think, it was just the previous day that I was rummaging through the chemist bargain bin with my older sister (so much cool stuff and so cheap btw).
So this year it’ll be 10 years since I was brought on to frozen-wings.net by Pauline. I can’t believe it, cause it feels crazy that we stayed in touch after all these years, especially cause I only got a smartphone in 2011 so that really amazed me at how it only suddenly became easy after a long time. Such a shame that time she visited Malaysia but we were unable to meet up.
So yeah, CNY is over, my life is complicated in ways that I didn’t know possible, and i’m still bitter about the same things I used to be. Coming up is Jessica’s engagement party next month. Another situation where I will inevitably feel unsatisfied with whatever it is I wear to the event. Then, I have to explain again and again to many people that my situation is really unconventional, that I still live with my parents. Struggling with this weird dynamic where I look to my sister as my dad, and i’m unsure where I fit in to all of it.
I can’t believe i’m writing all of this. Or all the other things I wrote here all these years. But who cares right? I mean, other than the spam-bots.
You will always put your press, your publicity, your public image first. When will anyone look up from their phone when they talk to me? I don’t understand why i’m not important enough to anyone for them to stop scrolling their facebook and look at me and actually talk to me. Was I too ambitious to think that in this life, in this world, I could actually find someone who’s willing to put me before their social media? Will I always come second to their social media? Maybe no one thinks I deserve it. No one thinks i’m important enough, least of important enough to put their social media on hold even for a second. I was foolish to think someone would give up their social media account for me. Then maybe I don’t want to have to hold out for someone, or hope that someone will care about me. Especially if I know they will always care about their social media more. Relationships are a lot of work. Trust has to built on both sides. Maybe I don’t want to have anyone in my life, so that I don’t have to compete with facebook or whatsapp for their attention.
Ohno, my mom bought a new TV. Now really bad shows are gonna be on all the time.
So, everyone has their leave all lined up to spend christmas and new years with their loved ones. Everyone has plans, and they don’t have to be alone or feel left out. I have spent christmas and new years on my own before, and I did like being able to enjoy peace and quiet, enough to hear myself think. Nonetheless, i’m lucky to be able to spend christmas and new years with my family this year.
I watched Just in Time for Christmas starring Eloise Mumford, and it was so heartfelt and touching. I’m afraid I can’t say the same for Once Upon A Holiday. I can’t wait to see The Flight Before Christmas and Wish Upon a Christmas. Who knows, maybe after the holidays i’ll finally get the chance to go see Sisters.
I always liked to think that I was happy with who I am, and that was enough and I didn’t need anything else. I thought that if I had fun doing what I liked, it would be enough for me and I wouldn’t need anyone else.
Different things are important to different people. You want to be able to find yourself, be your truest self and do what’s important to you, but you also want to share your accomplishments with people you care about.
There are many people who have trouble in their lives recognizing their worth especially when they don’t get any appreciation from those around them.
I thought that if I had a blog, then I would know that people who read it are genuinely interested in my opinions and sincerely care about sharing thoughts and ideas with someone. I would know that what they do is more important to them than who they’re seen with.
I don’t know why but I feel like I lived and grew up in such a superficial town that it’s hard to know if someone just cares about their image, or they actually have real interests and priorities. I want to learn from a real person who sets a good example and know what it’s like to live your life guided by a cause that you care about, rather than placing so much importance on how much publicity you get and whether or not you’re seen with the right people.
I want to know if someone cares about me, or they care more about fame. Would they rather be famous or have people in their lives that they care about? If i know what’s meaningful, then i can make a more informed choice. I can know what’s best for me, and not have to compare myself to other more popular people and constantly be at the bottom of the totem pole.
For so long, I was happy to have work as an excuse to not have time for anything else. Maybe I wasn’t being compensated enough, I wouldn’t know, and I somehow decided I didn’t have to know. Maybe I didn’t care. Maybe it was hard for me to see past what I was doing in the next few minutes, let alone know where I want to be in a year. There are so many beautiful things in this world, and there are so many kind, generous, beautiful, amazing people who get to be part of it. There were always so many things in my personal life that I kept putting off. So many hard truths about myself that I didn’t want to confront, and being busy conveniently gave me a way to run from them.
I thought that if I had twitter, oovoo, wechat, Line, i could see who contacts me and how often. I somehow believed I was in a position to test other people and see how much they care about me. I treated every passing day as just time used to wait for something good to happen, for someone to contact me, for me to discover the truth about people around me. I didn’t think that if I wanted to be significant in someone’s life, I’d have to do something significant for them. My habit of putting people on a pedestal actually pushed away friends that I had right in front of me, because I was so obsessed with holding people up to impossible standards that I didn’t appreciated the few people around me.
If you believe in love, in its power, and you conduct your life with respect of its sanctity, then it’ll always be there to serve you. I look back at everything that I went through growing up, and I think it led me to have developed a skepticism about family as an institution. There can be so many different matrices by which to know a person’s worth. You have to know what you want, what you expect from yourself, and it will guide you to what kind of person you want to be. But if you can’t think for yourself, and let other people think for you, then you have to do everything based on what they think of you. If I knew my own values, I would know what would make me proud of myself. But instead, I just end up resenting that I’m not a more useful person.
I was so lucky to have the opportunity to pose with the amazing, gorgeous and incredibly sweet @alive_well_fair whom I finally met after so long!
In my life i’ve met many amazing people.
Sometimes when i look in the mirror I feel like I just can’t take it anymore. How will I ever stop wanting everything to be different. How can i stop that constant dissatisfaction. Am I letting it get to me? Am I going to turn into someone who continuously damages myself in multiple attempts to obtain something impossible?
Why aren’t I a part of something. I hate having this strange loneliness eat away at me. I have this strange dependence on a hectic work environment and long hours in order to distract me from what i’m really feeling. From how much I hate myself. People always ask me what that longing stare means, and i’ve been trying to figure it out myself. I can’t bear to admit to that I need someone to talk to. I like to think that I don’t need anyone and can be alone.
In my life i’ve met many amazing people. I wish I was like them. I wish i could be one of them. I wish I could sit with them at lunch or whatever meal they might have and be a part of their engaging conversation about their fascinating lives.
I’ll never forget the selflessness shown to me by people like Hud, Allia Najmie, Ariff, Lily, Fara Nadia, Airy. Some people I just really click with and wish I could always be around cause they make me feel like I can be myself and say anything to them.
I always thought my gift was death. Or that it couldn’t come soon enough. Maybe I just didn’t make the most of my existence like they did. Or that I have too much pride to admit that.
I finally have room to breathe, space to be myself, peace for me to hear my own thoughts, the time that I need to work towards coming to terms with the person that I am. Then why do I have this constant nagging feeling that something’s missing?
There’s so much that I have to remember, so that i’m careful and won’t be caught with my guard down again.
At the same time there’s all this stuff that I can never forget. I will always be reminded of my mistakes. It isn’t trauma, it’s just that i wish there was something i did right, and that comfort could help me sleep at night. Maybe i’ll never have that privilege.
I started watching Barely Famous, and I didn’t expect to like it as much as I did. It’s hilarious. I think my life right now is just unanswered texts and calls, then watching shows like Grey’s Anatomy til I forget about the dread of tomorrow and eventually fall asleep.
I wish I could be like all those other people, who just wear things, and totally own it, and be comfortable and confident. I just wear different variations of the same dark-coloured ensemble everyday. I’m stuck in the past. I still think it’s 2004 when everyone lugged around really huge bags that they carried everything in.
It’s the last day of 2014. Some parts of the world are already in 2015. I don’t really have much to look back fondly on in 2014. But there’s a lot of difficulty that lies ahead in 2015 also. I don’t know when any of my new year’s eve wishes ever came true. At least this year i’m not alone on new year’s eve.
I forgot what were the things that I was chasing to make me happy. I forgot how to want something. I ended up having lots of new crippling fears, and focusing so much on what I don’t want.
It could be because if you don’t feel anything for a long time, you forget that you could feel at all. That there is something to feel. It may be the reason that nothing feels nice anymore. Sleep doesn’t give a comfortable rest, food isn’t appetizing to you anymore. Maybe there’s nothing left of me.
I don’t know what to do. Everything hurts. I have this ugly cry. I sometimes see people grieving and mourning over the loss of a loved one, and I wonder why I cry like that when I haven’t lost anyone. There are so many people suffering in this world and it’s painful to look at. We’re all looking to each other but too overwhelmed to help one another. We’re all helpless. I just want to be safe. From heartbreak. From disappointment. From being hurt.
I don’t know if there’s an answer to life. I’m just a slave to circumstance. I really need a miracle. 2015 please be good to me.
This is it. The last day of november. Please be good to me december. I hope god grants my wish and gives me safe year ahead. Hopefully no more being stabbed in the back. Hopefully no heartbreak.
There’s never really one thing that a person can define themselves by. What you identify as does not necessarily have any significance in life. No one wants to know who you are, just what they can get from you.
For some people, they have a tight-knit family of friends. For others, their biological family are the same people that they have close relationships with. For me, it was never a choice. I’m just someone you whatsapp whenever you need someone for a task however menial it might be. “He’s not good for much, but there’s no harm asking,”
If people respect your time, that’s actually a rare privilege. Not everyone enjoys that. I’ve always checked my e-mails. If you feel that this blog is too lengthy to read, you can always e-mail me at email@example.com cause I always have been available by that method. And others, such as WeChat, Oovoo, KakaoTalk, Tango and LINE all by the same username, azreen1234. But of course e-mailing me is best for those who don’t have a twitter account or any of the above. If you’re not interested in me it doesn’t mean that i’m not interesting.
Maybe i’m just destined to be alone. It sure feels like the whole world has moved on without me.
I don’t want to go if you don’t even want me there. How do you expect me to decline something that wasn’t even meant for me?
I’m really worried about not being able to blog as often as I would like. I desperately implore everyone to at least visit my twitter if you find my blog without any updates.
I haven’t been feeling well. Right now I don’t have anymore transport on my schedule, but a week ago it all came to a peak, and I found out how well I was able to handle it. Which wasn’t well at all. I gave in to exhaustion pretty quickly. Dragging myself out of bed still hurts all over, and it’s usually when I least expect it that my allergies will be out of control.
I went to the first day of the Padini Concept Store 3-day Sale. The markdowns were pretty amazing. I wish I could always have that happiness of shopping. It’s sad, because it’s just an illusion. It’s only temporary.
The reason I liked being around people who are opinionated and assertive is so that I don’t have to think for them. But the truth is, when everyone is always pushing their own agenda, there’s no room for you to be who you are. Sometimes existing is the only choice you have. Some people don’t even realize that they try to control how other people feel.
Well it’s that time of year again. It feels like the holiday season starts earlier and earlier each year. Right after halloween a certain house already started hanging up christmas lights. This year I don’t think i’ll be doing much of the holiday traditions – holiday shopping, taking photos at each mall, trying whatever new Christmas drink is available at Starbucks. I don’t think i’ll have time, and not having Alina around, there wouldn’t be much point. That’s me, living my life according to everyone else’s. It’s really sad that i’m wearing pretty much the same thing in every other photo.
I feel like there have been things that happened lately that made me feel better. For instance, Paige visited. I think feeling happiness after so long was something so unfamiliar. Unfortunately, all visits end, and seeing her leave wasn’t that great. I think there were some changes that allowed me to revisit past moments in my life and look at them, rather than hide from my feelings. There were a lot of things that didn’t change, such as this person that I really hate who continues to intrude where she doesn’t belong. I still have to live with certain betrayals that I continue to face. Constantly being in question about who you can trust is difficult. A lot of past traumatic experiences still have their pervading consequences, and it’s a struggle trying to provide the people around me with as much acting-normal as I can.
I really hope to go watch Horrible Bosses 2 as soon as possible. I know for a fact I won’t have time to go watch it if I wait too long. I was disappointed about Jen Aniston getting snubbed by the Independent Spirit Awards. Considering the cast for Cake, I was surprised that the film wasn’t featured in, for example the Palm Springs Film Festival, or maybe it could be attributed to the lack of trailer, until this week. I was really sad that my yfrog account was deleted – along with all my yfrog photos. There are also a lot of holes in my imageshack account. So many images are just missing. It’s a lesson in making sure you choose a secure service for image hosting.
As I have announced earlier this year, I will not be posting avidly on my instagram account. As I mentioned, I had a lot of experiences, and after going through so much, posting images on instagram doesn’t feel as fun as it used to be. I unfortunately still have a lot of reservations with my twitter account as well. I can’t seem to tweet as much as I used to, cause I know that I can never feel the same again, and I feel like pretending like nothing’s wrong only hurts. I am, however, still following people, and reading my feeds. I am grateful for the few new twitter followers I gained, and I think being able to look at twitter at all after facing so much despair as I did, is a huge step forward. I felt that enjoyment in reading my feed, which I wasn’t able to feel for a long time. I only today opened Photoshop again, and it’s been really long. I almost felt like I was looking directly at my past. I unfortunately don’t think i’ll have time to use Photoshop much anymore, and that makes me sad. Back when things were different, when i was able to feel happy, Photoshop was so much fun. I think it’s pretty insane that i’m still using my same laptop at all after 4 years.
All I want, all I ever wanted, is to know who are the people that I can trust, and to know for sure who are the people who care about me and want to be in my life. For someone to reach out to me, and take an interest in how I feel. For everything to finally mean something. Maybe i’ll know what it’s like for everyone else who always has someone to talk to, and have someone interested in what they have to say.
The thing is, everyone I see has people behind them. People backing them up, people they can go to, cause they have them. Everyone deserves that. To have someone who’s just there for you. In the face of adversity, you find out who your true friends are. Who are the people who care.
To the people who think that going home can temporarily keep you safe from the bullying, well, you’re wrong. Bullying doesn’t stop just because the perpetrator is physically a certain distance from you. You can break someone without even having to be there. In life you can run from shelter, but you won’t know for sure who your enemies are. A bully can be a mean kid at school. So if you’re done with school, you’ll never have to put up with that person again. But school makes it apparent. At school, you’re able to easily recognize who are the bullies, who are the enablers, who are the people standing up for you. At home, everyone is related to you. They are people you trust. You put your life in their hands. When you rely on people, it makes it difficult to recognize if they are bad for you. You can easily let yourself be bullied if you can’t recognize who the bullies are. If you can’t distinguish the people you can trust, and the people who really care about you.
It’s always nice to have company. But don’t put more value to it than it actually has. It may not be worth as much as you think.
I was thinking about the social privileges certain people enjoy and how they don’t think i’m affected by not enjoying their privileges. I didn’t know how to explain it, and then I found this from sigmaoctans.
People of any race or gender who earn tons of money have class privilege (they benefit greatly from what their money can buy them, even if they still might face racist, homophobic, or mysogynist reactions from the public). You can be privileged in one area of your life while being a minority in another. Its not anyone’s fault that they have a certain privilege, but its their responsibility to recognize what that privilege is getting you (which is, by definition, difficult to do with privilege) , and work to make sure those benefits are afforded to those outside your privilege group too.
I feel like my whole life is a constant competition of “no, I have it worse than you” and instead of having to beg people to see what I go through, I just want to see if there is someone aware and responsible of their privileges in this world.
I can’t believe i’m finding myself resorting to The McCarthys for entertainment. As if that wasn’t enough indication of how severe this is, i am also watching 2 Broke Girls. I don’t know what to do. I kind of feel like i’m waiting to die.
No one is going to come here and read any of this. No one is going to reach out to me and tell me that they want to talk to me. I’m just going to be talking to myself here for the rest of my life.
- 12:00 pm Pick up Adila from Proton
12:30 pm Drop off Adila on campus
5:00 pm Pick up Adila from campus
6:00 pm Send Adila to Teacher Yvonne’s house
7:00 pm Pick up Adila from Teacher Yvonne’s house
7:30 pm Take Ashraf to dental appointment
8:20 pm Drop off Ashraf at home
8:30 pm Send Adila to taipan
8:45 pm Send Ashraf to tuition
9:45 pm Pick up Ashraf from tuition
10:00 pm Pick up Adila from taipan
Okay I had a lot of spam comments to put up with. Those are the only comments I ever get these days.
This blog was supposed to be an easy way for anyone to catch up with me. Know what’s the latest. Registering with my blog is optional. You can still read it if you didn’t sign up. Hell, my tweets and instagram are open to the public too. There was always the question of why continue with a blog if no one reads it. It’s a very real issue. It is entirely possible that i’m doing all this for nothing. No one will want to know about me, not enough to actually read any of this. They’d rather make their own conclusions about me and assume they know me. Anyone who stumbles upon this certainly wouldn’t be impressed with what they find. In the past, it helped serve me as a reminder of who I was. And then a lot of my posts got deleted. I really miss those posts. Now I just trudge my way on as I always have, maybe it’s because it’s all I ever remembered doing, all I’ve ever known. Yet I don’t seem to be headed anywhere. A lot of people told me i’m still dwelling over the fallouts that I had. No one likes constantly reminding themselves of bad things that happened.
What you did to me doesn’t just go away after a while. You affected my whole life. I’m always going to live with wondering who I can trust. You’re going to meet a lot of people in this world. Everyone has their own problems. You can’t expect everyone to care about you. In fact, there are gonna be a lot of people who have to step on you to get what they want. Everyone wants something. There are gonna be people who only talk to you when they want something from you. What does your family want from you? Are you as important to your family as they are to each other? Are you a priority, and if so, to whom are you a priority?
Colleagues will not want your friendship. They have their own. When the people who you trust start conversation with an instruction when they talk to you, or only talk to you when they need you to do something for them, then you have to reevaluate your relationships.
A lot of things are going to happen at work. You are expected to cope with it. You have to meet demands and be productive. But who’s going to be there for you through it all?
Everyone has a professional life, but not everyone has a personal life. They may think they also have a personal life but it’s actually a mess. You don’t have to be imperfect to disappoint someone. You just have to make a decision about who is important to you. Who you wanna be there for. And that person who doesn’t make your list – he’s gonna be disappointed.
Humans were probably put here to live with each other, and find a way to coexist. But it’s clear now that they’re not here to help each other. There are going to be people who know you’re in trouble. There are going to be people who help you because of that. And the rest, why bother helping them?
I’ve been having problems with PictureShack, the image hosting service I use for some of my images. I originally did not want to rely on hosting too many images on my own subdomain so that I can have more free space, and I was cautious about the possibility of maxed-out bandwidth from direct linking by others. I was making GIFs and the individual file size is very large, and especially at the time, too much so for Imgur. So i relied on PictureShack which had a higher size limit for each image. Unfortunately, the PictureShack server was down on many occasions, and my blog would end up with broken links until their servers were up again. Fortunately, recently imgur has also increased their upload size limit so I can migrate my GIFs there.
Please find my latest photos on my PicYou account. For the past few months I have been posting on instagram at a reduced frequency. I started with instagram in 2011, and I liked what it originally was. It’s obviously really different now. If it wasn’t, I would’ve felt comfortable enough to change back to my original instagram username – my preferred one. I was going to make a WeHeartIt account, and was also deciding between EyeEm and SnapSeed, but considering that I already had my PicYou account for over a year, I decided to make it that place where I more avidly post photos. Using PicYou gives me more cross-platform freedom, as I can also upload photos from my laptop. Not many people still use their laptops as often as I do, but I rely on my laptop a lot, obviously, since I am doing blogposts on my laptop. Because of the limitations that I face with my phone, I inevitably have to upload everything onto my laptop. I have always been available to people on many portals. For example, I was on twitter since 2010. You can also find me on WeChat, Oovoo, LINE, Tango, KakaoTalk, and SnapChat by the same username.
Finding out what people say to each other isn’t actually pleasant. But it’s often necessary. It’s the only way to know the truth.
I’ve made it clear, numerous times, I don’t want to go near anyone fake. If you’re only pretending to want to talk to me so that you can get me to do stuff for you, then please be prepared for me to talk about you.
I’ve spent years just sitting here alone in my room. There’s a lot that I don’t want. There’s a lot that I don’t like. I have no choice but to be burdened by bad experiences because I can’t afford to have them happen again.
I see how people have friends and how they conversation with each other. Of course I want that too. But i can’t settle either. Everyone deserves to be loved. So I deserve to stay away from people I hate.
Happy October! This year is really different. It’s pretty crazy. Last october I was miserable and really sad about a lot of stuff. This year I have different reasons to be miserable, so the fact that I don’t have to continue being miserable about the same things is great.
I don’t want everyone to leave and for me to be left alone here. Everything that happens to me, and everything I do because of it, is because I have no choice. I really wanted to go to Marche by movenpick, WIP, and Plan B. Even if I get a chance to go to Alexis it would at least be something!
I can’t believe i’ve been using my laptop for 4 years already. Raya Haji is this weekend. Where will everyone sit? Or rather, who will actually come? What will they eat? I can’t believe this is a raya photo from 5 years ago. I wonder if everything really was as simple as it seemed back then.
Very few people will be there for you until the end. The people you care about are either taken from you or driven away. I have to be careful about who I trust. I made many mistakes, and I had to learn the hard way that not everyone talks to you because they are concerned about you. When things are good, it’s easy for someone to assure you that they’ll always be there. You can have people to turn to. But that’s totally different from having people who will actually be there for you. It’s scary, but no one will hesitate to leave you behind. Because they have their eyes on their prize. No one’s going to look back at you. You have to be the one to turn to them, and have a plan in case you’re disappointed. Being a disappointment to others does not exempt you from being disappointed by others. And the same person can do both to you.
It’s that time of year again, and we’re graced by yet another single from T-ara. I never thought I would write about it. If anything, the return of Nashville should be something that I write about – the emotional affliction of a desperate and abandoned Juliet while Rayna makes a difficult choice between Luke and Deacon. In fact, entertainment-wise, the premiere of Greys’ final season deserves a whole recap and analysis blogpost. Speaking of Shonda Rhimes, there’s also the pilot of the much-anticipated How to Get Away With Murder. I wonder when i’ll get around to watching either of these. Anyway, last year, T-ara’s Number Nine really resonated with me. Especially considering everything that was going on and that i’m still going through now. Sugar Free shows that a person no matter how strong doesn’t simply walk out of a bad experience, and your interaction with people is the first thing to be affected and the last thing to be mended.
My data gets renewed in 2 days! Now that i’m older, there aren’t many things to look forward to anymore. When so many things have lost their novelty, and bad experiences plague your day-to-day errands, you resort to celebrating reaching home before your phone battery runs out. At the same time, you dread the approaching new day, which no longer feels as much like a clean slate as it used to.
I have to decide for myself what’s important to me. But I never got the chance to. Ever since I was young, i was always told that everyone else has it harder, and that I shouldn’t want anything more. Completing a given task is always more important than anything I could want to do for myself. I value my time, but their time is more valuable.
“All I want is to have friends like a normal person with a normal life”
It was always made very clear to me whether or not I was normal. And if I deserved any of the perks normal people had. Friends and time with them. Those are such valuable privileges. Looking at everyone around me, I was really jealous. At first I didn’t care that it wasn’t allowed to me. But because a normal life wasn’t a privilege that was mine, it was all taken away from me.
Doing something for someone makes you vulnerable. You have to be careful and guard yourself. My mom told me that I should learn to say no. But rules only work for the person who made them up.
When I had to spend most of 2004 and 2005 in Sungai Buloh, I didn’t realise how distance affects you. A task of simply spending weekends and holidays at another house sounded simple. But there were so many things still up in the air. There was so much uncertainty, and seeing someone’s behaviour to you in that circumstance can teach you a lot. Seeing someone act on their priorities teaches you how much you matter to them. I followed my family for a family vacation in 2007 and 2008. I was naive, and allowed myself to walk into something I already was very apprehensive about. Discovering your apparent purpose to someone leaves a mark on you, for a very long time. If there’s one thing I could have changed, it would be to ask for help less. Because everyone expects something in return. But they will never give you anything for helping them. Do not ever assume that a person will remember what you did for them. Experiences help you to learn to make better choices in the future. And since I had a lot of bad experiences, I should know who to speak to, who to trust, and where not to go.
Well I can’t be friends with someone if they’re friends with my enemy. Growing up, my mom told me to be thankful for my siblings, that i’m lucky to have been born into such a big family. But I want to know the truth. It’s strategic to make me put my family first. And thanks to what I was taught, that’s all I have in this world. Literally. I have no other choice than my family. I don’t have 504 friends at my disposal – no amount of facebook friends I could have would ever come near to as much. I’m not in an elite clique of socialites that are known by an acronym name. I was made to believe that there are people that I can’t exist without. But it was made very clear to me that everyone else can exist without me. Everyone would get along fine without me, and I was constantly reminded of that. There was nothing that I brought to the table that someone else couldn’t. No one else would ever care about me as much as my family does. Because no one else would give me the time of day. This is as good as it would ever get for me. And if I don’t like it, there wouldn’t be any point looking for anything else cause there would be nothing better. No one else would feel i’m worth anything. Except maybe a menial task. Or two. People can easily replace me. Because they made sure I can’t replace them. That I had no other choice.
Well, today Adila is at a festival with her anime society. Aniza is doing her art assignment with her friends. Ashraf is going to a house party tonight. And that just leaves me. Of course, as usual, I don’t have any plans for my saturday night. No invitations, nothing. Thinking back to all the things my mom said to me since I was little about always having someone there for you in a big family, and being able to rely on your brothers and sisters; all I can say is, so this is what it’s like. I suppose it feels nice. Sitting by myself in this room. There have been people who have hurt me and humiliated me. They got away with it. They were rewarded for it. They’re much happier for it. Everyone wants them, not me. And tonight, everyone is going to spend their saturday night with people who care about them. They’re going to have fun with their friends. And they’ll have those fond memories forever. While I wait here.
Once again, a blogpost with no comments. Not that I would need to announce that. Because no one would read it. Time and time again, everything that happens in my life shows me that no one reads my blog. I mean, had they read it, they would certainly have something to say about what I wrote. Or at least not ask me a question to which they could have got the answer simply by reading a few lines from one of my posts. Everything I want is too much to expect from everyone else. But nothing I do is good enough for anyone. It’s just really hurtful for people to constantly expect things from me while they could never so much as read at least my latest post. How come it’s only important if someone else needs something? I can’t be begging for help my whole life. Surely there’s someone in this world who actually wants to talk to me. Read More
I finally took the leap. I cleared out my photo album on my phone. After uploading all my photos onto my laptop of course. It was ridiculous. The only way to delete all the photos was to select them one by one. I have already searched the support forums and could not find a more convenient way to do it. There were methods such as using the settings pathway. But that didn’t work. All i ever wanted was to feel free and unburdened. The reason i hung on to them was because I constantly needed photographic evidence whenever I need to get my point across, which wouldn’t happen if people would believe what I say. Or at least people whom I thought cared about me. Why does CineApps Malaysia not work anymore? Or am I finding this out 2 years too late?
Okay. Independence day weekend 2014. It was actually okay. I ate at Sakae Sushi. I wasn’t alone, like last year. But for things to get better, comes with a price tag. This is my blog. And i must acknowledge that there was a recent passing in my extended family. Life is always going to be unexpected, and you never know when things are going to get better or worse. It’s really tough. People tell me all the time, life is too short to be enemies with people. Well, life is also too short to make up and pretend to be friends with people I hate. Just so that they can betray me again. It’s really true. Life is way too short for me to spend even a moment with people I don’t trust. So please think carefully before you ask me or whatsapp me for your next menial task. Life is way too short to suppress myself from bitching about people who manipulate me. Or rather, who totally deserve it. You want to tell me I shouldn’t be spending my days constantly plotting my revenge? Well how about you apologize and settle things once and for all.
I absolutely blame society for this depraved technologically-addicted culture. If people would just reach out to me and catch up with me over coffee or lunch, then I wouldn’t be waiting on a text all day. If people didn’t expect me to be available via whatsapp 24 hours a day, then I could use a much cheaper, durable, and simpler phone. My life would be so much simpler if i didn’t have whatsapp. I feel like whoever invented it just wanted to make me miserable. Now a text message is the extent of one’s interaction with me. So much for people ever showing up for you.
Independence day was also the deadline for a certain phone trade in. Which turned out to be out of stock anyway. What a waste of time. I will never be able to find another option for me that’s affordable and functional. Even if it was way over-budget and my mom was willing to drop some major cash for me, great functional technology is not available to mere peasants like me. You have to have connections and know people. So that the elite remain who they are.
Okay, I am pretty happy with Pretty Little Liars right now. I guess I always have been. I’ve started to look forward to it even more than Revenge and Once Upon a Time. Lucy Hale won Choice TV Actress Drama for her role as Aria Montgomery at the 2014 Teen Choice Awards. Ashley Benson won Choice Summer TV Star Female, which is huge. Right at the beginning of No One Here Can Love or Understand Me; episode eleven of Pretty Little Liars, all the build-up from the previous episode of going to the police to out Alison was immediately thwarted by yet another threat from A.
I’m deciding between Xiaomi Mi3, Alcatel OneTouch, or a Huawei as a replacement for my phone. Having a permanent call history despite turning off my phone as well as battery life is really important to me. Too bad I have no money. This could be a lesson in replacing things — if i’m not careful, I could end up being replaced. It has certainly been made very clear that what I have to offer really isn’t that much, the tasks I do really aren’t difficult, and that anyone could replace me and do a much better job of everything.
Schedule 12 August 2014
- 10:00 am Buy art supplies at big bookshop
- 10:30 am Send Adila to proton
- 12:40 pm Send Aniza to school
- 5:00 pm Fetch Adila from proton
- 6:30 pm Fetch Aniza from school
- 8:00 pm Send Adila to Yamaha
- 9:00 pm Send Ashraf to tuition
- 9:15pm Pick up Adila from Yamaha
- 10:00pm Pick up Ashraf from tuition
I found that whenever someone is asking me something, the explanation for it is usually not true. I hate that there are people who look at others not necessarily as human beings, but as stepping stones, or just a means to an end. I realize that as long as I give them what they want – be it a favour, or simply information – it makes no difference to them what they had to say to get it from me. As long as I believe it and comply. It always ends up being my fault for trusting them. Or my fault for doing something because I felt that I had to, or knowing that I didn’t want to do it. That’s not fair. I don’t know who to trust, and how should I know? People see that I can be vulnerable when i’m not with my sisters, and they shouldn’t be taking advantage of that. Going through this my whole life, you would think that i’ve learned my lesson. But a person doesn’t need to be subjected to manipulation that many times in order to condition them into submissive behaviour. If you’re not careful, you’ll become known as easy prey – and frequently targetted because of it.
Okay, what i really want to watch is Step Up All In. I mean, omg, i’ve always loved the step-up movies, but I was always too busy to go watch them. And I really want to download Fling – message the world. And I haven’t downloaded we heart it. Or maybe i should replace my phone before doing all this, cause as it stands, i barely have enough data capacity for my existing apps. I can’t wait to renew my MPH card! I don’t know why I never thought of enjoying those privileges earlier. Now that just leaves activating my PLUSMiles card that I bought two years ago but have now fallen into the hands of someone else. If i only knew what to do about that CIMB threat that I got. It really isn’t my fault that my account has been inactive for so long. Sometimes your life just does that to you!
Okay, I was at this open house yesterday. And it didn’t go as well as I hoped. I did not get an indoor seat like I hoped. And there wasn’t enough time to thoroughly enjoy the food, thanks to a certain person who decided to drag everyone home just cause she wanted to take yet another of her naps. I so couldn’t with her for the rest of the day because of what she did, and I learned my lesson of not trusting or going along with people who do not care if you’re there.
I really need photoshop. I need it back. I miss the level adjustment panels and sliders.
I forgot the things I used to do for fun. I vaguely remember listening to music. I watched everyone take group photos at the movies, while I missed out on Divergent, Winter Soldier, Spiderman, X-men, Maleficent, Godzilla, and Fault in Our Stars. I even forgot what it was I liked to eat. If i even can eat out anymore, thanks to everyone’s boycott of almost everything.
I have not much to keep me entertained besides overplaying Hilary Duff’s Chasing the Sun. Which is amusing because it sounds exactly like her previous song I Can’t Wait, but other than that is really boring, thanks in part to it being written by Colbie Caillat.
This sunday is Prof Datuk Dr’s open house. Oh dear, what do I wear?
Okay, so MBLAQ is gonna be at Pavillion tomorrow for the K-Festival, but I don’t know if I really wanna go. I only know a few of their songs, and getting to Pavillion and back is a challenge, especially on a weekend.
Okay so this is my 235th post. Yesteday my uncle, @akah1956 visited, and dropped off a birthday present for me! I can’t believe that after so long, he still remembered, and thought of me. I had to rush off to send Adila for music class 5 minutes later, not that I ever have much to say anyway. Unfortunately, it’s been a pretty rough past year, and although it was really great seeing him, something that nice is sadly not enough to make things any better. So much has happened, and after what i’ve seen I can’t be the same again. I guess people are always going to ask why my gaze seems distant, or why i keep looking away.
I think it’s good that I spent new year’s eve and new year’s day alone, because it really puts things into perspective. You should never let someone make you believe that they care about you, you have to decide that for yourself. Don’t expect someone to be there for you just because you were there for them. You must decide what it is you want, and if that isn’t it, then you have to speak up. I should be comfortable enough to trust a person before allowing myself to. I shouldn’t do anything out of obligation. I know what I look for in a person, so I shouldn’t believe someone who tells me that no one will care about me more than they do. I shouldn’t let someone tell me what I am worth. I have to know it myself.
Family is important. You read that and hear it a lot. But what you have to pay attention to, is what family means. They may be people who are related to you, but if they don’t care about you or have been there for you, then maybe you need to reconsider who really is important to you.
Who knows, someone might be reading my blog. If not, then I guess I was wrong to think that anyone cares about me. I know that i’m going to keep posting blogposts here. Misty has been there for me and hosted my blog all these years, so I know this is something worth keeping, and that she’s someone worth trusting.
It’s great to have a relationship with your dad, but if you don’t, that’s okay. You don’t have to seek affirmation and validation about yourself from your dad. Today’s definition of family is very different. Or rather, the state of today’s family is very different. There are a variety of reasons for me not to want to have an ongoing father-son relationship with my dad, and so I don’t need to feel that i’m better than him to not want to spend time with him.
Last year I had the worst Hari Merdeka ever. This year, no matter how badly my raya or merdeka day goes, i’m still going to celebrate my birthday, eat food, and watch a movie. What I realized is that circumstances are really difficult, and rather than allowing myself to be a slave to them and be defeated by the memories of how it went last year, I should take every chance I have on those public holidays to do things that I’ve longed to do. Everyone else will just have to understand.
Another thing that’s important is that there were people who, throughout my difficult times this past year, actually talked to me and treated me like a human. Many of them only spoke to me a few times, and did not contact me following that. I want to acknowledge that there were a few people who showed some kindness to me, doing it without anything to gain, without any obligation, and sparing the time despite the difficult circumstances. They of course have their own lives and probably won’t be whatsapping with me, I’ve learnt not to expect so much. I know now, that because I have experienced these interactions, that I don’t want to settle for being someone that you only call when there’s something i’m useful for. I think it means that I have a chance at real human interaction, and I think it’s worthwhile for me to look for it. Everyone sees me as this hermit desperate to hide himself from being judged, who’s not worth including in activities, but I shouldn’t care about that, and I should just do what I want because I feel like i’m worth it.
I don’t know what i’m going to do. Raya is around the corner. That time of year when everyone takes selfies of themselves with perfect hair and makeup. And i’m just there. That time of year when everyone gets together and shares all the wonderful things they’ve accomplished. I don’t know how i’ll endure the humiliation. I did go through so much, it’s been a really tough decade, but I have nothing to show for it. I wish i could have some mercy. I wish someone would throw me a bone.
Honestly, I blame myself for always showing up loyally. I should stop deceiving myself into thinking that my sacrifice in participating int he happy family show will earn it’s reward eventually. If there’s something that you don’t want to do, you have to speak up, don’t just keep quiet, and don’t expect anyone to help you. I have made so much effort to show up whenever my extended family expected me to be there. I have learned now, just because i make myself do something, it doesn’t mean i’m going to be commended for it. I won’t be coming for raya anymore. Unfortunately they will just have to understand. It’s not nice to let them down, but I have to help myself for the moment. In the future, who knows, maybe I will be able to show up more diligently.
I sound so old for complaining about technology. The truth is, people hate other people. They don’t want to say things in person anymore. People can just look at my last seen on whatsapp to know what I was or was not doing. But when i look at other people’s last seen, i still don’t know if it means they really weren’t online, or are just ignoring me.
The Carters are a brand, and an unfortunate under-the-bus throwing happened to protect it. This could have been a completely random act of violence. It could have been an added chapter to a history of conflict between two people. So Jay was on the receiving end of some violence, but a body guard was present. He would have been completely fine regardless what was done to him — this represented less danger to him than if he were someone much smaller or weaker. Let’s not pretend that he was afraid, or in any real jeopardy. Solange was completely disregarded, it’s as if she wasn’t even there. If she needs help, of which she wouldn’t be the first person to anyway, then that should be the goal rather than the bad press. If this was something routine, then they shouldn’t have accepted it in the beginning and then choose now to hang her out to dry if at all.
Lindsay made a close to an eight-part story arc of post rehab footage, but she’s well on her way to the next chapter in rebuilding her career. I’d like to think i’m looking at this realistically. There are photos, and there are things said on camera. Other than that there are reports. From all of it, there are a few things that can be extracted as evidence.
I think we can all agree that your sobriety is private. No one really knows the number of days sober for any individual.
There were missed filming days. That’s a fact. Along with call times that were not met. We know that camera crew had to wait outside on a number of occasions, but we don’t know exactly what was being done while they waited. There was footage of a game of dare taken at 7:21 am, but we can’t say for sure exactly what was happening in the hours leading up to it. There are also reports about what happened at Coachella, which no doubt is convincing to many, but it’s without photographic or video evidence.
What I think was revealed fully, was the struggle in maintaining a relationship with your parents when they’re divorced. No child wants to take sides. Maybe what she says isn’t always true, but we saw for ourselves the conversations that she had with each parent. No single mother has it easy. Family is an important factor in anyone’s recovery. It’s clear from the footage, that these family relationships are complicated.
Alcohol dependence is scary, but that’s hardly ever really all a patient is afflicted with. We could all benefit from rehab, meditation, and psychotherapy. Ultimately any patient with a disease needs to be able to live in the community, and society has an impact on this adaptation.
I am so sorry for what I did. I was in severe panic after I realized my mistake. Jun Ee told me to calm down cause no one took it seriously. I don’t know why I do such stupid things. It’s because I wasn’t thinking that I ended up in this mess.
I don’t know. I was tired, I was hungry, I was super stressed about my whereabouts being known by people whom I didn’t get a chance to explain to on my own, being in this lonely situation without anyone to talk to (in person), a certain flooring situation, garbage disposal, the state of my room. There were so many things going on, it’s impossible for me to know what exactly is the cause for my amazingly bad judgement. Because anyone would tell me that i’ve always been like that, and it has nothing to do with so many things piling up at once. I clearly can’t cope with everything that’s going on. Everyone can see that. Everyone knows it. I obviously need someone to help me with things. Like i’ve said many times in previous posts, people like to be in my life because they want to watch a train wreck.
Every day I dread tomorrow. There’s just so much uncertainty about everything all the time.
Once upon a time, S asked me to meet either during or after lunch to talk about something we were supposed to be working on. Then, i told S that I was going to lunch with C and that i’ll go over the thing with her when i get back. I wasn’t driving, and neither was C and I was taken around for a good 2 hours, effectively blowing off S. I apologised to her and told her it’s cause I wasn’t driving. And then I talked to V and she said that maybe subconsciously I wanted to sabotage her cause I didn’t like her, especially after the things that she did. I was very worried. About what I was capable of. I thought I was making progress. I thought I was taking steps to being an honest person. There is something that is making me do things to people without thinking of the consequences. Or probably, knowing that I shouldn’t but doing it anyway.
There are clearly unresolved things in my past. I clearly have an issue with one family member. There are just things that I have never let go until now. And because of that a lot of people around me are affected. Very often i’m afraid to say it. I don’t think i want to have a relationship with my dad. I still hold a grudge towards him. I know it’s not good to be so angry at someone for so much of my life, but I don’t want to let it go. I don’t seem to. I have been looking for a chance for my revenge on him ever since I could remember. I’ve had a lot of fights with my dad. I’ve cried and screamed and shouted a lot. Am I still throwing a tantrum? Is all that family conflict something that builds character in someone? Is my constant need for someone’s approval and susceptibility to being used related to my experiences with my dad? Is all that family conflict a phase that should be over by now? Is going through something like that a part of growing up? Do I realize who i’ve made suffer because of it? There is a lot going on, there is a lot wrong with me. Most days I hide under the covers. Unwilling to face the reality, of the bounds of things I have to change about myself. I don’t know where to start. And then, you’ll tell me the most important thing is to start, even if it’s anywhere.
I will never know what it was I wanted from my dad. At one point of my life, I wanted him to change. At another point in my life, I wanted him to realize what he did and apologize to the corresponding people for it. I know that right now I want to see him suffer for what he did. I know that it’s not right. A part of me feels like it’s because i’ve lived with him my whole life, that no one else can possibly know what he really is.
Go ahead, push me. Dole out that tough love that is so good at making everyone else build character and change for the better. Disregard the fact that sometimes facing it before you even get back up on your own two feet will overwhelm you. You can rationalize all you want and say that you’re motivating me. There are many ways and many directions that you can push a person. You can just as easily push them right off a cliff. I’d like to see how you sleep at night then.
Everything that I was supposed to have watched but missed out on instead
- Identity Thief
- Beautiful Creatures
- Something Borrowed
- I Don’t Know How She Does It
- Spring Breakers
- That Awkward Moment
- The Big Wedding
- The English Teacher
- The Way Way Back
- The Heat
- Much Ado About Nothing
- Grown Ups 2
- Girl Most Likely
It’s Friday and i’m just here. Existing. Dreading what’s to come. I guess I should prepare myself for the worst birthday of my life. I miss those days when I knew what was going on in the world. When I was hydrated and rested. When good things could still happen to me.
Last year, I sat down to dinner with a girl who bought me donuts, a girl who showed up even though she was exhausted and still had to pick up her parents from the airport, a guy who stood apart from people who judged me, and a girl whom I put all my trust into. They put a candle into one of the doughnuts and took photos for me, and everything seemed almost perfect. But that was only because I didn’t know the truth. They were not my real friends. They have not spoken to me for months. It’s like they’ve completely forgotten about me. I thought everything was fine. I allowed myself to believe in false reassurance. Now I know the truth, and now I know how bad that really was. I see now that the conversation we had that time was out of obligation. We didn’t actually have anything to talk about. Now that I know the truth, I realise that the conversation was more awkward than it seemed back then. The whole thing was contrived. It was a completely artificial situation and no one was sincere. It was all false. They were doing a charity for me. But that one day was the extent of what seemed to be a friendship.
Then why do I miss them? Why do I miss that? Not knowing the truth? Just because ignorance is bliss? I can never sit down to a conversation and speak the same again. I will always have a guilt in my heart, knowing that I don’t deserve anything anymore. I can never sit down to watch pretty little liars the same way again. Not with that nagging feeling, that knowing, that I am in deep debt. Because of what i’ve done. And there doesn’t seem to be a way that I can make up for anything or erase what happened.
I can’t be with the rest of humanity anymore. No one will ever look at me the same. All I can do is watch while the rest of the world moves on with their lives. I thought that after more than two decades of living, I would have found somewhere or some way where people could feel welcome, where people could feel like they’re appreciated, like they don’t owe anything to anyone, with nothing to constantly apologize for, people could feel like they’re a part of something. I don’t know if anything could ever make things right again. The car accidents were bad enough. Turning around and discovering that I had no friends beside me was bad enough. There’s so much that I pushed to the back of my mind. I just kept running, but everything’s going to catch up to me, and soon. I don’t know what I’d do then. I feel like everyone’s waiting to see the disaster that’s going to happen. I don’t want to go to prison.
Everyone has their value. Everyone has something to offer. Was I looking to be used? Was it because of my misguided need to seek approval? Do I sabotage myself? Letting people use me was one thing. If I was going to do that then I shouldn’t have complained about those people later. I think what it really indicates is how lost I was, and how desperate I was for human interaction. And there were people who flat-out manipulated me without me even knowing what’s going on, without me being able to say no at all. There were many people who just trapped me, whether or not I let them. You could say I was a victim of my own bad judgement, but that was only true half of the time. I was also victim of some pretty horrible people. Who, of course knew exactly how to look sweet and sociable to the rest of the world.
Am I aware of the patterns I fall into? Do I allow certain things to block me from making a change? I thought I knew. Some people think I do everything on purpose, and that’s really unfair of them to say. I think right now, more than ever, not only have I seen myself being condemned by people who don’t know the whole truth, but i’m also seeing it happen to other people. If you’re going to tell someone “Okay, you know what your problem is” the least you can do is find out the truth about them first. And what’s worse is that i’ve seen people just eat it up and relive everything that person said about them, and think that it came from such insight.
I feel like I just live for people’s amusement, so they can look at my life and laugh at me. Look at what I went through and shake their heads at me. So they can know what I am and feel better about themselves. Maybe I was never alone. Everyone was always around, always there to judge. Everyone has so much to say, everyone has their opinions and has so much time to share. Everyone likes to put in all this effort when it comes their turn to chide me for what i’ve made with my life. And that has always been the extent of their involvement.
I have never seen any evidence disproving that people find it fun to look at my situation and tell me how bad they think it is. I can’t even expect pity anymore. Just amusement. They do! They like finding out what’s going on with me so they can laugh about how pathetic I am. No one’s given me any reason to believe otherwise. Suffice to say people who have gone on to better things and had great things happen to them have forgotten about me.
Didn’t you promise me that you wanted to be friends with me no matter what? Didn’t you say to me that as my family you’d do anything for me? Do you even want to know what i’m going through? Did the thought of me even cross your mind? Or how i’d feel?
Okay it’s been a really tumultuous past few years. I’m not just talking about the car accidents, all the fall outs that I had with almost everyone i ever had in my life, and everything that was going on in the world that I missed. Seeing all the interactions between people I trusted with people i hated really shocked me. Talking to someone that you told me was going to be gone and out of our lives forever is one thing. Being super BFFs with them is another. And I, only being able to watch, completely helpless, unable to stop it, without anyone listening to me, that’s the worst part. I’m forced to watch this go on and on. She totally knew that I had no choice but to trust her with everything. And she still went behind my back and did that as if it was so direly necessary. A person comes around, ruins your life, leaves, and then allows you to think that it’s gonna be over, but actually they’re still making you miserable from thousands of miles away. At first, you think, oh I guess they just talk from time to time. And then, they just contact each other more often, in more ways, and become so much closer? And then I start to think that if the person I thought I trusted is so willing to be such close friends with my nemesis, then what does that say about my choices and who I put my trust in? Spending national day and malaysia day wallowing in my tears, christmas and new years alone at home; all of it made clear how prepared I am to spend the rest of my life alone. I may not be a wailing mess right now, but I still feel exactly the same I did that day. Even if it didn’t get better, I was far from prepared for it to get worse. N calls it Murphy’s Law. Rolls eyes. I can’t believe information about where I was got leaked to people who had absolutely no business knowing. They had nothing to do with any of this. Because I know how this looks to someone who doesn’t really have anything to do with it, I know that them knowing is only going to make them worry unnecessarily. I kept the details of my car accident only in my immediate family for that very reason. My whereabouts no longer being secret doesn’t mean anyone is going to come looking for me, cause let’s face it, when I was within convenient range for everyone it’s not like they wanted to take an interest anyway. I feel like i’ve lost so much already. The last thing I need was for me to lose all my secrets too. I’m like trying to hold on to something, looking for something that I could even grasp. But I have nothing left. My nemesis won. Game over. Well it wasn’t a game for me, this was my life! And she had to play god and decide on a whim that she wants to ruin it.
If you read my blog, then you would have gone through this, this, and this link. If you’ve never been through to any of those URLs then clearly you don’t even know my name or who i am. Which means that the only reason you’re reading this blog is if someone opened it on your computer and then left it there. Or someone forced you to read it. There are ways of keeping updated about me. If you read my blog, you would know that Orange Is The New Black is my only exception to violence on tv. Save for Buffy and Angel. If you wanted to know how I am or what’s going on with me, you would have read on twitter that I am so hanging on to every minute of Lindsay on OWN TV. If you want me to make everything convenient and easy for you, then clearly you wouldn’t have ever read any of this in the first place, and I probably would never speak to you.
- for that dreaded event next week to never come
- my debts paid
- for my secrets taken back unleaked
- for someone to read my blog
- for someone to read my tweets
- for someone to pick up their phone and call me
- for someone to want to see with their eyes what it is i go through
- for my revenge on those who took from me and humiliated me
- for someone to save me from these horrible circumstances so I can finally watch all those movies I missed out on
- IPL hair removal
- actually I just want everything to end, so I can finally rest
Okay so 2014 happened. It’s the new year. Whether I like it or not. No matter how much it upsets me. Should I thank everyone who tweeted me on new years eve? Shall I give a heartfelt thanks to everyone who commented on my posts and wished me happy new year?
I know all of this seems really contradicting. I don’t know what to do. I never wanted to be around people for the sake of being around people. I didn’t want to be the one who only says hi when it’s new years eve or raya, or when I need something. But the real problem, ever since I could remember, was that I never had anyone on my side to begin with. Sure, beggars can’t be choosers. I never said I was good at begging.
If I was so happy with everything that turned out in my life, if I was so successful, I think people would have known about it. I think I would have made it known. Well. The school counselor had me taken away in the middle of class to have an on-the-spot follow-up. The whole world could see that something was clearly wrong. I was dealing with something, it was obvious. When I was 15 and I stopped piano lessons, I was never really the same. I thought I was carrying on better with more free time, but quitting piano was just an indication that something has been going on with me for a while. My life was slowly unraveling. And after all the bullying, followed by the car accident three years later, I couldn’t face people in the same way again.
Should i have made plans instead of be alone these past weeks? Sure. Did everyone celebrate without me cause they weren’t even aware I existed? Yea, I didn’t tell them. Do I realize that I should appreciate the privacy that I have cause otherwise people would just be sticking their nose in my business to find a subject to talk about and mock? Yea definitely. Then how come I feel like this? The world basically abandoned me. How am I expected to feel about that?
No, i’m not happy – far from it. Yes, i do have things to be thankful for such as my life, my health, a roof over my head, the meal I had today. I’m desperately reaching out to my cousins, the only people who whatsapped me back saying happy new year. But i’m being 100% honest when I say that this beyond the worst new year’s eve ever. Tonight at midnight i’m going to be alone at home, in bed, staring at the ceiling. No gathering, no friends, no photos of which to post. I have nothing. I had to watch everyone else be with the people they care about and talk about the plans that they’ve made to celebrate everything they’ve achieved this year. Instagram is gonna be full of everyone’s new year’s eve photos. I’m having dinner by myself at home. No countdown, and I don’t even know what other people are doing to celebrate. I don’t even know what’s going on in the world, cause I have no one to hear about it from. No twitter replies, and look at my blogposts. Half of the comments are by me. If it wasn’t for my younger sister I wouldn’t have any at all. Sure, I have my family. But guess what? They’re not even by my side! I’m completely alone today and tomorrow.
Everything that happened this year, the loss, the pain, the frustration, the disaster, I don’t know what i’m supposed to have left or how to go on. I lost so much, it’s been so hard. I hated this year. And after all this struggle I still couldn’t make anything better. I’m in exactly the same state I was in that day on 29 August. How can I go onto 2014 if i’m still not done trying to fix everything that happened to me in 2013? I can’t move forward like everyone else after everything that’s happened.
Everyone else has so much to be excited for. So much to look forward to. So much to be happy about. And it’s all being wrapped nicely for them. Everyone else has new lives, new beginnings to wake up to tomorrow. 2013 came and just ate away at my self-confidence, leaving me to feel completely lost and alone. And now it’s just going to end and leave me. With nothing.
Well just because i’m better off alone doesn’t mean I like it. I wish I was like all those populars cause they’re so cheerful and fun to hang out with, that people couldn’t leave them alone if they tried. I wish I could have that kind of personality so that I could be accepted. I was never able to copy the correct behaviour that society expected of me. I want to end this struggle that I have had my whole life. I could never pretend well enough to be normal. I always be myself instead. The populars always have something funny to say, they’re always making fun plans. Together. Those are the girls who always had people around them and was constantly in conversation. To be in constant adoration. I’ll never know what it’s like to be those people.
At least being alone lets me hear my own thoughts. At least I have some space to exist. Since I don’t know how else to be other than myself, I need that privacy to not be pressured into doing something that i don’t want to. Or be told how to think and what to feel. I suppose I should take advantage of this. And just breathe.
Just because I get to be with my family and take lots of photos and eat lots of food and see places, doesn’t mean i’m going to enjoy stressful arrangements packing and long plane rides. Just because I opt out in order to avoid the stressful packing and travel itineraries doesn’t mean i’m happy to forego the trip either. In my life, everything’s always been damned if you do, damned if you don’t. And then people will tell me, since you’re still damned, then might as well do it! And then i’m just left to exhale sharply in exasperation. No one believes me, but my hands are tied! This isn’t a choice that I get to make, i’m just a slave to circumstance. Everything that happened in my life forced me to make decisions that i’m never necessarily happy with. I mean have none of you ever been in debt before? So here I am.
I feel that I am badly in need of people. But everyone seems to leave. Maybe I need legal council with me at all times. That might even make up for my indifference to what people say to me or what’s happening around me.
This year was the first youtube music awards. This year my coutnry had a general election. It was also the year that Nelson Mandela, Paul Walker, and Cory Monteith passed away.
There’s nothing about my life that I would want to celebrate. I’m certainly not going to celebrate my birthday next year. After everything that i’ve been through this past year, all I ended up with is disappointment. Not that it didn’t happen before. Which is why i’m starting to think that maybe that’s all i’ll ever have in my life.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve lost so much already. The past few months have been really hard. I feel like everyone is leaving me. I don’t have many people in my life. I usually spend my weekends at home. I’m just in a really bad place, and I don’t know how much more I can take.
I don’t think there’s any use talking about it anymore. I think it’s way past that now. I don’t think I can get myself out from under this. It clearly was never something i could handle all by myself. I don’t know if anyone would ever save me. Is my only hope now a miracle to fall into my lap?
My 2013 in review. Easy. It’s without a doubt the worst year in my whole life. Ever. Totally sucks. And i’m hating every second of it right now. I went from taking photos and having lunch with friends to no one speaking to me. Forget about shows that I liked getting cancelled. I have no reason to watch any other shows anymore. Do i even have a reason to do anything else anymore? Worst part is that everything bad that happened in this year is going to constantly follow me for every subsequent year in my whole life. This year was just so bad that it put me under all this tragedy that i’ll never be able to get out from. I hate being me. All i can do now is watch people sitting at their tables with their loved ones, enjoying their food and each other’s company, talking about everything they accomplished this year, spending their new year’s eve the way they want to spend the rest of their following year. I’ll just be here, watching in envy as the rest of the world goes by, everyone has a life that they built for themselves. and they get to reap their rewards and share it with the people who care about them.
I know that this is my life and I can change it. Everything that’s happened made me really sad. A lot of the time i’m really numb. But now and again, i’m going to be angry too. Call me a @#$% if you want, i’ve been called everything else. I don’t know how else i’m supposed to react. I don’t know how else i’m supposed to be. I’m a mess, and I doubt that anything’s going to make it better.
It’s amazing what people try to control when they feel like they’re not in control.
How do you think I would feel? Why would you want me to act like i’m fine? The more i pretend i’m happy, the worse i’ll feel. Yes you can say no, it’s your life! Talking about what I don’t need isn’t going to help me. There’s no use complaining about being manipulated if I keep surrounding myself with manipulators. I need to decide what I want to do and go do it, finally get what I need! Then no one’s going to have the chance to use me for anything! If you want to know about my life, talk to me — don’t blame me for not telling you and then complain that you don’t have time to listen to me!
This year i’m not joining the family for another trip to visit, or rather crash in on, Sybilla. And her life. Sure, going there is always fun, but when i’m back – i don’t want to put myself through that again. Forget about the travel expenses, I just can’t afford being sad to leave and missing everyone so much. And wishing so desperately to have everyone else’s life but mine. No one believes this, but I need to spare myself the emotional affliction. You think organizing a trip is a feat, it’s actually trying to endure leaving that’s the real ordeal. That’s what you don’t want. A trip can end up a mess, and people argue, but that’s nothing compared to being left with time spent but people miles away. I wish i could go, but i can’t risk things getting anymore complicated than they already are.
Except for the things you did wrong, you did everything else right. Right? What if your focus splits? What if you can’t be all in? Are you left with nothing at all?
I’m scared, I want to keep on living. When you have those moments where you just want the ground to swallow you up, what if you multiplied that by every hour every minute? I can’t just waste myself hoping that all of this will pass when clearly it’s never going away. I can’t even cry anymore. I feel really scared and angry and frustrated but at the same time I feel like i’m numb to everything. Like I just don’t react anymore.
I know the state of this blog is disappointing, but things have been really crazy. I had a discussion with Misty about it, and for now I still don’t really have the words to describe everything that happened to me recently. I’m very thankful to the readers who still follow my blog, and i’m sorry if i disappointed anyone, but there’s a lot that had to be sorted out, and as of right now, I still haven’t figured out everything. While I was busy I relied on twitter to make some quick and brief updates about how i am, and those of you who follow me on twitter probably realise what happened between the blog posts.
Cars pass by, because the people driving them have places to go to, somewhere to be. Living in this world is great when you feel that you’re part of it. I asked god to help ease the anguish. But the truth is there isn’t anything there to begin with because it’s just emptiness. I feel hollow, so no wonder it won’t go away because there’s nothing to take away, no anguish to ease. I’m afraid to go to sleep because I won’t know which one is a nightmare and which one to be more scared of. There are so many kind caring and beautiful people in this world, and when I look at them from afar, I feel like I can never say goodbye enough.
Okay so it’s the last day of July, and i’m really sad as you could probably tell from my recent tweets. Another month gone. I feel like nothing impactful has happened throughout my life, nothing that helped me progress and develop into something or anything more. I can’t have it all, I need something to step to, to steady myself. I know it’s a pretty lame metaphor, but I feel like my life isn’t really going anywhere, because there’re no triggers. Like there’s no catalyst. I know it’s actually supposed to come from me, but how am I supposed to build my whole life from scratch? Like if it’s not chaotic and stressful just because i’m at a downswing trying to get back something i lost or fix something that’s broken like a showerhead, then there’s just stability but nothing great happens either, like my life is just constantly trying to avoid more losses and constantly dreading what’s the next bad thing that’s gonna happen, and because of that I feel like my mind is regressing. I’m becoming stupider. I didn’t even know that was possible. I feel like meeting many different types of people in life instead of inspiring me to achieve more or to expand my horizons, it just made me more scared and closed off from possibilities that i might lose my normal routine.
Okay, so I acknowledge that there are a lot of broken links especially for the images on my blog. So right now i’m just going to post a bunch of other pictures to make up for it! Meanwhile, i’m going to take my time with the broken links. There sure are a lot of them. I really want to go watch Now You See Me, Oz the Great and Powerful, and Identity Thief! In other news, i’ve been unwell for a week. It started on Friday 12 July with this fever and really bad body pain. Then I continued to have body pain for 6 days, and now my body is completely pain-free. But that Friday I was really nauseated, and it was so bad that it made it super hard for me to eat because everything tasted and smelled different and I ended up needing to drink after every bite because I couldn’t stand how bad everything tastes. By Thursday I wasn’t nauseated anymore, but I was still having really low appettite. And right now i’m still so tired. I feel so wiped out like I just can’t go on. This is the worst timing for me to get this sick, although I should have seen it coming since the last time I had this was exactly a year ago, although that time it completely went away after one really horrible weekend of barely being able to get out of bed. My sister says I need to drink more water, so hopefully i’ll feel better after I re-hydrate.
I was really upset that day when I arrived at Sarah’s wedding with dying phone battery and hence was unable to take pictures. Her mom then shocked me by remembering me. I was like wow, I am of consequence to you. Anyway, I had a really bad week not just because I was sick, but also because there’re so many people I miss and wish I could be with. And next week is another killer week. I just feel so tortured when I’m trapped with people I really hate and don’t wanna be around. Sometimes I just feel like I give up on life.