I didn't know that one day i'd see that looking down from the top floor at the crowd in the mall really is such a luxury. Especially if i'm there unnoticed. And if it's on my own, it really feels like all of those bad things never happened.
You really could be right in front of someone but they're not really present. Maybe present to someone else, on the other end of their text conversation. I still remember what it feels like when someone is present. Emotionally available. Willingly involving themselves. Taking an interest and showing it. And i wasn't being told to smile more.
You can be surrounded by people and still be all alone. I give other people way too much credit for connecting people. Everyone seems to know what it means to be part of something, except me. And the rules say that it's my fault. For not understanding, for not trying enough.
After so many years i still never learned. I still make no effort. Never empathizing enough with people who have to go through so much trouble to put up with me. It's hard having me in your life. And it isn't fair, i'm sure, cause other people get to be normal. And have their friend groups with all the other normal people.
Anything only ever goes wrong because i'm taking issue with something. Because i'm making problems for everyone. Out of nothing. For no real reason. Just to be difficult. And to make things difficult. For everyone. Who's just trying to have a normal life.
Okay, so I deleted my spam, changed my layout, am making some progress towards standardising my gif lengths. There wasn't really any purpose for the overhaul. In fact, i missed the way everything looked the moment I started messing with things. I figured since i'm updating some scripts and plugins anyway, there's no better time.
There's also the issue of a lot of my gifs becoming broken links. So there's that to fix. Which will take forever, considering the actual original gifs are gone and i can't re-upload them. It really was gonna happen eventually, and I still wouldn't have been able to decide what I want it to be like next.
So here I am, still, with the same issues, hearing it all a million times, and adamant as ever that I shouldn't have to be ashamed that i'm unhappy, that I should have the freedom to be dissatisfied with anything I want. In the end I don't know who's left more worn out from it. It has been made clear to me that there is an end, I just don't know how I'll get there. Everyone's looking on, there's all this concern - what is that going to look like for him? Meanwhile i'm too preoccupied with how decaying I look right now to even fathom what's to come.