azreen.frozen-wings.net

I finally bought giftwrapper.

There’s so much more to being a nice person than just saying a few nice things and smiling a lot. I know that there’s still a lot for me to learn about life. People tell me to shut up all the time and I just shut up. There’s a lot I have to take from older people. But I have to just take it. It’s not my choice. Sometimes my siblings will scold me for stuff and I don’t like it, but i’m supposed to just take it, and be rational.

I’m not going to judge a person by their first impression. I know what my intentions are, so I’m not going to toy with people’s feelings and make them feel alienated from their own friends. If i’m in my house with my friends, sure, I behave however I want. But, around other people, obviously I can’t because I don’t know them that well. And it’s that simple. But, I can get to know them and eventually be as comfortable around them. It’s time that I would have to be willing to take. Effort that I have to be willing to put in. It’s true that I choose my friends. But if I like to be around lots of people and subject myself, then that’s not the case anymore.

I feel that being superficial isn’t just about looks and glamor. You can tell someone’s motivation by the way they behave. There’re people who’re sincere, and there’re people who just want to be there for the happy moments. When you’ve been hit bad and don’t know what to do and don’t know what to expect, you need someone to who’ll take control of the situation for you, and make all the necessary calls and negotiations that you’re in no condition to handle yourself. Where are your hundreds of facebook friends then? I don’t know what it is about some people and getting so much attention. It’s a really strange twisted narcissism. I guess this is what blogging is. It’s funny — i tried so much to separate those I hate, but i might possibly be exactly that.

You can’t walk through life just being a socialite. Knowing people and attending parties doesn’t actually mean you have a real friendship with them. When you start anywhere you want to embrace the people around you. You try to take what you can from what they do, learn from it, and try it yourself. If you look at any successful woman you’ll surely see that she didn’t operate just within her job description in order to be promoted to such a high position. She obviously had to go above and beyond. Don’t come to me throwing around names of people you know. It’s not like you actually ever did anything for them. I don’t care how many people you know, or how famous you are, I just want to know what you’re trying to represent with all this behavior. It’s ridiculous to watch a girl receive so much recognition and attention because of her existing fame and social status. There are work horses and show ponies. There are top ten percenters: the top 10% that end up doing 90% of the work and outperforming 90% of their peers. You don’t necessarily need to be the smartest or have the best connections to be in this category, to be in this category you need to go above and beyond.When you start out anywhere you have  a rare opportunity to work closely with people who are extremely knowledgeable, hard working, and experienced and instead of using that to her advantage and learning from it she’s choosing to stick her nose in the air. At the end of the day if you do well, it’s going to benefit the people you represent. Honestly, I would never wish for anyone to come back and fail, because that’s, one, more work for everyone else, and, two, it doesn’t make you look great and that reflects on everybody.You don’t get places by JUST doing your job, you get places by building relationships and working above the job description. “I’m not here for that, I’m just here for this,”. Well, you’re here now. Is it my fault that you’re here? It’s not my problem if you can’t handle it here, everyone else has enough to do already without having to hold your hand. Everyone else worked up the ranks; likely from producing exceptional work–not skating by with mediocre work. “So what if I didn’t show up, everyone else skipped out the whole week,”. Don’t compare yourself to anyone but yourself. No matter how good or bad everyone else is doing, the only person you are competing against is with yourself. If you don’t know who you are and what you want, I can’t help you.

I wrapped a present! What do you think of my giftwrapping skills?

Also, I have to go out and buy more wrapper. That day when I was shopping with my mom and siblings, we were supposed to get wrapper but I forgot.

Yesterday morning my mom watched Taken on starmovies. Ever since that movie whenever someone leaves she has to tell them not to get kidnapped and says that she won’t be able to save them.

I just want to say that I really can pull accessories. I really feel like I have a good eye for it, and it feels really innate to me. But the creative director is never pleased. Do you think it’s a bit much for me to think of myself as an editor/publicist pulling outfits for my siblings and styling them for shoots/events only to have them disapproved and redone by the creative director? I don’t mean to be dramatic, i just feel like that’s my niche in the household. Okay that really is a bit much. Mom, agree with the outfits i pick please!

I don’t care how much people beg for your company to events, sing your praises, or call you incessantly. Do you not realize you made innocent people sit out a 2-hour traffic jam just so that you can go to the train station? How does this make you a good person? Why do you get to do this and i’m still expected to be polite and civil to you? And in the middle of it you get a phone call from your friend saying that she’s in front of the house to pick you up?!?! Which one is it? Who do you want to go out with? Why was she stood up? Was she not cool enough for you? Yea big deal, you say that you just need to be sent to the train station and you can go the rest of the way yourself — guess what? every day you’re the one who chooses where you go and what you do, so don’t bleeping wait for and expect people to send you anywhere if you could’ve just walked out of the house in the morning by yourself since you’re so bleeping good at planning things and going places yourself. If you have to be sent to the train station, you might as well be sent all the way to midvalley (don’t act like you’re more creative than that cause I know you’re not above frequenting the same bleeping place since you’re so closed off to anything else and you bleeping think you know everything). Don’t tell me to move out of my house and get a job!

I just woke up an hour ago, I don’t need to be thinking about this, yet everyday it just haunts me because the whole experience is just so traumatizing. I can’t even spend a decent peaceful morning without having to put up with this.

Why does the laptop always have to get so hot? Ouch.

Anyway, I want a few things.

• Illustrator
• ImageReady
• Photoshop

It would also be nice to have this. I don’t know what happened to me. Could it be that i’m truly alone in the world? Not without desserts i’m not. I don’t want to be so spiteful but everywhere I turn there’re reminders of the insults thrown at me. I can’t speak to anyone without certain names coming up in conversation. They don’t even have to choose sides though. Just knowing that they’re associated with the people who did that to me is enough to send me far away from them. I don’t want to be all alone for the rest of my life, but this thing isn’t going to just blow over. I feel victimized, I don’t like that feeling, it’s not something that I consciously do to myself. Why is it my fault for feeling offended when someone says something mean to me? Shouldn’t you blame her instead? So there, that’s why I truly have no one.

And I thought that driving would mean I could actually get somewhere.

My favourite songs are can’t be tamed, must not chase the boys, and rumors.

Yesterday, I went with the family to have lunch at Secret Recipe taipan. Again, no pictures, because the camera’s not mine. My mom was late to leave to go to Shangri-La Putrajaya. Later, after she and my brother had finished packing, I went with them to meet my mom’s friend at persiaran kewajipan, and then they got out of the car and went into hers, and I drove, or rather, waited out the massive traffic congestion, to get home.

• 2:15 pm  Arrive home from seeing off mom and my brother
• 2:45 pm Send Adila to piano class
• 3:57 pm Is late to go pick her up
• 4:15 pm Arrive home, Aniza says wait let me log out of everything first
• 4:20 pm Set off for Adrianna’s birthday party
• 4:28 pm Omg this girl lives right on the bazaar ramadhan

So I tried to make the card for Adrianna’s present. I decided it was time to own up to who I really am, so I figured that there’s no better time to show my penmanship than on a somewhat peaceful weekend. It’s true, i’ve really let myself go and have started getting really sloppy with assembling things together. There’s even an ‘i’ i forgot to dot. I honestly can’t really believe that my handwriting has got this bad. I guess i’ll look around for ideas to make a better one next time. Anyway, the present was a notebook, and I wrapped it to make it look like a bigger present, just cause I think it’s fun to do that.

The party was supposed to finish at 6:30 pm, but Aniza only wanted to come home at 7:30 pm.

Yay! I remembered to take out the garbage! Just now I asked aloud to my brother what he’ll have at school today, and I even asked again if he really is only coming home at 6:00 pm, and on top of that I asked him if he’ll be able to make the full day since it seemed really heavy. I made sure to ask right in front of my dad, but still he didn’t get it. He just assumes that my brother’s lunch will just buy itself. That’s just cold. There is no parent on earth who’d deliberately get out of giving his own 12 year old son some lunch money for one day. And then if he doesn’t get to eat we never hear the end of it.

On Sunday, my mom asked my what was my honest take on the whole abolishment of major school exams in our country. After my mom pushed aside my ambiguous front answers, she got me to tell the truth, and I said that I think everything’s perfectly fine the way it is. And my mom said that i’m old-thinking and not progressive. Does anyone see any role-reversals here? I was quite adamant in stating that parents shouldn’t complain about how school kids are exam oriented, they should raise their kids to be however they should be. Welcome to the third world, parents. I said to my mom, that having so many schools provided for the many many school kids in the country is something so precious. It’s something we’re so lucky to have, and it really is a privilege to be able to go school-shopping especially if you live in USJ. Still, that’s not enough for the parents. They want everything to be like this or like that. Cause it’s so easy to restructure the whole education system to the way you want it. It’s funny to me that all these parents knew what was going on in school sin our country — they attended them themselves. Yet, only now that they’re parents do they realise that they want to speak out about it.

Where were they all those years before they had kids, or before their kids went to school? I certainly hope you had a plan for your life, you and your spouse must have talked about what you want the future of your family to be; how you want to raise your kids, and which school you want them to go to. And only now you’re so worried about schools supposedly making kids exam-oriented?

Those kids go home from school every day, I certainly don’t think that learning stops once you leave the classroom. Every parent has a chance to talk to their kid, and impart whatever wisdom they wish to their kids. Your kids are living with you after all, don’t tell me you don’t have time to tell your kid anything. Work can drag on for hours and there’s the commute, everyone knows that, but you know that you have to manage your life and your time. What little you have left you can still use it for parenting. Your kids may come home from school saying that there’s so much emphasis on exams and it’s so life-or-death, but you can raise them to rise to the challenge and more. Is it really any wonder that kids feel that they should just exam-prep exam-prep when their parents are just work-work-work?

No one is forcing you to send your kids to these schools! If you want to whine and moan so much about teachers and teaching take it to someone who listens! There are plenty of options for you, but instead you want the education system to do your parenting for you. Oh boo hoo, it’s all school’s fault that my kids are not well-rounded. You can raise them to be well-rounded! Oh yes, that would require you to raise them, wouldn’t you?

How do you know what goes into the whole teaching-learning process? Teachers don’t just sit around writing lesson plans, they’re marking homework and coursework, and that’s not just for one class, or one form. Every teacher takes at least 3 forms or 3 standard. And that’s just for one subject! Then there’s the administrative work. There’s extra curriculars. And after school there’s those meetings that the principal insists on dragging out really long to scream at them. Then the students already have coursework to do, even though there’re major exams. PEKA, oral, and history paper. One big one is Add Maths project for which most kids have to download a whole software to generate the complex equations required. All of this coursework keep a lot of kids on the computer for hours on end. Definitely not something you can pull a one-nighter on. Moral there’s kerja amal, agama there’s PAFA and maybe something else I can’t remember. See? Kids still do other stuff than just study to the exam. But are the parents even aware of this? They don’t know, they don’t care how hard it is to complete all that. And if the teacher says it’s not accurate, you have to do the whole thing again until it’s correct, since there’s only pass or fail for coursework. Wrong or right.

Yesterday I sent my younger sister to Holiday Villa for her music exam. I thought that i’d be quick enough to get home by 1:15 after picking up my brother from school but I was clearly wrong. Interestingly enough, I was still able to get a good waiting spot even though I left the house as late as 12:35, and then after waiting until 1:10pm I somehow impulsively got out of the car and tried to look for my brother, but he actually just got to the car and had to tell me that I just missed him. Anyway, luckily I was still near the car.

By the time I got home it was 1:30, and I didn’t even bring any water for my sister. The reason we were supposed to leave the house at 1:15 was because she needed to be at the exam venue at least 30 minutes before the time of her exam. So, I was in a mad rush, her performance was clearly affected, but we had to go on, so she just sucked it up and tried to stay positive. We arrived at Holiday Villa at 1:45 and by the time we took the lift up it was about 1:50, but thankfully she was still able to register. I didn’t like that there were so many mosquitoes in the waiting room — clearly it wasn’t meant to be a waiting room for candidates, but my sister was totally calm, trying to concentrate and focus her energy. How can there be mosquitoes inside the hotel anyway? No wonder the other candidate didn’t really sit down and the next one that came sat in a different part of the hotel. As far as I know, it’s an honour if your hotel was asked to host an ABRSM music exam. Management must think there’re more important things.

I remembered my hectic music exam experience where I refused to leave USJ until after I was done at the mosque that Friday, forcing my mom to make an insane dash to Grand Blue Wave Shah Alam, arriving a bit late, and out of breath.

There are some examiners who’re very strict. My piano teacher told my mom that there was this girl who had to take a bus from school or work or something and even though she was a minute late the examiner refused to take her. I like to think that examiners look at us asians as illusive delicacies, but that’s just me thinking i’m so beautiful. Anyway, my various music teachers always told me that the polite, friendly, and comforting examiners are stingy with marks, and when my younger sister told me how friendly her examiner was, I was a bit put down. Luckily, a gender difference always helps. I can recall so many stories that’re like “omg he asked me for chromatic and I played contrary motion” or “he asked for third apart and I accidentally played arpeggios”. For my exam, it was he asked me for a particular scale and I really couldn’t remember what it was, then he said that it was his fault for asking the wrong group, and then he asked me which group I was in, and then I couldn’t remember which one I was in, and then, well, I was so lucky to have passed that exam.

I just think that most musicians that I know would be very talented in the first place to get that far, especially that young. Clearly, they should garner a distinction at the very least. As for me, I was just never able to once land my arpeggios let alone my pieces. Sad, I know.

I realised that all of Miss Yvonne’s presented candidates were there that day — I felt quite privileged to see for myself how the best of the best carry themselves. I tried to memorise their mannerisms but they were too indistinct. On the outside they seem like completely normal people. Beautiful, but normal. These people are born with it.

Anyway, we all had so much fun having my younger sister at home in the afternoon since normally she’s in school in the afternoon. We all played Brawl together, thanks to my brother who was able to gather enough batteries from around the house. Then, they all went for a walk with my mom when she came home from work. I didn’t go cause I was actually feeling really sick, my body-ache was insanely painful I couldn’t move without making old people sounds.

Then, my dad came home, and that was that. Fun can end just like that. That’s life, actually.

My sister told me that I should get an AST and ALT done , a U and E, and a run of a few other tests too. My mom told me that I could have a thyroid problem. I’m actually a bit scared about finding out what’s really wrong with me. My whole life I’ve always insisted to people that, fundamentally, i’m like everybody else except with slightly different interests and taste and opinions. I know my Dad would think that as long as I’m able to stand up i’m healthy enough to do anything. Not that he’s ever cared about my health anyway. Let the record show that when I was suffering with wisdom teeth pain, my dad asked me what condition I was having and when I explained to him how an impacted third molar can commonly cause swelling, sore throat, and disseminate into fever, he interrupted saying he wanted to know why I was wearing a splint on my finger. Fatherly concern indeed.

I actually really want to eat. But I don’t know what i’m hungry for. I know that I want something chocolatey. It has to be something really sweet, because i’m suffering that much. I don’t know how I could’ve gone without having something sweet everyday. I just had a chocolate sundae during the weekend but already i’m suffering. But I don’t know if a cake will cut it. I don’t want chocolate ice-cream, but I do want a cold dessert. I want something really rich heavy and thick. Brownies wouldn’t be moist enough. Actually, maybe I can just have my favourite — pancakes– and go from there. Could it be that I also want scrambled eggs and toast? I don’t know how I could crave so many things after eating so much! I ate so much during the weekend, how could I feel like i’m starving?!? This is insane, I can’t just eat and eat, I have to do other things in my life too, like wash my hair and brush my teeth.

My mom actually called me a “Foodie who never eats”. I don’t know why people are all up in my business about how much I eat and what I eat, saying that I don’t eat enough. Clearly, I eat more than enough. Look at the irritated expression on my dad’s face whenever i’m the one cleaning off leftovers instead of him! Thanks to all you people saying that I don’t eat enough, now all I think about is food!! What am I supposed to do now?! God, I just want to eat and eat and eat, now I’m exactly like my dad, worse in fact. And the more I want to eat, the more people (Okay fine it’s my sister and my mom) say that I don’t eat enough and that I should eat, and then the food-talk just makes me want some more food. I actually ate enough, and i’m not hungry. I just want to eat. But you can’t eat for the purpose of eating. Oh dear god, just remember to take out the garbage tomorrow, Azreen.

Today I woke up aching and my face felt so swollen. None of us woke up early enough to follow Aniza to parade for her piano lesson. I made everyone have lunch at Coffee Bean, but I forgot to bring Adila’s camera, so no pictures. Aniza was stuck with my Dad for lunch at Delifrance. When my dad got home from Delifrance he was all so excited that my youngest sister got a distinction for ABRSM grade 2 theory. I made a sarcastic comment about he helped her with intervals, rests, note groupings, and all the theory drills. And I even said that my younger sister is already grade 7 but never once got a distinction. He still didn’t get it! My mom even said that of course she has, and that even I have some. Clearly, she’s the one playing the pieces, not you, so that means its not your music career — it’s hers! It has nothing to do with you!

After that, we set off for grandpa’s house, and then later went to Melissa’s house! Omg it was raining so heavily, and I couldn’t believe I had the chance to see Melissa Kyra Keesha and Adam again — they were so beautiful, even more beautiful than I remembered omg. Then, my sister had to go back to JB, on the way to the bus station we ate at a highway McD. I’m still not pleased that :

a) My Dad didn’t give my sister any money, yet expected her to come back to KL more often.
b) My sister still has to go back and forth by bus, which isn’t ideal enough for me.

Also, my Dad hugged my sister. Because he’s such a wonderful caring parent, always so concerned about her health and well-being; having been there for every doctor’s appoiontment, orthodontists’ appointment, driving lesson, report-card. I made so many sarcastic comments but he still didn’t get it. I suppose he honestly thinks that i’m nothing to her cause i’m just her brother. Why would she want to hug me goodbye, right? We don’t have a relationship, oh no. He does with her simply because he happens to be biologically related to her. Nevermind all those times he shouted at her and sweared at her.

I feel really sick, my whole body is still aching, and i don’t have a temperature but I think I have chills.

My dad said that his company wants to post him in Jakarta. He told me that he doesn’t want to go cause he won’t be able to see us often. The man who considers parenting his oldest daughter as just a hug every time she comes into town and just saying take care. Sending kids to ballet or piano is such a chore to him. And he’s telling me that he doesn’t want to ‘not see us often’. I wish he’d go. That way I can continue to live at home and I can be happy. Actually for a long time, I knew that if I got a job and moved out of the house everything would be solved. But I don’t want to be the one who leaves. I’m selfish. But one day, I will move out, so that’s a compromise.

Anyway, the insecticide people didn’t come to the house on friday. I kept/hid so much stuff, and everyone was like looking for their toothbrushes and towels. Unfortunately, they’ll be coming to fumagate the fumagate the house next saturday. Boo. My mom actually told me that they should do cleanup whenever there’s wet carpets or insecticide puddles, since that’s what service providers should do. My dad told me that everyone keeps complaining of ants. My dad only listens to what he wants to hear. “We’re going to Pizza Uno cause Aniza wants to go,”

Yesterday I wrote Keesha’s birthday card, and forgot to include how belated it was. I’m happy with my work as always, but it doesn’t mean it was actually any good.

I had one and a half nasi lemak in the morning. I blow-dried Adila’s hair but didn’t finish, and the effects didn’t last long although I like to think that it did. Aniza arrived home from Kem Bestari Solat at like 12.40pm.

Lunch with the family at secret recipe; my mom had singapore laksa, my sister had lamb shank and fruit punch, my sister had secret recipe special fried rice with satay and oreo milkshake, my sister had kids’ spaghetti bolognese and ice-chocolate with whipped cream, my brother had prawn macaroni and cheese and 7up, and I had caribbean style sea bass, chocolate sundae, and yoghurt cheese cake. My dad got a free slice of yoghurt cheese, new york cheese, and chocolate banana cheese cake cause when you use citibank credit card you get a free slice with every RM40 purchase. I wish I took pictures cause everything looked so delectable. Sadly the camera is not mine. I just act like it’s mine. After we left and we were walking along taipan to the car, Amelia waved to me from inside her car, and she told me she was going to the bank after which she has a dentist appointment.

The episode of WoWP I had already seen. I told Ashraf that I was really angry about how Harper was secretly a cheerleader. It didn’t seem fair to me that someone who was designing clothes and sitting at a sewing machine all day would be so fit and healthy. Jeniffer Stone looks really adorable in the cheerleader outfit.

So, the high school fundraiser dinner thing was a 1200 guest event with dining tables set up in the hotel lobby. I couldn’t see the performances and people were touting, catcalling, and slandering me at the buffet. I was humiliated but I decided not to think about it and basically live in my own world like I have been my whole life.

So yesterday I was going through my dad’s eMac to take out all of my psds, and i spent more than an hour going back and forth between my laptop and his computer cause my thumbdrive is only 125MB. Yea, I bought it about 6 years ago, ancient I know. Anyway, on the eMac the file icons have the preview of what the image content looks like, so it’s easy for me to pick and choose what to open, but on this Dell, everything has the some photoshop logo. Why is windows like that? I thought that when I was on my sister’s windows-vista I didn’t have this problem. Now I have to open every file one by one until I get the one I want, since that’s the only way to know what’s inside. I could name the files, but that would be so many names — I still won’t remember what’s inside or how it corresponds to what’s inside. Gawd. So anyway, that eMac has like 20.3 GB available space but it’s still really slow. There’s so much more of my stuff on that computer that I need to delete but they’re all actually just text files, word documents, spreadsheets, and powerpoints. There’s an iPhoto Library under my account but it’s just the same pictures as in my dad’s account so I can just delete that whole album straight away. But still, I don’t think my files are the bulk of what’s taking up so much space on his computer. He keeps downloading like divx player and stuff like that, I mean I don’t add in unnecessary applications like that. I had transmit for ftp, and I deleted that since it was a trial anyway. I deleted acquisition since my sister got a laptop, and photoshop of course you have to leave it there since it’s so useful. My account on that computer takes up about 4.5GB, and I don’t think it’s that bad. I’ve deleted all my music and all my wallpapers.

My dad called the house yesterday and since I was unfortunate enough to pick up, he decided to make me the one to have to tell everyone the bad news — they’re coming to spray the house! And it’s today. Omg how will I ever clean up everything?! I made sure there’s no food out, and that clothes are in cupboards and drawers, and I put away any out-in-the-open pharmaceuticals, but still I have to pull the furniture away from the walls. I hate this so much. Everything is going to reek of insecticide. I hate this I hate this I hate this!!!

I played games on disneychannel.com almost the whole day yesterday. I really like them cause everything looks so bright cheerful and pretty, and it’s fun! It’s just so great that you can play a game just by entering a URL, no downloading needed. I’ve particularly been playing Emperor’s Mad Dash. I also really like Rufus Snow Ride. I keep losing at both but I keep clicking ‘play again’ ! I really don’t want to play Solitaire or Minesweeper anymore — so muak already.

Yesterday evening I realised that there was a cut on my foot, and I couldn’t really figure out what I could’ve possibly stepped on. Later it was time to send Adila to music class, so I just completely forgot to band-aid it and just walked around parade in a weird way. I guess it was worth the pain since I love parade so much. Not like I went shopping anyway — I just went to buy correction tape cause Adila ran out, and that took up a lot of time cause I was wandering around not knowing where to look for what I want. It’s funny that I go to parade so much and I still don’t know where everything is.

And I finally fixed the dates on my blog — took me long enough to get around to doing it! I don’t think there’s anything else that’s wrong here.

Sunday night Aniza had piano class at 7pm, so the whole family went to parade, and then after dropping off Aniza, we stood outside The Chicken Rice Shop to wait for a table. Adila needed to buka puasa and it was already getting late, and, without realising it, I was wasting time standing there when I could’ve gone to the watch shop right across to replace batteries for my Nike watch that my mom bought for me three years ago. So anyway, after Aniza comes downstairs and we all finish eating and everything, we passed by Love It which inspired some wardrobe ideas, went to Parkson to look for a birthday present for Adila’s friend, and then went to Cold Storage. We were about to leave when I finally realised that the person at Time2Time said pick it up after 20 minutes – it’s already been over 2 hours! I rushed there, made a hissy fit about not being able to charge it to my mom’s card, and then met everyone at the car. Yay! I think I much prefer wearing this watch even though the canvas isn’t really that breathable I don’t know why.

So, here’s a look at my workspace from a few days ago. I just like to be excessively proud of the things I make.

I can’t watch How I Met Your Mother because my mom changed the channel to watch Parkinson.

I just want to say, that I feel really bad that you are with an ugly hag. You’re a good person, and you should be happy. I wish she wasn’t holding you captive and just dragging you around as an accessory. I’m sure you’d know that ripe, fresh meat tastes so much better. She’s just trash.

Please go to Superior Pics, Brusheezy, and KisukiNet for brushes and screen captures.

I don’t care if it’s your 1 year or 10 year anniversary with him. He doesn’t love you! You just represent the idea of a fairytale romance that breaks all boundaries. There’s plenty of gorgeous fresh young meat to go around. And they’re not witches. In fact, I’ll wait 50 years if I have to, but eventually he’ll realize that there’s more for him in life, and you’ll get what you deserve.

I think eventually pretending to like people at parties will just wear me out. I don’t know why I risk going anywhere near people that I really hate. I know that i’m allowed to live my own life, and even if I don’t associate myself with people who’re friends with people I hate, I can still be surrounded by lots of people. It may be a small world, but it’s not so small that I have to settle for fake friends who don’t care about me. Even if I do end up alone, who cares? I’d rather be by myself than pretend to like people just for the sake of having company. Is this some kind of school field trip or something? We don’t just follow people around wherever they go.

Azreen : Mom, I don’t want to tell Dad that i’m following everyone to Kuantan.

Mom: Then don’t.

Azreen: He keeps coming up to me asking me if i’m going. I mean, I really wanna go with everyone else but not if he’s coming too.

Mom: Just say you don’t know.

I took another try at making something for the ancient orchids contest even though the contest is closed, I just thought that I should do something to show myself what I can do.  Indeed the colour scheme and overall look is kind of tacky and not-in-a-good-way-retro. Well, I don’t know why I was so pleased with it anyway. Hopefully I will be able to build upon this in the future, but i’m actually looking for a technique I can call my own.

I really wonder if I go through life just blissfully unaware. People more recondite always fascinated me, I look up to their strong beliefs about humanity and modern society, how they mourn the tragic fall of mankind, how we had so much promise and potential but, in the end, sabotaged ourselves and became victims of our own natures. When I contemplate my fate, I think about whether or not I would end up being cut off from the rest of the world, from the rest of humanity, in darkness, having suffered fighting, bloodshed, and pain, but, through faith maybe mankind could steal the chance for new lives, for redemption to become a promising race once again. When I was in school and teachers told me that death is not the answer, that just really interested me because death is the only certain thing about life. I always thought about how everyone seems to be so happy coincidentally only during the times when i’m not there. If I say that I have no place in this world, could it be that instead I just haven’t found it yet? I really doubt that there are people like me in this world. Except my dad. I’ve been trying to be a better person my whole life. After all of these years, and still no progress, the idea of me being a person worth getting to know is seeming more and more narcissistic every second.

Yesterday I entered a header contest at Ancient Orchids. Here’s my entry. As you can see, it’s not something one would submit with the expectation of winning, but I thought I’d just give it a try since I used to enjoy making banners and stuff. Now, it just feels like a lot of work, plus it ended up completely not what I was aiming for. I’m just pleased that I finished something.

It’s like hearing gurgling babies at a funeral. There’s nothing like the uplifting sound of an innocent child being happy, but when something so awful has happened, it just suddenly doesn’t seem right to enjoy the brightness and joy of the world. I feel like I just live in intervals of ups and downs, and it’s so humiliating because i’m supposed to be in control and have control over what goes on in my life, but somehow when I least expect it I turn around and something falls completely apart. What’s the use of enjoying happy moments when you know that it’s just an interval before more turmoil. I’m sick of living my life from one conflict to another.

It’s not like I purposely like the things that I like — that’s just how I feel about them. I never wanted to not be able to like travelling and going on holidays like everyone else, but that’s just not me. Party after party, my life just feels out of perspective after that. I don’t know. I’m looking for something else, but I don’t exactly know what it is. I just don’t want to always feel humiliated trying to chase after something that people think is a waste of time.

You make yourself look perfect in every way

So when this goes down i’m the one who will be blamed

Your plan is working so you can just walk away

I never realised how two-faced I was until I experienced someone doing the exact same thing to me. It’s ironic how some people can complain about someone and yet still be sycophant to them. Obviously I have nothing, and even the friends I do have wouldn’t be able to help me when i’m up against someone of higher rank and stature.

I can tell what’s going on this time

There’s a stranger in my life

If they always like to behave a certain way only to me while seeming so nice to everyone else, i’m clearly not the reason their reputation is at stake — you don’t have to come near me if you don’t want to, you don’t have to hang out nearby me if you don’t want to, someone can hear you saying something callous to me, it’s your own fault.

You walk and talk like your some new sensation
You move in circles you don’t need an invitation
You spend your money you can’t get no satisfaction
You play it right so you can get the right reaction

I know who I am, and I don’t see any point in climbing the social ladder if I clearly don’t fit at any point on it. I don’t see why I would need so much attention from people, or why I need to be liked about by others or seen as acceptable to everyone. It’s just not possible to please everyone, and everyone has their right to choose their own friends anyway. I don’t need to do the same thing that everyone else is doing, I don’t need to go to the places everyone else goes. I have to make my own decisions about my own life, it shouldn’t be based on the critical reception I receive. If you think I’m wasting my life doing something lame, then don’t waste your memory space knowing about it. Don’t waste your time pitying me for not being popular, you don’t care about my life anyway.

I don’t want to be friends with someone if they just want me to be their posse. I don’t want to pretend to like other people just so that I can perpetuate some kind of idea about me being a well-liked socially acceptable person. I don’t really care about my reputation because I decide what kind of person I should be — it’s up to me. You can go around saying that I’m weird for having a different opinion about things or ’saying what I think’ — really, I wouldn’t be surprised, millions of other people have said bad things about me and I’m sure you’re all in the same club doing all those cool things that i’m too pathetic to know how to do.

What’s out of place when you look into the mirror
The truth is blurry but the lies are getting clearer
Your eyes are fixed, your smile is so elastic
he gave me roses but they’re all just made of plastic

I just don’t feel that I have to exhibit everything about my life to everyone. I don’t need affirmation from other people about anything in my life. Everyday I wake up and put on an outfit that I don’t really like, and I just toss my hair in whatever way seems somewhat amusing and that’s enough for me. I know that I don’t look cute or now but I don’t really care. There are bad things in my life, I have problems, but there are also happy moments, all of which are mine to experience. I don’t need to make my life a display for everyone to acknowledge whether or not i’m ‘keeping up’. Approve of me, don’t approve of me, it’s still my life and i’m the one who’ll have to live it. Even if I don’t show off everything about me to the world, people will still say what they want, people talk, and i’m used to it, I expect that much, cause I know those people are not my friends and they don’t know me. And it’s probably not worth it for me to know them either.

Smile for the camera everybody’s looking at you
Smile for the camera ’cause there all about to trash you
Smile for the camera, camera, camera
Smile for the camera, who’s gonna catch ya

I smile perfectly for the camera as if i’m so happy, as if there’s nothing wrong in my life. Small talk and eager conversation as if there isn’t something weighing on me, or that there’s something I should have done but haven’t. I makes no sense for me to pretend like everything’s going so great.

I guess it’s better to keep your opinions to yourself, but I don’t think I do or necessarily should regret speaking my opinion because when someone asks I don’t want to be like “umm I don’t know,” because it’s as if i’m trying to please everyone and you can’t please everyone and i’m sure what i’m saying now will not please everyone but everyone feels a certain way about something and people shouldn’t apologize for feeling a certain way about something or believing in the things you believe in because that makes you who you are. As long as you’re not forcing your opinions on someone else, it’s not wrong to speak your opinion.

I just think that I know who I am, and if you don’t know who you are then people will try to make you into the person that they want you to be and you end up not becoming the person you are supposed to be or the person you want to be.

There are people everywhere and each one is different, so it’s unrealistic for you to think that everyone would like you. If you want to meet new people or make a connection with people you have to be able to individually reach out to them and try to experience what they experience. If you say that you want to meet new people and try new things, it wouldn’t necessarily be correct for you to selectively talk to people who do things that you’re interested in only. If you say you want to have fun, then it’s a different story.

11:30 am

1:00 pm

I was trying to tidy up, but actually i made it worse.

Hey! Omg it’s been so long, how are you? As you can see, apart from having really let myself go, I’m exactly the same as when I was 17. But then again, it makes all the difference doesn’t it? Especially nowadays, I just eat and eat and eat, I don’t even realise what i’m doing. Having sagged and spilled all over the place so much, my body is so impossible not to notice I should feel guilty about the number of people I to whom I caused nightmares. Yea, I know, insane right? Hey don’t call me crazy, but come on, we all get a little crazy sometimes right? Don’t tell me you haven’t had a ridiculous out-of-your-mind totally wild night this week, everyone knows what a party animal you can be. Speaking of parties, I haven’t been attending any for the past few, oh I don’t know, lifetimes? Yeah, who knew it was even possible for me to become even more of a hermit than I used to be? Talk about taking homely a little too far. It’s funny, people ask me why I allowed my life to spiral so far downwards, and I don’t even know! And i’m like, what reputation? It took a nosedive? Yea, anyway, i’d love to hear about all your wonderful life achievements compared to me being single old unemployed living with my parents with no life experiences whatever, but I think i’ll just skip ahead to the pathetic wailing on my bed moaning about how jealous I am about everyone else’s life curling up in bitterness of my own life to stew in my own self loathing. After the excessive servings of comfort food you’ll probably find me playing minesweeper or solitaire or something.

Could it be that i’m so insanely happy that I have nothing to moan and whine about here? Don’t be silly.

Anyway, I was thinking to myself about how my dad hurts people most probably because he’s so stressed that i’m 20 unemployed and still living with my parents. Then, Ashraf told me about why my dad bought Aniza the Wii steering wheel. He explained to me that my dad didn’t complain about having to buy it, and anyone who knows my dad would know how insincere he is about doing anything for anyone — he would’ve totally complained and make a big deal about not only how much it would cost, but the hassle of going to buy it. And he didn’t, so it must’ve been for himself. And the thing doesn’t even have any function it’s just an accessory to attach onto the Wiimote. And Ashraf told me that you can get them free when you buy the MarioKart CD. I was horrified. I mean, it clearly shows my dad tricked Aniza into thinking he got her an actual birthday present. It’s just an offhand meaningless thing that he used to blackmail her into being nice to him.

I was just browsing through all the Xtina and Gaga comparisons and I couldn’t believe that they found so many pictures to compare.

Anyway, after I made some space in the house last week, I haven’t figured out what I so desperately need to use it for. There was an ad in the mail about sending your used stuff, which ironically came after I got rid of so much stuff. I meant to send more, it’s just that I forgot what I did with that flyer.

I just wanted to state that, my weight and diet is my business. Leading a healthy lifestyle encompasses everything you do in your life. I’m not sure if I said that right, it probably doesn’t even make sense, but my point is, whether or not I eat right or exercise at all, it’s my life and my body, and I’m the one who’ll have to do it, not anyone else. So I don’t see the point of people telling me that I should replace that those McMuffins with fruit salad or that I should do more resistance training or extend my cardio of which I don’t even do any. I don’t see why people think that just because they had the misfortune of glancing at me they need to tell me what to do about my body. Some of them should probably even take their own advice. So what if i’m not lifting weights everyday? I don’t see why I should spend so much effort building muscle which I most likely don’t even want. I’m the one who will have to maintain those muscles that you keep telling me to build anyway. Trying desperately to be as buff as everyone else is just going to teach more kids to down dangerous amount of protein shakes. I certainly can’t even say at all that all the people who were able to talk so much about how I should be treating my diet and exercise regime even care about my health at all.

I looked a lot worse when I was in lower secondary.

I  am now 51.3 kg.

Certainly, I was a bit scared at the amount of muscle wasting that my sedentary lifestyle has inflicted on me, but I will make my own choices, and do something about it in my own way. I would also like to say that a lot of people who tell me that I’m skinny are super skinny themselves. I should be complaining to them about what an eyesore their lanky limbs are, with their bones seemingly trying to box their way out of their hips. I am fine with my current state of health, and for once I don’t mind weighing the amount that I weigh. I don’t care what people think about whether the weight i gain is fats or muscle cause it’s my life. Well, at least I thought I didn’t care, it’s just that they keep coming to me and telling me all this stuff. Well, I guess I have to say that I am glad about how self-deprecating most people are about their weight and their body. Even though they come to me telling me how to live my life, they also tell me what they don’t like about themselves, and I just want people to realize that feeling good about yourself is a real privilege, that I myself am struggling to one day achieve.

Today, I invited Amelia to my house for tea. Everyone else went to Carrefour.

Then, I made this! But it’s largely plagiarised, and I might get into trouble.

I wish my mom would’ve had the chance to further develop her career, so that at least one of us would have been successful. Could it be that everyone in this household never achieved anything they wanted to? That everyone’s miserable and bitter about their lives? Maybe that’s just how it is, and there’s nothing we can really do about it?

I always get very sensitive about the subject of people who wreck everything they touch. Whether or not i’m lonely, it’s my own fault — if I say that it’s my life, then it’s mine to ruin. If I cared about it I wouldn’t have ruined it. I feel like I’ll never know how I could ever be as good as everyone else, because the moment I try to do anything, I wreck something. I never meant for my life to turn out badly. There are so many ups and downs, one minute i’m peacefully asleep and the next everything’s a mess because of me. Even if I always hurt so many people, you would think that I could at least do one useful, helpful thing in my life. But in the long time I was alive I’ve never even accomplished that.

Could it be that there is an only person that I can ever be friends with, relate to, or talk to? Could it be that the only person I can understand is the only person who comes close to behaving like me? Do I have to end up only being friends with my dad? Maybe my mother and I are too different, since after all she’s a good person. Maybe all the time my mother spent with me was just a complete waste of her life because we can never be friends. After all this time, she could only leave not with nothing, but after having given up so much, and lost so much. So it appears Alina and I can’t be bestfriends after all, since my mom needs her appropriately-compatible bestfriend.

I wish my dad wasn’t my only option as a bestfriend. I wish that I could deserve a friend as good as everyone else’s. It’s my own fault for being what I am. I guess everyone sees it, that I’m exactly like him. And all this time I was foolish enough to think that just because i’m good friends with my older sister, some of that divine virtue would easy-as-that rub off on me, or that even more absurdly, people would think that we’re the same just because we hang out a lot. What does happen to Brooke in the end, after wrecking so many households and families? Will everyone really hate her forever? Surely everyone can eventually forgive husband-stealing?

Some get consumed by staring at a screen be it the computer, tv, or a game console. Take away my tv and computer, but as long as I have a mirror can waste hours and hours of my time, overcome with fathomless vanity, a consequence of which my eyes burn with tormenting pain.

Then there’s my imagination, you can see a distant expression that clearly marks my mental absence — i’m faraway in my dreamland where everyone is a girl and happily married, always sincere, caring, united, eating what they want, everything’s spacious, clean, calm, and organized. No starvation, self-consciousness, insecurity, contempt, distrust. Sometimes if you talk to me I’m never really there, I’m just in my head, alone but I don’t feel lonely. Not really, I’m just ignorant of the deranged state I leave myself in.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5uMJmc2Yo4&feature=related

Dear Diary,

I need to throw away:

1. Old bags
2. Old boxes
3. Old router and modem
4. Old CD drive
5. Old fan
6. Old lamp
7. My dad’s classic mac
8. My dad’s old clothes (He’s the one who won’t seem to fit into them anymore and i still drown in them)
9. Old hair accessories
10. Old plastic containers (omg?)
11. Aniza and ashraf’s old artwork (sorry, there’s no more Alina to frame it up)

Log

• 9:00 am        Leave for SK USJ 12 sports day rushing because already an hour late
• 11:10 am      Send Ashraf and Marielle home
• 11:20 am      Put lunch on the table since I won’t be home for lunch
• 11: 40 am     Go back to SK USJ 12 to witness Aniza’s next event
• 12:40 pm      Go home to take Adila to school
• 12:55 pm      Arrive at SMK USJ 13
• 1:00 pm        Go back to SK USJ 12 to witness Aniza’s next event
• 1:30 pm        There’s only tug of war and teacher’s events but Aniza said she hasn’t ran
• 2:00 pm        Find out that Aniza’s next event somehow doesn’t exist
• 2:20 pm        Arrive home from SK USJ 12 sports day

What am I going to do about the car radio? I really don’t know who’ll be able to fix it.

That old dresser really is annoying. The whole thing has to go, along with everything in it! Why is there so much stuff in the matching wardrobe anyway? It’s clearly still functional but it’s just used to keep junk i.e. Dad’s old stuff. God, why w0n’t my dad get rid of all his old stuff?

I don’t think I have many clothes at all. In fact, i’m always like, what should i wear? I have nothing nice to wear!? It’s not like i bought a new outfit or anything, i’ve just been spending people’s money on food. Anyway, I just thought that right now my life is just me and my clothes, but obviously things aren’t that simple. I’m still hanging on to like new photo frames and photo albums and stuff that i’ve never used. Well, those are a must-keep anyway since they’ve never been used. So that just leaves my collection of assorted stationary and paper products. Hmm. I always did say that Oprah was unnecessarily harsh on those hoarders.

Sunday is another sports day omg! Hope the weather’ll be good.

There’s more, i know it, but I guess  i’ll just have to right it down later when it starts bugging me again.

I’m going to end up complaining about a different thing that I want everyday.

Have you ever felt the frustration of coming home tired from a really long day’s work and then people who were staying at home all day complain to you about their problems at home and their lives? And you have to immediately run around fixing everything for them just so that they’d be somewhat satisfied, not that they actually needed any of it, they just like complaining and making up things?

Well, i’ve never experienced that, thank god. We leave that to the mature rational adults in the house. Okay, I suppose that also includes Adila. But I can tell you that it doesn’t include my dad, my grandma, Ashraf, Aniza, Me, and, well that brings me to put something else on the list. What list? Well, apparently i’m making lists nowadays. Not that I’m all trying to accomplish something big everyday. As if I ever.  But still, there are things that need doing, and they’ve been that way for years.

We’ve Got Issues!

• Dad has a huge master bedroom and instead he’s pacing in the living room and bugging people in Ashraf’s room (the smallest room in the house)
• Uncle Chee’s present must be delivered!! How much more belated!?!
• Clean out the fridge omg! Years!
• Ashraf needs more than one drawer for his clothes
• Ashraf and Aniza now eat grilled cheese sandwiches for breakfast
• Which brings me to the issue of weekday mornings – (1) Wake up early, in order to  (2) Arrange Aniza and Ashraf’s bathroom queue  (3) Their uniforms, camisoles, towels etc must already be prepared – arranged night before
• Dear kids, the reason I told Alina not to come home, aside from her being super busy with so much work to do, is that it costs money. Make the poor girl traverse the highways every week she’ll be broke. More than she already is.
• Fans and aircons. Perennial problems. Oh well, just continue to inhale dust while waiting for everything else to be sorted out.
• Order these items according to priority!!

Oh, and I should add, make less lengthy lists, and they should be proper lists in the first place, don’t just put some odd title and throw out everything! Organize organize!

I just want to post a photo from long ago.

I want to watch New in Town! I like Renee Zellweger! I guess if I have anything else to write about my uneventful life I can just edit this later.

I’ve always believed that I have the capability to work at something until I achieve what I want. No matter how impatient and wavering I get, I have the intention to win something in the end. Let the battle with the Cash Deposit Machine begin. One day I’ll learn how to effectively line up my notes.

This is my wishlist. I keep complaining about wanting this and that, so I figured I should write down the ones I remember so that way people (my siblings) won’t have to put up with my complaining so much.

Fiction

• Handbags and Homicide Dorothy Howell
• L.A. Candy Lauren Conrad
• Love, Lies and Lizzie Rosie Rushton

DVD

• Love Happens Universal Pictures
• Post Grad 20^th Century Fox

Yesterday, when Ashraf arrived home at six, tea was still on the table cause my grandma was sitting there for a while after having tea. Naturally, my dad rushed home in time to watch Idol which he loves so much, and when Ashraf was still catching his breath from doing a full day of school, kelas tambahan UPSR and Ko-Kurikulum, my dad swiped all the swiss rolls, Ashraf’s favourite. And Ashraf didn’t even know enough to feel hurt. The following day, my dad swiped all the curry puffs, also Ashraf’s favourite. Just because he wants to nibble on something while watching his precious Idol. Who cares about Idol anyway? Excuse me for being sane enough to not be in a midlife crisis. All my dad ever does is just be unnecessaily loud and complain about my grandma accidentally flooding the bathroom. He’s so inconsiderate of underweight children and elders in immense arthritic pain.

What’s worse, is that I have to sleep on the floor in his room. No one ever goes near his room cause it’s so vile, filthy and disgusting. He doesn’t even like being in it. It’s such a waste of space cause he has this huge room that no one goes into, with a tv and everything, and he doesn’t even use it. He just litters a whole lot of clutter everywhere.

He’s the one who keeps saying that he’s trying to lose weight!?! I even told him that no one calls him fat, and he should just be fine with how he is, but he’s all “I can lose this in a jiff”

In order to get a triple bypass, you need to make it to a hospital first. They don’t call it sudden cardiac death for nothing.

I went to The 19 last night, and only upon arriving there I remembered that I forgot to bring my wallet.

Omg, Mom, i’m so sorry, I forgot to bring Dad’s credit card!

Oh, yes I forgot about that too. Nevermind I’ll just use amex.

What a waste. A complete waste. Sighed the frustrated oversized whiney annoying baby. I really need to wake up earlier. I always feel so groggy, tired, and unmotivated. Then I can get more things done in a day.

I would just like to announce that all my faithful blog readers (haha) should proceed to register in order to comment (haha how can non-existent people comment?).

I can’t believe it’s already been a week since I posted!

Anyway, the topic of discussion on this blogpost is Saturday 27 March 2010.

I didn’t realize that my younger sister (Adila) was at school that morning, or that my other younger sister (Aniza) was going to her friend’s birthday party later, or that Adila had to leave for her piano lesson at the same time that Aniza had to leave for the birthday party. And my younger brother (Ashraf ) was having friends over to do a school project. Everyone had plans except me!

Anyway, after I sent Adila home, I rushed around Taipan, desperately looking for parking due to my lack of double-parking skills. I think I must’ve circled the triangle like 10 times. I knew that I was supposed to buy Aniza’s friend two big Cadbury bars. So I thought to myself, I’ll take the biggest bar I can find. I couldn’t find anything even remotely reasonably-sized. I didn’t have enough confidence to drive myself to Cold Storage, since I’ve never tried to, nor do I know how to go anywhere else. So I hoped that by some miracle guardian would have something gift-worthy. I just took two 4-square-wide bars because I knew I couldn’t waste anymore time. There was no present, and it was time to get wrapping.

So when I arrived home, I was so relieved that (my mom made a meal in advance before leaving in the morning) there was plenty in the fridge to eat for lunch. It was almost one and I’d left everyone at home starving. I would’ve liked to bring everyone out, but I was quite broke, grandma would’ve suffered with her knee pain, it was already late, and actually I don’t think they would’ve liked to anyway.

So there I was feeling so proud as if I wrapped Wirdani’s present so nicely that I didn’t realise that it was 2.45, and with one car, I was supposed to already be headed to USJ 3 and/or Pizza Hut Taipan.

So, what time is piano class?

3,

okay. Aniza, what time’s the Wirdani’s party?

3

In an insane rush, I tried to figure out how a person with really bad driving was supposed to accomplish this. To make things worse, I didn’t realise that it was both Wirdani
and her twin brother’s birthday! And the present was wrapped as one, and I wrote Wirdani’s name really big on the card.

So later, at 4 while I was struggling to remember where I had just sent Adila only an hour earlier. I realised that Teacher Yvonne’s house is situated in a really high-traffic area of USJ. And the guards already have to deal with a flood of people going in and out, and now i’m supposed to feign some interpersonal skills and not come off as a total creep who shouldn’t be allowed to enter USJ 3 ever again. After about a million and a half wrong turns later, I got to Adila 15 minutes late, but thankfully she was okay about waiting.

And, it turns out Aniza had so much fun, there was pizza-making and go-stand-in-the-freezer and ice cream cake and everything! *Wants Wirdani’s (and/or her twin brother’s) life* It was 6.15 and her parents were still waiting downstairs for parents to pick up the remaining guests.

So I had hoped that my shift for the day was finished, but the house was a complete mess and I hadn’t touched the mop, vacuum cleaner, etc. in ever in my life. And to this day I still haven’t. So clearly my pay being docked (or rather voided) doesn’t go without reason. Just be thankful that you’re allowed to drive, Azreen.

Thanks to Misty, I’ve just got this blog back up after so long. There was a problem with the previous server, i’ve taken excerpts from my hosts’ main site.

the previous domain host, Vizaweb, is out of business and neglected to inform their customers of such. Their support centre is running without a live person and their telephone number is no longer in service. [Misty] managed to contact the right organization to keep the domain online. [She's] invested in a new domain host now.

There’ll be plenty to come soon, but I’m working on getting things going. After not having blogged for so long, all of this kind of feels new to me, but I’m really glad to be back! What a relief, I finally have my blog again!

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